I AM NOW A WORKIN' GURL!

Yup, have a seat if yer not sittin' already! Me, Lushgurl, actually found a job. Well, I can't take all of the credit really, I was speaking to my sponsor the other day and kind of stressing over the financial situation that I am in. OK, I was not so much speaking as I was ranting! But the point is, that my sponsor, in all of her sponsorly wisdom told me to keep it in today. Sound familiar to anyone? Our dear friend Pam always says it too! So she told me to pray for some money, that miracles do happen, and maybe I'd find a cheque in the mail or something LOL. And I took her advice, but I asked God to just let me know that I'd be ok. I don't believe I should be askin' for money because I don't know if that is God's Will for me, but I know that He does provide or He'll send me a sign of what to do...

On Saturday AAngel and I had gone out, stopping for bus tickets at a corner store near our house, I noticed a 'Help Wanted' sign in the window. I spoke to the gurl who was working and she suggested I bring in my resume and give it to the owner, which I did on Sunday. I was telling him a little about my work experience at the Deli, how I ran it by all by self for about six weeks, and he said he would call me in a couple of days, and that maybe I could start training on Thursday. As we were leaving AAngel gives me a big hug and says "Mommy I am so happy for you, you got the job!" Now me, being who I am, did not see it that way, I thought he said he'd call me to let me know, and then I would start on Thursday. He didn't even look at my resume that I had been working on since last March- the NERVE of him!

Monday night I got a phone call asking if I could come in Tuesday from 10:00 until 2:00!!! I worked yesterday and when I was leaving, my new boss gave me my hours for the week. It is called "Sherwood Deli and Meat Market". I loved my first day, I feel in my element there. The guy who was training me was quite impressed that I caught on so fast, he said he liked that I didn't stand around waiting to be told what to do. I think we make a good team. Ever cool huh? In the good vibes of the day, I continue with this reading from As Bill Sees It- opened randomly:

AA is more than a set of principles; it is a society of alcoholics in action. We must carry the message, else we ourselves can wither and those who haven't been given the truth may die.

***************************

Faith is more than our greatest gift; its sharing with others is our greatest responsibility. May we of AA continually seek the wisdom and the willingness by which we may well fulfill the immense trust which the Giver of all perfect gifts has placed in our hands.

Have the best day EVER, and I'll stalk to ya soon!

hAApy hAAlf nAAked thursdAAY to all!

I grew this raspberry all by self...to see more hAAlf nAAked fun click here... http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

Here is a reading from As Bill Sees it, chose by randomly opening the book, to see if He has a message for me...

We do not relate intimate experiences of another member unless we are sure he would approve. We find it better, when possible, to stick to our own stories. A man may critisize or laugh at himself and it will affect others favorably, but critisism or ridicule aimed at someone else often produces the contrary effect.

A continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means are necessities for us. We alcoholics have learned this the hard way. More experienced people, of course, in all times and places have practiced unsparing self-survey and critisism. pg 151

After I moved away from my parents home when I was 17, I would still go home for Sunday dinner. I enjoyed the chance to spend time with my family, and my moms' great cooking. One thing I did not enjoy though, was that more often than not, my dad, my brother-in-law and my sister would pick on me. I think, at the time, it was not meant to hurt, but invariably, I did feel hurt. The joking around would often take on a slightly cruel theme. They were merciless, and although it may have been tongue-in-cheek humour, it taught me a lesson about 'taking someone elses inventory'. Today, when I hear someone share at meetings, I get annoyed when I hear them talk in "you's". In treatment, I was taught to speak in "I" statements, and I find this is a much better practice for discussing my story, my feelings or my actions.

Today I am grateful for the following...

• to have another day clean and sober
• the predicted thunder storms missed us last night
• I have managed to grow a few (edible) raspberries in my garden
• new Asian lilies have bloomed today- white with yellow centers
• my Tiger lilies have begun to bloom
• AAngel is here for another five days
• everyday I have the opportunity to learn more about me
• everyday I have the opportunity to learn more about you
• for all the things we have in common
• for each and every recovery peep...that means YOU!

