HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

So here I am, on Valentine's day, all by self (big surprise there!) The very strange thing is that I am not feeling sad or sorry for myself. I am not going to spend the day avoiding people, places, or things that remind me, endlessy, how it should really suck to be single today! I don't quite know how I got here, I mean the new and improved version of self! Could it be that I am actually starting to change? Could it be that I have managed to stay clean and sober through many trials in my life? Could it be that maybe I am starting to feel ok about me? Could it be because I am going to meetings, not just in body, but in spirit too? HMMMM...Nah It's just a MIRACLE, yeah, that's it!!!

I have been stalking many blogs today, as I usually do in the mornings, and have felt 'a part of''. I have read Valentines' wishes that I have said were posted JUST for me!!! I have shared my few words of wisdom here and there, and have sent hugs and love to my blogger friends! It feels good! Here we go again...

I was talking to my counsellor yesterday, and sharing that although I have been feeling very tired lately, I haven't really been depressed for quite a while. To those who suffer from depression, I know you can relate to the ever-waiting-for-the-black-cloud mentality. It's like we can have a few good days, enjoying life but sooner or later, the comfort of sorrow, the familiarity of pain, the desperate lonliness always return. I'm not saying I like that better, it's just what I am used to. Feeling good, being happy, are new and foreign, and therefore scary to me! A part of me will wait for the proverbial shit to hit the fan once again. It is a struggle to just BE happy. Gratitude goes a long way on days like today!!!

I had to check on my comments to the post of the other day (I'm nosy like that), and noticed a comment from MC, a friend in recovery, who suggested I stop calling the child Devilteen!!! HMMPH... what can I respond to that? In our real life I do call her ANGEL, honestly!! But for the purposes of Blogging about my (our) life I have laughingly dubbed her Devilteen, as the teen age years seem to be fraught with ever-changing moods, problems, crisis and you know, stress for the mommy!!! The thing is, if I call her Angel on my blog, you all out there will not believe me when I share how rotten she is sometimes!!! It's like our friend, the Maven, who had met the child on several occasions and flat out refused to believe that this wonderful young woman ever drove me crazy!! I swear, my love for her knows no bounds, it is unconditional, and ever-lasting. That being said, somedays I do fantasize of killing her and burying her in my garden...Please don't take my ramblings too seriously though, it is just me venting to try and maintain some semblance of sanity. But I will consider renaming the child, to avoid offending more sensitive souls whose opinions and life I value! I sure hope MC visits this post, I'm so striving for progress today...

Today is going to be a really good day, I am going to my regular Wednesday night meeting where Joe will celebrate 34 years of sobriety! He has been announcing his own upcoming celebration for over a month now! How cute is that!!! I love Joe. He is 70 years young and obviously has done many things right to be able to get to 34 years. He goes to one or two meetings a day, now that he is retired. He volunteers for Meals-on-Wheels, which is a wonderful program that brings hot meals to those who can't get out. By himself, he kept the AA Christmas alcothon supplied with coffee (no small feat). He shares openly at every discussion group he attends and the most humble part? He attributes his recovery to God granting him just one day of sobriety. I have been told that for this very special day, the chairperson has arranged to get a video of Bill W. speaking at a meeting! I can not wait! this will indeed be a Valentine's day to remember, and I think the best gift of love I can give myself, wish you all could be there with me! I will come back later to share what I heard though. Until then ...

HUGE HUGS to All and may your day be filled with love and miracles and happiness XXOXXOOXXOO