ME, SELF-WILLED?

Well, I have had a week ! It is always a good thing to actually be here to have a week, that being said though, I often wonder if I am in some way creating chaos in my own life. It seems that I go from famine to feast, from utter despair to infinite joy, from poverty to wealth (LOL). That is why I renamed my blog to ...Life as Lushgurl...

I am still enjoying my job. It is a very fast paced Deli, we must get over a hundred customers between 11:00 and 2:00. and there are two of us working in the Deli part, and over the last three weeks, we have found a way to be an incredible team. My co-worker, I'll call him Deli-dude, has been there for over four years now, for most of the four years he has done the job alone. He is quite young, at only 24 , but he has a strong dedication to the satisfaction of his customers. Deli-dude has a work ethic much like my own, he always puts the customers needs first, he is all about making the best sandwich in the least amount of time. He is not so big on the appearance of the Deli though, as we are often so busy that things get dropped on the floor, or we need to have something filled, and that is where I have found my niche. And then there is the boss/owner of the place...

The Deli is actually a part of a somewhat large corner store. The owner has been there for probably 20 years or so, and has become known in these here parts as THEE place to go for delicious food, served quickly. I think this man is some form of genious. Many corner stores offer a variety of over-priced items that one might run out of and not want to travel to a larger grocery store to get. But owner-guy tapped into the need for more in his quest for a successful life in Canada. At first glance, it may seem to be a Deli like any other, but you soon come to realize that this is no ordinary eatery. We must have about 20 different types of Deli meats, all sliced to order as a sanwich or a take home item. We also serve a variety of fresh, home made salads, muffins and desserts. What he is known for, is his chicken, bacon and avocado sandwich, topped with his own mixture of mustard/mayo and black pepper sauce. Every morning Deli-dude and I make up about 50 different sanwiches ahead of time for super quick grab-and-go access. These pre-mades always sell out within an hour, plus we have many regular patrons coming in for their own selections, and lots of new faces every day!

On Friday, Deli-dude did not come in to work. He starts an hour before I do, so by the time I arrive, all of the days' meats have been cut, the veggies for the sanwiches have been prepared, and he has begun to assemble the pre-mades. When I get there, I take care of making sure that the preparation area is clean and fully stocked. I make up a huge batch of sauce, sweep the floor, put random stuff away and make up a fresh batch of tuna salad. We work side by side preparing the pre-made sanwiches, the boss cuts our bread ( he primarily uses egg bread that we get fresh from the bakery in un-sliced loaves) and he serves the customers at the cash. The three of us run a pretty good thing all working together but separately, so when Deli-dude took an un-schedualed day off, the whole system was thrown out of whack. When I arrived at 10:00, none of the prep-work was done. We didn't have enough sauce made up to get the pre-mades ready, there had been no meats or bread cut for the daily customer orders and the Deli was a MESSS! Now, don't get me wrong, I am all about taking orders from the boss, however, Deli-dude and I have established a system that is quick, efficient and geared to the pleasure of our patrons...

I suppose Boss man has made his millions (?) by being money conscious, along with his special sandwich which is not sold anywhere else in the city of Ottawa... but I am a Deli-gurl at heart, and I know from experience that a little extra goes a long way in keeping the regulars happy as well as bringing in new customers and having them come back with their friends and families... Deli-dude, as I mentioned, has much the same work ethic as I, and Boss man worries about the bottom line, keepin costs down and profits up, and Deli-dude was not there on Friday! So I am doing my best to do all of the things that should have been done by the time I arrive, plus my own tasks, plus serving assorted customers as they arrive, plus make the pre-mades, and boss man is doing his best to serve people at the cash, cut the bread and critisize me for putting too much meat on the sandwiches, removing avocado and telling me in which order the sandwiches should be assembled! AAARRRRGGGGHHHH...

I am so thankful that I got to meet with my sponsor first thing on Saturday morning. She reminded me that I am not the boss of anything!!! Oh, and did I happen to mention that my 16 year old came home very drunk on Friday night??? This weekend I have been praying to let go of my need for control, the will to do His work better, and patience with those I must concede to! I wonder what today's Daily Reflection has to say ...

He {Bill W} said to me, gently and simply, "Do you think that you are one of us?"
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 413- Third Edition

During my drinking life I was convinced I was an exception. I thought I was beyond petty requirements and had the right to be excused. I never realized that the dark counter-balance of my attitude was the constant feeling that I did not "belong". At first, in AA, I identified with others only as an alcoholic. What a wonderful awakening for me it has been to realize that, if human beings were doing the best they could, then so was I! All of the pains, confusions and joys they feel are not exceptional, but part of my life, just as much as anybody's.

So there you have it! I am planning to do the best I can today. I also want to say that I have visited only about a dozen of you from my friends links so far today, and I have more than forty!!! Who the heck PUT that many people there... Anyway, if I have not dropped by lately, I will do my best to get there within the next few days.... Love you all, and plan a great day!

CHECK OUT MY GUESTBOOK

If you haven't yet. please take a moment to sign my guestbook, just click on sign my guestbook, view all guests or slide to sign....thank you!

HEY, REMEMBER ME?

Well I am still around somewhere, and I can hardly believe that it has been almost a week since I last posted! As some of you may have noticed, I dropped by on the weekend. Do you guys remember when I used to post almost everyday and visit mostly everyone on my links too? My AAngel, and my friend the Maven would say that I could do all of those things because I didn't have a life!! Well guess what? Now I have a life (of work anyways), and I have not yet found the balance required to do all of the blog stalking I used to do. Add in a few meetings a week, my after-care group, bi-weekly therapy, meeting with my sponsor, housework, laundry, time with my kid and others, and you can maybe understand why I have not been as vigilant as I used to be in staying in touch with y'all! Hopefully I can be forgiven, after all I am striving for progress, not perfection here!