...and if ya enjoyed the first raspberry, here's another one!

HE CAN RESTORE ME TO SANITY

These are pictures of AAngel and Toughguy, on a rare occasion when he allowed her to cuddle with him!

Technically it is Sunday morning, so I thought I'd start to post since I haven't since Wednesday! I just don't know where the week has gone! I have been busy, so I know that's part of it, but gee, I remember Monday like it was yesterday, and here it is almost Monday again! First thing this morning I was supposed to meet with my sponsor to discuss Step Two. I was looking forward to this, we are getting along quite well and she is very smart. I didn't make it to our meeting though 'cause it was at 9:30 and I slept in!

I've heard that the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing and expecting different results". I can definately see how my disease caused much insanity in my life. When I chaired my home group on Friday, I shared how I probably was an alcoholic from the first time I drank in earnest. I was plagued by blackouts very early on. I found them to be terrifying, but then I also thought that blackouts just happened whenever people drank! I continued drinking for about 10 years before someone clued me in to the fact that no, not everyone had blackouts, but did I quit drinking? No of course not, because I kept hoping that I wouldn't have another blackout. After spending years sober and in the program, I relapsed, I remember thinking that maybe I would be able to drink normally, since I hadn't drank at all for so many years. I was wrong! So I returned to AA again, and a few years later embarked on another drinking expedition...different day, same results. Insanity, yup, I've been there!!!

Here is today's Daily Reflection reading...
We are only operating a spiritual kindergarten in which people are enabled to get over drinking and find the grace to go on living to better effect.
As Bill Sees It pg. 95

When I came to AA, I was run down by the bottle and wanted to lose the obsession to drink, but I didn't really know how to do that. I decided to stick around long enough to find out from the ones who went before me. All of a sudden I was thinking about God! I was told to get a Higher Power and I had no idea what one looked like. I found out there are many Higher Powers. I was told to find God, as I understand Him, that there was no doctrine of the Godhead in AA. I found that Power to restore me to sanity. The obsession to drink was removed and- one day at a time- my life went on, and I learned how to live sober.

Once again I am struck with awe that this reading has to do with restoring me to sanity, isn't that what I am working on today? So, here is what I am gratefuil for today..

• a loving God who sends me messages when I least expect them
  
• a really good sleep after a very tiring week


• my sponsor who forgave me for sleeping in this AM, we are meeting on Tuesday instead


• for all of the delicious salads I have been eating this week


• more blooms in my garden- pictures are coming!


• I've been too tired/busy to blog-stalk y'all, but you're all still here!


• I've not been too tired/busy to get to my meetings


• my AAngel has been with me since Tuesday, and we are getting along very well


• my AAngel gives the BEST hugs in the world, if or when I meet any of you for real, I can show you how she hugs!


• to be more accepting of myself today


• I am clean and sober today


• YOU are clean and sober today.....Here I come, see you soon!

ALL WE DO IS TRY!

I have had a busy week so far! On Monday I had to go to another plan of care for Angel as we begin to re-integrate her home. When I first arrived, the Children's Aid worker said "I heard you had a rough weekend". I told him that yes, it had started that way, but the rest of my weekend was great! I wish I could have captured his disbelief on film, I almost laughed ! I then attempted to explain to him how I was learning to care for self and that when Angel had her melt-down with all the accompanying abuse and other behaviours, I chose to care for me and send her home! It dawned on me, when talking to a friend yesterday, that he just doesn't "get" the program. With all of the apprehensions he does, taking children out of homes of alcoholic or drug addicted parents, he has no idea about the recovery process! My friend pointed out that he probably viewed my taking care of me as at the expense of Angels' well being. I'm sure that it did come across that way, but that is so not how I meant it...

