Friday morning I got 'the call'- "Why did you say you didn't want to see me mom?" I explained that because she had chosen to skip school, we , the grown-ups, decided that not coming here would be an appropriate consequence. Angel did not agree with my decision. She said that it wasn't fair , because the house had consequenced her, and she didn't LIVE WITH ME, so I didn't have a right to 'double consequence her'! Tough lesson, I know, but I felt it was necessary, to send the message that skipping school would not be rewarded.
Our visit started out well enough. We watched a DVD- "Derailed" with Jennifer Anniston and Clive Owens, we had popcorn too. The movie was really good! After the movie Angel wanted to go on 'Facebook' for a while, this was fine with me, but I asked her to help me tidy up a bit first, and she was OFF... apparently helping me to tidy up our mess was the same as expecting Angel to be my maid! We had words, and then she stomped off to her room and refused to help. So I tidied up and let it go at that, The thing is, Angel does get angry with me when I try to set limits and boundaries. She doesn't like NOT getting her own way, or when I stand firm and say no! You see I was never really good at setting limits and boundaries before ( read when I was still OUT), and consequences were not followed up on because my parenting was always motivated by copious amounts of guilt.
After a while Angel came down to finish the arguement that we had started and all of the hurt and anger and unexpressed pain came out! I mean ALL of it! The two years that she had been living away from me because of my return to drug and alcohol use. The times that she had used and drank because "like mother , like daughter". All of the times that I seemed to not give a shit about her because I was too busy getting high. It all came out like a damn that had finally broken. Oh GOD! I thought, here we go, and I knew her anger was justified, and I knew that I had hurt her badly, so I had no defense. There was no way I could explain to her in a way that she could understand , how I would knowingly return to using after being clean for so long. She was crying, sobbing, so hurt and so angry, and I couldn't comfort her. She yelled at me and called me names and basically told me in many words how much I had hurt her and let her down. And then she said she didn't want to come back home because I probably would F- up again, I always did. And she could get STUFF at the house that I couldn't give her, and she didn't care anyway...
I accepted all of the angry words and accusations with a little bit of gratitude, as this was really the first time since my relapse that Angel was able to be totally honest with me about her feelings. I didn't like all of what she said, 'cause after all, the truth can really hurt sometimes. I have managed to stay clean and sober, and am doing my best to make better choices for both of us today. But this in no way alleviates the pain I have caused. And she was pissed at me- it is of course all MY fault that Angel does drugs and drinks and skips school... I told her that I could accept responsibility for my part , but I was not going to accept the blame for the choices that SHE had made, including using drugs and alcohol just because I had. The thing is, I messed up and I knew that, I let her down, and I knew that too. But at almost 16, Angel had to start making better choices for her life, which included not using drugs or drinking and not skipping school or lashing out in anger. I was not capable of MAKING her do these things, and my new life of sobriety is a choice I make today for both of us.
We ended up spending the rest of the evening apart, she in her room and me downstairs alone. While I was alone the thought came into my head that I could drink after she left, what was the use of staying sober especially if I was going to be living alone. I could hardly believe how quickly these thoughts had filled my head, how much I really felt like using at the time. It scared the crap out of me. So I prayed. I prayed to have the obsession removed, I prayed to continue to want sobriety, I prayed to have Angels' pain lessoned by hope and trust and love....
This morning I feel strong again and committed to my new life. I woke Angel up early, with a cup of coffee and we had some time to talk before she left for her dad's. She felt bad for some of the mean things she had said to me and apologized for it. I told her that I did deserve a lot of the anger and I was sorry for hurting her so badly. I also reminded her that we both have choices today, and my choices include AA and not using or drinking, but I wasn't going to promise her that I would never pick up again because I didn't know that for sure. I had the desire to stay clean and sober today, and that is all I have. She also told me that she did want to come home she is just afraid, and so am I , but I also have hope today, because Angel did lash out at me and I didn't use over it. We had a tough night last night, and we still love each other this morning. We can have times where we don't always get along or even like each other, but in the end, we can work through these things , together. That is one of the greatest gifts I could ever have in my recovery!
Check this out boys and gurls...Today's Daily Reflection's reading....He is working in my life AGAIN!!!..
A Wide Arc of Gratitude
And speaking for Dr. Bob and myself, I gratefully declare that had it not been for our wives, Anne and Lois, neither of us could have lived to see AA's beginning.