In loving memory of the good old days, here is today's Daily Reflection reading...

When, with God's help, we calmly accepted our lot, then we found we could live at peace with ourselves and show others who still suffered the same fears that they could get over them, too. We found that freedom from fear was more important than freedom from want.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.122

Material values ruled my life for many years during my active alcoholism. I believed that all of my possesions would make me happy, yet I still felt bankrupt after I obtained them. When I first came into AA, I found out about a new way of living. As a result of learning to trust others, I began to believe in a power greater than myself. Having faith freed me from the bondage of self. As material gains were replaced by the gifts of the spirit, my life became manageable. I then chose to share my experiences with other alcoholics.

All righty then, I am still extremely grateful

• for this gift of sobriety
• to have found a job I love
• that I still have stalkers even when I haven't been by your place
• for all of the miracles that God has put in my path
• to have everything I need and enough to share too
• I am willing and able to keep growing and changing
• to each and every one of you, who keep the home fires burning until I return

I hope you all take time to smell the flowers today...

MISS YOU ALL...

I have been so busy, so here is a quick update...

• workin' hard
• still clean and sober
• happy
• grateful for the day
• miss you guys, will come by soon
• wish you all a great day
• gotta go, running late!
  
  

I AM NOW A WORKIN' GURL!

Yup, have a seat if yer not sittin' already! Me, Lushgurl, actually found a job. Well, I can't take all of the credit really, I was speaking to my sponsor the other day and kind of stressing over the financial situation that I am in. OK, I was not so much speaking as I was ranting! But the point is, that my sponsor, in all of her sponsorly wisdom told me to keep it in today. Sound familiar to anyone? Our dear friend Pam always says it too! So she told me to pray for some money, that miracles do happen, and maybe I'd find a cheque in the mail or something LOL. And I took her advice, but I asked God to just let me know that I'd be ok. I don't believe I should be askin' for money because I don't know if that is God's Will for me, but I know that He does provide or He'll send me a sign of what to do...

On Saturday AAngel and I had gone out, stopping for bus tickets at a corner store near our house, I noticed a 'Help Wanted' sign in the window. I spoke to the gurl who was working and she suggested I bring in my resume and give it to the owner, which I did on Sunday. I was telling him a little about my work experience at the Deli, how I ran it by all by self for about six weeks, and he said he would call me in a couple of days, and that maybe I could start training on Thursday. As we were leaving AAngel gives me a big hug and says "Mommy I am so happy for you, you got the job!" Now me, being who I am, did not see it that way, I thought he said he'd call me to let me know, and then I would start on Thursday. He didn't even look at my resume that I had been working on since last March- the NERVE of him!

Monday night I got a phone call asking if I could come in Tuesday from 10:00 until 2:00!!! I worked yesterday and when I was leaving, my new boss gave me my hours for the week. It is called "Sherwood Deli and Meat Market". I loved my first day, I feel in my element there. The guy who was training me was quite impressed that I caught on so fast, he said he liked that I didn't stand around waiting to be told what to do. I think we make a good team. Ever cool huh? In the good vibes of the day, I continue with this reading from As Bill Sees It- opened randomly:

AA is more than a set of principles; it is a society of alcoholics in action. We must carry the message, else we ourselves can wither and those who haven't been given the truth may die.

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Faith is more than our greatest gift; its sharing with others is our greatest responsibility. May we of AA continually seek the wisdom and the willingness by which we may well fulfill the immense trust which the Giver of all perfect gifts has placed in our hands.

Have the best day EVER, and I'll stalk to ya soon!

I'VE BEEN THINKING

So much has been going on in my life lately, I have been dealing with a lot of old stuff that has seemed to make a return appearance in my life since I have become clean and sober. Sometimes I envy the people who only have to deal with addictions. Selfishly, I am relieved to discover just how many others are out there who have 'other issues', as they say in the Big Book. The thing is, I first started this blog for fun, and then I discovered a whole world of people out there in recovery, Oh Joy, Oh Bliss! So I have made a decision to start another blog where I can share my feelings about self-esteem and self-image as well as a place for me to vent about family of origin issues. I think it will be by invite, as some of you may not relate or even be interested. If you would like to check me out let me know and when I'm up and running I'll send you an e-mail.

Here is today's Daily Reflections reading:

If more gifts are to be received, our awakening has to go on.
As Bill Sees It pg. 8

Sobriety fills in the painful " hole in my soul" that my alcoholism created. Often I feel so physically well that I believe my work is done. However, joy is not just the absence of pain; it is the gift of continued spiritual awakening. Joy comes from ongoing and active study, as well as application of the principles of recovery in my everyday life, and from sharing that experience with others. My Higher Power presents many opportunities for deeper spiritual awakening. I need only to bring into my recovery that willingness to grow. Today I am willing to grow.

As usual, I find it is no coincidence that this reading directly reflects what I have chosen to do in my recovery. I have been praying to have the willingness to finally deal with some other issues that have so plagued me in the past. Actually, my avoidance of doing ALL the work, I believe, sent me back out on more than one occasion. Today I value myself, my sobriety, and all of my friends and loved ones. Here is yet another example of how my HP takes care of me, I am now actively working on Step Three with my sponsor, and there is a reading from the Big Book, Chapter Five, that says:

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way, what we used to be like, what happened and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have, and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with alcohol- cunning, baffling , powerful ! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power- that One is God. May you find Him now.

Half measures availed us nothing, we stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon..."

With that I will pray that each and every one of us have a peaceful , loving day, safely tucked into the caring arms of God- I love you all.