ALONE AGAIN...

The Devilteen and I had a really good weekend, she has gone to that place where she lives today, yes I still refuse to call it her home! I figure her home is with me even if she is only here on the weekends! I used to get so terribly depressed when she would leave. I hated that I would have to let her go. At the beginning of our new living arrangement, when Devilteen was still in foster care, she would cry and beg me to let her stay here. It broke my heart in ways I can't even begin to explain. I wanted so badly to keep her here with me, but at the time, if she didn't go back to the foster home, the police would have been called and we both would have gotten in a lot of trouble.

March 1 '07 will be two years to the day that Children's Aid came to remove my baby from my home. I will never forget that day as long as I live. The worker showed up at my door, unannounced, at 9:00 AM. I had just gotten up for the day. Devilteen had been at a friends house for a couple of nights previously to that. It was a Tuesday morning. On the Sunday I had told Devilteen that I had relapsed on cocaine. Oh my God, the look on her face is imprinted into my mind, the hurt, the disbelief, the anger, all of it in flashes as she tried to understand what it was that I was saying. I had chosen to tell her because I finally was able to stay clean for five days at the time. Looking back, it seems ridiculous, she was thirteen at the time! But somehow I had convinced myself that I owed it to my daughter to be honest with her. Yes I was still drinking, and smoking pot, but the blow (my first love drug) was much more of a threat, or so I thought.

I thought in my heart that Devilteen had known I had been using blow again. I don't know why I thought this, I was very careful (as a using addict could be). I never did it in front of her, but I rarely slept or ate, I just thought she knew. But my Angel had no idea what mommy had really been up to, she believed the lies that I just wasn't hungry or that I could nap when she was at school. She trusted me and I lied to her, and let her down. So on the day that I confessed my sins to her, it broke her heart. The thing is, I had relapsed several years before and managed to get clean and of course made the obligatory promises that I would never use again, and I truly meant it at the time. But to Devilteen, who loved and trusted me, I couldn't have hurt her more if I had slapped her instead. "You promised me mom" she said, "you promised you wouldn't ever do it again, how could you?" And then came the tears.

My tears born from months of guilt and lies and probably some withdrawal thrown in too. Her tears were from the betrayal of the person who said they loved her more than anything. She naturally was angry, so angry that she ran up to her room and didn't want to talk to me. She was of course hurt, how could anyone who knew they were an addict USE again? I felt so helpless and overwhelmed I wanted to fix things but had no idea where to start. When she finally came out of her room, I apologized and told her that I understood that I was the last person she wanted to talk to. I wanted to reach out and hold her in my arms and swear that everything would be ok, but Devilteen didn't want to be near me. She called a friend and asked to go there, but before she left I said " Please don't keep this all inside baby, please just talk to SOMEONE, anyone that you CAN trust"... She called from her friends house later that evening and asked to stay overnight, the following day was school, but I said yes because I thought being with her friend was the comfort she needed at the time. Little did I know that my child would actually take my advice and talk to someone!

Apparently Devilteen had gone to school and went to talk to her guidance counsellor. If I was a fly on the wall I might have known exactly what was said, but I wasn't there. All I knew was that a call had been made to CAS and on Tuesday I was deemed an unfit parent, and my child was placed into a foster home. Even today, with all the changes I have made, with over 15 months clean from coke and more than eight months clean and sober, it still hurts. We have had some rough times, my daughter and I, I think I am remembering all of this today because I must go to court on Tuesday (again). True, I am working with children's aid today, I am clean and sober today, but I still have a lot of ground to make up in the credibility department. When a Judge sees 'drug addiction' in the documents, I'm sure they have a certain amount of reservations, and so they should. When we are using we can't be trusted , we lie, we cheat, we do what we must to just get high. It takes a long time to get back the trust, especially when a child is involved.

So back to court I go. I will have my head up high, I will not let the shame of my mistakes hold me back. I cannot undo what I have done, I can only live better today. CAS is asking for another six months society wardship to enable Devilteen to complete her school year. After that I am praying that she will come home. We are both going to counselling today, and I have told her that she doesn't have to keep secrets to protect me, I don't know if she will be able to trust her counsellor, but I know they get along and that is a start.

Tonight when I go to bed I will thank God for helping me stay clean and sober today. I will thank Him for this wonderful weekend that I shared with my daughter and I will pray to receive the message of His will for me and the power to carry that out. The rest is not in my hands... So before I go I want to share with you the reading from my Daily Reflections book...

The limits of self reliance... We asked ourselves why we had them (fears). Wasn't it because self reliance failed us? AA Big Book pg.68

All of my character defects separate me from God's will. When I ignore my association with Him I face the world and my alcoholism alone and must depend on self-reliance. I have never found security and happiness through self-will and the only result is a life of fear and discontent. God provides the path back to Him and to His gift of serenity and comfort. First however, I must be willing to acknowledge my fears, and understand their source and power over me. I frequently ask God to help me understand how I separate myself from Him.

Have a peaceful and contented evening folks...