Tuesday, February 27, 2007


This morning I was up and out the door bright and early (for me) to be at court for 9:30. I am feeling so much better lately and of course it doesn't bother me at all that the sun is out shining. The birds are chirping in the trees, the snow is finally beginning to melt...spring is in the air. Of course, this being Ottawa, I have not yet succombed to the urge to pack away my winter clothes. We here are smart, after all, when it comes to the weather, we know that every year Mother Nature will try to fool us into believing that the very long winter is actually over, only to have another foot of snow dumped on us in April!! HAH, take THAT Mother Nature, I am just going to enjoy the beautiful weather that is here while still dressed in my winter attire!

I just love the longer days. I love listening to the birds chirping outside, and my little Jenny bird calling out to them "hello!" Yup, it seems that somehow, I have managed to survive the long, cold, dark days of winter without a deep depression that has taken me down in the past. I am trying my best to just BE, you know, like not asking too many questions ie: Why is my life so good lately? or OK what will go wrong now? This I admit, is all very new behaviour for me, as I am sure some of you know! I have never felt contented to just have a regular kind of life. In the past I have even been known to create chaos or crisis where none existed before just so I could feel 'normal'. It sounds pretty f-d up, I know, but somehow I just never felt OK with being OK! Well, there goes AA working in my life again!!!

Yeah, so at court the lawyers (mine and Angels) both asked for another continuance, of two weeks. Funny how last year I felt such outrage every time there was a change in THE PLANS. After all I was barely able to hang on to my sanity and I kept thinking 'surely THEY will realize what a mistake THEY made by taking my kid away, any day now THEY will say she can come home'. But, of course that was not to be. As I have said many times, I did stop using coke but had no intention of giving up my other vices, it took me quite a while to admit that my life was unmanageable and then more time to have the desire to do something about it.ON this Friday (by the Grace of God) I will have 9 months of continuous clean and sober living...WOW!!! I am looking forward to getting up and taking my yellow chip to show the new(er)comers that there is hope. And to show the oldtimers how far they have come. Good stuff all around, I'd say! The point is that I am working toward having my child move back home, that is what I want, but I am willing to negotiate today in HER best interest.

Not that long ago Angel told me she wasn't sure that she wanted to 'come home'. I was hurt and angry and whined at length about it on my blog. Since then, we have had several conversations to that effect. Today I GET that she is afraid of so many things, I have on more than one occasion, told her I wouldn't use or drink again, and I have on more than one occasion, gone back to doing just what I promised I wouldn't do. Who can blame her for not exactly trusting me this time? The difference for me is that I have made NO promises today. I am just doing the best I can to take care of myself, I am going to meetings, reaching out to others, telling all my secrets and most importantly, not using. That is all I can do for today. I do hope and pray that Angel will come home, but I am not in control of the outcome. I am grateful for that today, it was a lot of pressure thinking I had so much control!

As per usual I want to share from my "Daily Reflections"...

Into the fabric of recovery from alcoholism are woven the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. As my recovery progressed, I realized that the new mantle was tailor-made for me. The elders of the group gently offered suggestions when change seemed impossible. Everyone's shared experiences became the subject for treasured friendships. I know that the fellowship is ready and equipped to aid each suffering alcoholic at all crossroads in life. In a world beset with many problems, I find this assurance a unique stability. I cherish the gift of sobriety. I offer God my gratitude for the strength I receive in the fellowship that truly exists for the good of all members.

What a great way to continue on with my day... until later, my friends...HUGS to ALL!


Pam said...

9 months was my most favorite chip to pick up....and it is still my favorite one to watch for others. I was exactly 9 months sober when my oldest daughter came back to live with me. She was 14 years old (she will be 30 next month)! It was hard at first, but every single morning in my prayers, I would ask God "please let my life be a living amends to K". We are so close now....this is a direct result of doing the deal "one day at a time". I think your willingness will keep you focused on the day.....look how far you've come already!!! I wish you much love and happiness along this journey to bring your heart and your daughters heart together.
It's so worth it darlin'

Mary Christine said...

As you can see, Miracles do happen, just stay sober, one day at a time.

Sober Chick said...

I am so excited to see you get to your 9 month mark. It is so energizing to me to see this. It is a reminder to keep trudging for you are very close to your year. But, just for today, you can embrace all the gifts around you . . .

Your eyes and heart are wide open right now. Take in everything. Keep allowing life (all brought to you by our beautiful Mother Nature) to shine within you!

lash505 said...

9 months is awesome. The birds sounded relaxing to me. Sobriety is cool.

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

Horey for your nine months and horey for enjoying a beautiful weather in winter attire!

Best part: Horey for NOT USING.

Horey for HNT!

Jocelyn said...

I hope you've pointed out to Angel child that this time you are making no promises, which is a departure--a sure sign that something inside of you has changed.

The Maven said...

Hey hey hey! Lookie, I'm commenting on your blog. Are you shocked? Awed? Okay, even moderately impressed? And I'm nursing at the same time while getting used to a new keyboard. I'm that good.

So glad to hear you and Angel are having a dialogue about what would work best for both of you. And yes, the nice(r) weather is really helping my mood and energy levels, too. Horray for almost spring!

PS: I can't make Friday's meeting, but am thinking of going to the women's group tomorrow. Want to come with? Give me a shout :)

SoberSteve said...

Great Job on 9 months. I'm catching up to you. 60 days ago I had one month and you had 7 months. Now i have 3 months and you have 9. Sounds a lot closer..lol I am to waiting for spring, ma nature just dumped 12 inches of snow on us and another 12-14 for Wed night thurs.

hugs and kisses


Friday..9 months..that my friend is a big deal and so are you.

Anonymous said...

I can relate to the promises issue. I promised my wife i was "giving up" drinking for various reasons... only to drink again a short while later.

After a while she told me to quit promising such things along with suggesting that I may have a real problem. (ahem)

:) nine months? How cool is that, LG! What a great week. AA really is effing up your drinkin' hehe

Take care.

lushgurl said...

AWWW...you guys are ALL the best! Thanks for all the lovin' and keep coming back to give me more LOL


Michael said...

Well done on yoou 9 months, theres so much to read in here far too much for a dinnertime at work.
Ill pop in later and read all your story from the beggining

Anonymous said...

wow.my first read of the morning and I just about cried!I take my hat off to you Lushgirl.It takes a lot of courage to change and even more to face our kiddos when we have had such challenges that have hurt them.YOU are making a difference in the world,your world and Angels world just by working with today.I am so touched by this post and your honesty.Thank you for sharing and reminding me more families are working hard to break unhealthy cycles and by a loving unit agian.Big hugs to you :)
ps.and about the "promises"...we have our twelve promises that can support us to stay true to ourselves and recovery so we can be more true and dependable with others.Keep us post ..thank you again for sharing.love Tab xo

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

So sorry. I thought you've noticed it earlier. Thank you for the reminder.

View it now. Hope you like it.

Granny said...

My boys came back to me at around 9 months. Someday I'll tell you that story. I don't talk a lot on the blog about the past - just enough to let people know that there is a past.

Remember how they say no big decisions or changes in the first year? They came for a two week visit and never left.

I remember being terrified that they'd either hate me or I'd screw it up again.

I didn't. They're 34 and 38 now.

You won't either. Just keep on keeping on.

Much love.

therapydoc said...

Hugs back, Lush Girl, congrats on that chip and thanks for sharing this with important post with us.