BACK TO COURT I GO!

This morning I was up and out the door bright and early (for me) to be at court for 9:30. I am feeling so much better lately and of course it doesn't bother me at all that the sun is out shining. The birds are chirping in the trees, the snow is finally beginning to melt...spring is in the air. Of course, this being Ottawa, I have not yet succombed to the urge to pack away my winter clothes. We here are smart, after all, when it comes to the weather, we know that every year Mother Nature will try to fool us into believing that the very long winter is actually over, only to have another foot of snow dumped on us in April!! HAH, take THAT Mother Nature, I am just going to enjoy the beautiful weather that is here while still dressed in my winter attire!

I just love the longer days. I love listening to the birds chirping outside, and my little Jenny bird calling out to them "hello!" Yup, it seems that somehow, I have managed to survive the long, cold, dark days of winter without a deep depression that has taken me down in the past. I am trying my best to just BE, you know, like not asking too many questions ie: Why is my life so good lately? or OK what will go wrong now? This I admit, is all very new behaviour for me, as I am sure some of you know! I have never felt contented to just have a regular kind of life. In the past I have even been known to create chaos or crisis where none existed before just so I could feel 'normal'. It sounds pretty f-d up, I know, but somehow I just never felt OK with being OK! Well, there goes AA working in my life again!!!

Yeah, so at court the lawyers (mine and Angels) both asked for another continuance, of two weeks. Funny how last year I felt such outrage every time there was a change in THE PLANS. After all I was barely able to hang on to my sanity and I kept thinking 'surely THEY will realize what a mistake THEY made by taking my kid away, any day now THEY will say she can come home'. But, of course that was not to be. As I have said many times, I did stop using coke but had no intention of giving up my other vices, it took me quite a while to admit that my life was unmanageable and then more time to have the desire to do something about it.ON this Friday (by the Grace of God) I will have 9 months of continuous clean and sober living...WOW!!! I am looking forward to getting up and taking my yellow chip to show the new(er)comers that there is hope. And to show the oldtimers how far they have come. Good stuff all around, I'd say! The point is that I am working toward having my child move back home, that is what I want, but I am willing to negotiate today in HER best interest.

Not that long ago Angel told me she wasn't sure that she wanted to 'come home'. I was hurt and angry and whined at length about it on my blog. Since then, we have had several conversations to that effect. Today I GET that she is afraid of so many things, I have on more than one occasion, told her I wouldn't use or drink again, and I have on more than one occasion, gone back to doing just what I promised I wouldn't do. Who can blame her for not exactly trusting me this time? The difference for me is that I have made NO promises today. I am just doing the best I can to take care of myself, I am going to meetings, reaching out to others, telling all my secrets and most importantly, not using. That is all I can do for today. I do hope and pray that Angel will come home, but I am not in control of the outcome. I am grateful for that today, it was a lot of pressure thinking I had so much control!

As per usual I want to share from my "Daily Reflections"...

Into the fabric of recovery from alcoholism are woven the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. As my recovery progressed, I realized that the new mantle was tailor-made for me. The elders of the group gently offered suggestions when change seemed impossible. Everyone's shared experiences became the subject for treasured friendships. I know that the fellowship is ready and equipped to aid each suffering alcoholic at all crossroads in life. In a world beset with many problems, I find this assurance a unique stability. I cherish the gift of sobriety. I offer God my gratitude for the strength I receive in the fellowship that truly exists for the good of all members.

What a great way to continue on with my day... until later, my friends...HUGS to ALL!