If only he knew what it has taken for me to get to where I am. If only he knew how I struggle still with all of the guilt that comes from being sober and remembering all the times when I was truly selfish and unavailable to my precious child. If only he knew that by setting a boundary, and imposing a consequence, I am trying to teach Angel that I do love her, and I love me, so I owe it to both of us to treat her mom with love and respect and self care first... But he doesn't know any of this I guess. He asked me what I will do if Angel engages in these behaviours when she is with me more often, and I no longer have the option of 'sending her back'. I told him that I had faith that we are learning to stay out of each others' way, and by taking 'time out' away from each other, we would calm down enough to talk through the problem. I had lots of people to call who love and support me in my life, people who "get" the program and can help me to stay focused. People who can remind me to not try to change Angel, but show her that I will not tolerate some behaviours by staying strong.He said that that might help me not to drink, but what about the parenting issues? He doesn't understand how much this program teaches us about life, parenting, job hunting, indeed all of the things that we need, to live better lives. Today, I am OK with his ignorance.

After the POC, I went to Walmart to pick up a few things, and I left my name on a list of people interested in employment. Yesterday I got a call to go in for an information session. There were four of us, we were given applications and reference pages, and had an initial interview, I feel it went quite well. I didn't know that I would be interviewed then, but I think I showed my enthusiasm to work at Walmart, more shall be revealed! If they are interested, I will hear from them by the end of the week for a final interview... Hello, my name is Lushgurl, how may I help you today? Tonight is relapse prevention group and then a big celebration at one of my favourite AA groups. One of the men who is celebrating 13 years, is the one who will present me with my medallion at my celebration on Friday. I can hardly wait!

And speaking of making changes in self, and self-care, here is todays Daily Reflection...

Can He now take them all- every one ?
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.76

In doing Step Six it helped me a lot to remember that I am striving for "spiritual progress". Some of my character defects may be with me for the rest of my life, but most of them have been toned down or eliminated. All that Step Six asks of me is to become willing to name my defects, claim them as my own, and be willing to discard the ones I can, just for today. As I grow in the program, many of my defects become more objectionable to me than previously and, therefore, I need to repeat Step Six so that I can become happier with myself and maintain my serenity.

You guys rock too! Have a wonderful Wednesday every one of you!

JOYFUL DISCOVERIES

Here is today's Daily Reflection's...

We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answeres will come if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 164

Sobriety is a journey of joyful discovery. Each day brings new experience, awareness, greater hope, deeper faith, broader tolerance. I must maintain these attributes or I will have nothing to pass on.
Great events for this recovering alcoholic are the normal everyday joy found in being able to live another day in God's grace.

Not so very long ago, I remember wishing that I would not have to face another day. Although I had many moments of good things, maybe even joy, my world had become so small. Each day was pretty much the same as the one before. And one constant for me was the pain I felt. It was the pain of not having my daughter with me, I knew it was my own actions that caused her to be taken from my home. It was the pain of knowing that I would drink again that very day, and knowing that the results of my drinking would likely be the same as the day before. I would have blackouts daily, somedays I would wake up injured, only to guess at what I had done to cause the injuries. I would always wake up hungover, going to the same job, with the same customers in the same sick environment. I wanted so badly to stop the cycle of pain and hopelessness that I faced everyday, but my methods to do so, were indeed just causing more of the same pain.

Today I wake up at unGodly hours, for me! But I have clear memories of the night before. If I wake up not feeling well, I have the faith that "this too shall pass". If it is raining out, like it is today, I can be thankful for the nourishment to my garden. I don't always have plans for each day, but I know that it can and will be a good day if I continue to ask for guidance. I feel love every single day, I have many moments of joy everyday. I wonder what the day will bring, but not with dread.

Today I am truly grateful/thankful for the following...