.....The AA way of Life pg.67
Am I capable of such generous tribute and gratitude to my wife, parents and friends, without whose support I might never have survived to reach AA's doors? I will work on this and try to see the plan my Higher Power is showing me which links our lives together.
HAPPY EASTER WEEKEND TO ALL OF MY FRIENDS....I LOVE YOU ALL!!!
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15 comments:
I'm glad that you were able to work through this by turning it over to your HP. Angel has fear and resentment. You can't undo the things in the past and hopefully she will see that it is about living one day at a time. Thanks for sharing this.
Hi darlin'...OK..just from MY experience (years of drinking/using with children..then the aftermath of their anger)
I found that what my teenage kids wanted most of all from me about my using days...was VALIDATION that they had suffered. Things started getting LOTS better when I said to them "It must have been REALLY HARD TO BE YOU..when I was using"
That is what they wanted to hear most...their anger was always about that I DIDN'T GET THAT THEY HAD SUFFERED. Somehow acknowledging that took some power away from it. Of course "we as mothers" understand they suffered, we have the weight of guilt to prove it. Just wanted to pass on to you that my kids needed to hear me say "It must have been hard to be you".
Stay in the day sugarbutt!
"But at almost 16, Angel had to start making better choices for her life, which included not using drugs or drinking and not skipping school or lashing out in anger. "
Too right, baby. Stick to it, too. She'll appreciate it.
"Double consequences" - I have to admit I laughed out loud. You tough, mean, dictator of a mom.... lmao. I do so love a tough American woman. **swoons**
Glad you got an aplogy too.
Thanks for helping me stay sober another day.
K .x.
Thanks for sharing what must have been a tough thing to talk about. It sounds like you did all the right things.
Your spiritual connection is the key to everything. Keep it strong!
Accepting the pain we cause our children due to our addiction is so hard, for all of us. the kids just dont get it at times, and the guilt we feel is always there and we all are hurting over it. SO HAPPY you faced it without a drink/drug, I know it was hard, but it was the right choice to make. CONGRATS on that one!! Happy Easter to you and Angel.
what a blessing to listen to her feelings, not use and be a different kind of example for her now---
Good for you!
And good for you being tough on her with her consequences--I've been hearing often, you baby 'em you bury 'em
What a treacherous job it is to be a mother. The road is fraught with danger everywhere. But you can do it, it just might suck from time to time....
Happy Easter!
Big hug gurl. Thanks for being there. thanks for Sharing, and thanks to you and Angel for helping me with my son.
peace
Hugs and kisses
Steve
You did so great. Parenting has so much guilt attached to it, but you can't let the guilt motivate you. My daughter is two and I find myself struggling with boundaries constantly. I watched a dozen tantrums yesterday because I wouldn't let her eat endless amounts of candy.
You may not be able to see it, since you're living it and in the middle of the whole experience, but as an objective reader, I can tell you that you seem stronger in this post than in most that I've read. Really! You seem more certain than ever that you're making the right choices and doing good things, despite how rattled Angel's outburst must have made you. When you wrote about the dam breaking and it all flooding out, my reaction was, "Good. This is how progress is made." And on some level, you must be feeling this, too.
You're awesome.
Oh sweet friend, I wish I could jump on in and hug you.
"Devilteen", I love that name, you crack me up! Sounds like you handled it well and your daughter will appreciate it. I know it. Thanks for stopping by my blog and for your encouranging words!
I am so proud of you. You are staying so strong, and it must be so difficult for you. One thing you haven't mentioned is whether you have some people in the program that you are calling whenever these arguments come up between you and Angel. I hope you have a sponsor and some sober friends that you are able to call while in the middle of the crisis. I keep picturing you sitting alone downstairs, and I want to hop in a car and drive over to your house and give you a hug.
Pam is right about kids needing validation for their pain. One of the things that diffuses my son's anger faster than anything is when I say to him: "I understand that you're angry and that you hate me right now. You're allowed to feel that way." But I do follow up with something to the effect of: "However, you are not allowed to speak to/treat/act towards me in that manner." Of course, this only works if I am careful to be respectful to him as a kid. Not an easy balance when I want to lock him in his room and take away all his privileges.
I love you, Gurl! Keep sharing!
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