• the cleansing rain that is falling
• my pounding headache is from a cold, not a hangover
• my daughter has decided to spend the whole weekend with me
• at my home group tonight, I will ask to celebrate my one year in June
• my Angel told me last night that she is so proud of me for this accomplishment
• I am proud of me for the hard work I am doing today
• I spoke to a suffering friend yesterday, and he is taking care of himself
• I only have to look around to see the beauty of the program in my life today
• for all of my clean and sober friends who walk this road to happy destiny with me. that means all of you
• I am clean and sober today, and happy to be so
• even though I don't feel great I am still motivated to do housework
• I have decided to have the inscription "Happy, Joyous and Free" put on my one year medallion
• I truly wish good things in my heart for all my fellows, and again -that means YOU!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone, unless you have made OTHER plans!!!

LOOKING BACK AND MOVING FORWARD...

If I were
to close my eyes
would you shed a tear for me?
I'm tired of living
so many lies
I want for sleep to set me free
I always dreamt
of so much more
but happiness I never found
I'm tired of trying
to break these chains
that ever seem to hold me down
where is the hope
that I once knew
the dark of night brings peace you see
when I lay down
to close my eyes
do not shed a tear for me...

written by me on October 4, 2003

I hardly even remember the gurl who wrote this poem and was in so much pain. I know from the date that I had just begun to smoke pot again that spring. I also know that by the summer I was drinking again, and in the fall (no pun intended) I was seduced once again by my nemesis, cocaine. Things were pretty tough back then. Angel and I were fighting (for control?) all of the time. I had started to hang with people who didn't care about me, only what I could give them. I started to sink deeper into despair and self loathing, I couldn't even see the way out. But one thing I did know was that I was not being true to myself, and with every passing day that I used, I fell deeper into the hole that I had dug for myself. I was out of control, my child was out of control, my LIFE was out of control. I wanted out...of all the pain.

I am happy to report that as of today, I have been free of the chains of cocaine addiction for 17 months. Holy cow! Look how far I have come! It was not always an easy road back to recovery, there were many days that I felt I just couldn't go on, the pain was ever present. I just didn't know how I could possibly survive another day (like that). Slowly, and by just putting one foot in front of the other, I started to get well again. I came back to AA, and soon realized that this road was, for me, the easier softer way! Not all of my days have been great and I'm sure that I will have many more difficult days ahead. The difference is that today I have hope and faith and I know with absolutely no reservations, that if I continue to stay clean and sober my worst day today will never be as bad as my best day back then. With the help of my Higher Power and the fellowship of AA, being able to post on my blog and dump the crap and with all of your feedback, My life is so beautiful and I am very grateful for that today.

...and now for our reading from Daily Reflections...

Fear... of economic insecurity will leave us.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.84

Having fear reduced or eliminated and having economic cicumstances improve, are two different things. When I was new in AA, I had those two ideas confused. I thought fear would leave me only when I started making money. However another line from the Big Book jumped off the page one day when I was chewing on my financial difficulties : " For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress, never preceeded." ( pg 127). I suddenly understood that this promise was a guarantee. I saw that it put priorities in the correct order, that spiritual progress would diminish that terrible fear of being destitute, just as it diminished many other fears.

Today I try to use the gifts God gave me to benefit others. I've found that it is what others valued all along. I try to remember that I no longer work for myself. I only get the use of the wealth God created, I never "owned" it. My life's purpose is much clearer when I just work to help, not to possess.

So with that my friends, I wish you all a peaceful, loving and sober day.... Enjoy!

REAL INDEPENDANCE

Today's Daily Reflections...

The more we become willing to depend on a Higher Power, the more independant we actually are.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.36

I start with a little willingness to trust God and He causes that willingness to grow. The more willingness I have, the more trust I gain, the more willingness I have. My dependance on God grows as my trust in Him grows. Before I became willing , I depended on myself for all my needs and I was restricted by my incompleteness. Through my willingness to depend upon my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, all my needs are provided for by Someone Who knows me better than I know myself- even the needs I may not realize, as well as the ones yet to come. Only Someone Who knows me that well could bring me to be myself and to help me fill the need to somone else that only I am meant to fill. There never will be another exactly like me. And that is real independance.

TodAAy I am thAAnkful and grAAteful for the following...

* that He did break the mold after He made me!

* for all my (sober) blogging friends who share their experience, strength and hope with me .

* for all my (other) blogging friends who show me that 'earthlings' can be cool too .

* After FIVE WHOLE DAYS TOGETHER there was no blood shed between Angel and me !!!

* I am clean and sober todAAY.

* I am learning to put new stuff on my Blog without deleting the whole thing !

* Through learning to love myself more I am also learning to be more kind, respectful and loving to others.

* No matter where I go, there I am!

* I have willingness todAAY.

Keep coming back...TTFN

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS

Hi there , I am back from court and still intact! We didn't get to see the Judge after all today, but you know what? I was prepared for whatever the outcome would be! Cool huh ! I made sure I was up early so I didn't have to rush around, I read all three of my daily meditation books, I ate some breakfast so my tummy didn't rumble in the middle of everything, I even had time to read all the amazing and supportive comments left for me by all of you! On my way to catch the bus I ran into a fellow AA who also has been very kind to me in the rooms...he was the one who gave me my 'seven' month chip 'cause he knew I still needed that outside approval (read the applause!).

I arrived at court early, Angel was there too, so I got and gave a great big hug AND she brought me a Timmy's coffee, I just knew I was going to have a good day! When I saw my lawyer I gave her the letter I had written to the Judge and she said it would be included in our formal papers, so that went well. It seems at this point all of the parties are in agreement! How did that happen? We are now asking for four months of society ward ship and then re-integration for Angel to move back home. Of course I know that the Judge will still have the final say to approve or not approve this, but I really think I will be OK no matter what the outcome is! Hmmmm, could it be that I have begun to change? I just am really feeling different these days (different is good right?) although I do have a small confession to make... I had a slip! NO not THAT kind of slip, I missed a day reading my 12 X 12 so now I hafta start at day one again! I figure if that is the worst thing that could happen to me today then all is good in my world!

All right, so here is my list of six weird things about me ( oh and THANKS a lot for all the suggestions that poured in to make MY JOB easier LOL)...

1) I am anal about the toilet tissue hanging thing... it HAS to wind down from the top, I have even changed it at friends' houses or public washroom's... good thing not everyone is as anal as I am!
2) I am afraid (terrified) to fly but have a goal of taking Angel on a vacation to um, Hawaii or the Carribean or Europe...maybe teleporters will be invented by the time I have enough money to go anywhere!
3) One of my favorite things to do in the world is gardening, but I am terribly allergic to pollen and grass and ragweed!!!
4) I absoluetly cannot sleep without a light on, even if it is just a night light. The curtains in my bedroom are sheer to let the outside light in!
5) For most of my adult life no one any where ever saw me without my make up on, not even my mother! I am much more accepting of me today though...just don't show up at my house unannounced!
6) Last (for this list anyways) but not least...I think I might have been a cat in a previous life! Yeah you heard right LOL my nails are very curved almost like cat-claws and I have been known to 'speak' to cats and have them 'speak' to me!!!

Are y'all happy now? Just when I was starting to get some credibility back into my life! But that was kinda fun really ( note to self- don't do that again!!!)

And here is one of the things I read this morning...

A World of the Spirit
We have entered into a world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. That is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 84

The word "entered"... and the phrase "entered into the world of the Spirit" are very significant. They imply action, a beginning, getting into, a prerequisite to maintaining my spiritual growth, the "Spirit" being the immaterial part of me. Barriers to my spiritual growth are self-centeredness and a material focus on worldly things. Spirituality means devotion to spiritual instead of worldly things, it means obedience to God's will for me. I understand spiritual things to be : unconditional love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control and humility. Any time I allow selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear to be a part of me, I block out spiritual things. As I maintain my sobriety, growing spiritually becomes a life long process. My goal is spiritual growth, accepting that I'll never have spiritual perfection.

On that note thank you again for all the love and support you have shown to me and my Angel and if there is such a thing as Karma, I hope all of you get all of this back in triplicate! HUGS and Love to all of you today!