I AM NOW A WORKIN' GURL!

Yup, have a seat if yer not sittin' already! Me, Lushgurl, actually found a job. Well, I can't take all of the credit really, I was speaking to my sponsor the other day and kind of stressing over the financial situation that I am in. OK, I was not so much speaking as I was ranting! But the point is, that my sponsor, in all of her sponsorly wisdom told me to keep it in today. Sound familiar to anyone? Our dear friend Pam always says it too! So she told me to pray for some money, that miracles do happen, and maybe I'd find a cheque in the mail or something LOL. And I took her advice, but I asked God to just let me know that I'd be ok. I don't believe I should be askin' for money because I don't know if that is God's Will for me, but I know that He does provide or He'll send me a sign of what to do...

On Saturday AAngel and I had gone out, stopping for bus tickets at a corner store near our house, I noticed a 'Help Wanted' sign in the window. I spoke to the gurl who was working and she suggested I bring in my resume and give it to the owner, which I did on Sunday. I was telling him a little about my work experience at the Deli, how I ran it by all by self for about six weeks, and he said he would call me in a couple of days, and that maybe I could start training on Thursday. As we were leaving AAngel gives me a big hug and says "Mommy I am so happy for you, you got the job!" Now me, being who I am, did not see it that way, I thought he said he'd call me to let me know, and then I would start on Thursday. He didn't even look at my resume that I had been working on since last March- the NERVE of him!

Monday night I got a phone call asking if I could come in Tuesday from 10:00 until 2:00!!! I worked yesterday and when I was leaving, my new boss gave me my hours for the week. It is called "Sherwood Deli and Meat Market". I loved my first day, I feel in my element there. The guy who was training me was quite impressed that I caught on so fast, he said he liked that I didn't stand around waiting to be told what to do. I think we make a good team. Ever cool huh? In the good vibes of the day, I continue with this reading from As Bill Sees It- opened randomly:

AA is more than a set of principles; it is a society of alcoholics in action. We must carry the message, else we ourselves can wither and those who haven't been given the truth may die.

***************************

Faith is more than our greatest gift; its sharing with others is our greatest responsibility. May we of AA continually seek the wisdom and the willingness by which we may well fulfill the immense trust which the Giver of all perfect gifts has placed in our hands.

Have the best day EVER, and I'll stalk to ya soon!

DO I LOOK ANY OLDER?

This is a picture of me a year and a day old...how do ya like me now? And here is todays Daily Reflection...

... we then look at Step Six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensible.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 76

Steps Four and Five were difficult, but worthwhile. Now I was stuck on Step Six and, in despair, I picked up the Big Book and read this passage. I was outside, praying for willingness, when I raised my eyes and saw a huge bird rising in the sky. I watched it suddenly give itself up to the powerful air currents of the mountains. Swept along, swooping and soaring, the bird did things seemingly impossible for mortal birds to do. It was an inspiring example of how a fellow creature "letting go" to a power greater than itself. I realized that if the bird "took back his will" and tried to fly with less trust, on its own power alone, it would spoil its apparent free flight. That insight granted me the willingness to pray the Seventh Step prayer.

It's not easy to know God's will in each circumstance. I must search out and be ready for the currents, and that's where prayer and meditation help! Because I am, of myself, nothing. I ask God to grant me knowledge of His will, and the power and courage to carry it out- today.

Yesterday, I was determined to begin the next phase of my recovery in a new way. Instead of staying stuck in the hurt from my fight with Angel, I chose to enjoy my day, and that included some elements of self-care, where before there would have been self-destruction. I had some breakfast, read my prayers and meditations, and did some blog-stalking. Then I picked up the phone. I called the woman who had spoken on Friday night, we had a very good conversation about learning to let go of control of our children. I asked her how long it took for her own daughter to forgive her for all of the alcoholic behaviours, she said about two years! It had been a painful journey for both of them, but in the end, it all worked out. The second call came to me. It was my new sponsor (yes I'll probably keep calling her my 'new sponsor' , even after twenty years!). She was calling to see how I was. Again we talked about letting go of children- is there a message here? We are getting together to read and discuss Step one, this is appropriate for me I think, because if I stay focused on today, I may just make it this time! The third call was to a very good friend. An amazing young woman of thirty, who is about to celebrate 16 years of clean and sober living. She really has been my 'bestest friend' ever since I met her. At my first meeting back, she was the speaker, I was in awe, I wanted what she had, and thankfully, we became friends.

I spent the afternoon watching my Jays kick butt against Chicago- YAY! I puttered in my garden, showered and then went for a bike ride. I chose not to call Angel, just to let the dust settle. when I got back from my ride, there was a message from Angel, apologizing for her behaviour and asking me to forgive her. She said "if you're not too mad at me...". I cried. I don't think she knows how very much I truly love her, even when I'm angry. And the truth is, that I wasn't really angry at all, I was just feeling overwhelmed and questioning my ability to be a good mother. When she acts out and expresses anger like she did, I know it is because she feels safe enough to do that, I just want for her to not have to hurt herself or me or anyone else in the process.... We will talk later today, I will remind her that I love her no matter what, and apologize for hurting her. I will ask her what she needs from me. That, for today is all I can do.

Today I am grateful for the following...

• I don't have a hangover from celebrating my first birthday
• I didn't feel the need to hurt me or anyone else yesterday
• I have everything I need, and then some
• there are many people in my life today who love and trust me
• there are many people in my life today who I love and trust
• today can be any kind of day I choose it to be
• I am 366 days sober, and ready to keep learning and growing
• that I received about 15 e-mails yesterday to congratulate me on my anniversary- they were all people I had never met or 'spoken' to before!
• today, I feel "Happy, Joyous and Free"
• for every single one of YOU- loving me, sharing with me, and accepting me
  

IT'S A JUNGLE IN HERE!

I had a using dream last night. I haven't had one for many years, since the last time I attempted this recovery thing. I think it is because tomorrow is officially my one year clean and sober. So in this dream, I actually have no memory of the using part- big surprise there! But I was with my new sponsor, in a school or something, and I felt VERY stoned. The thing is, because I had no memory of using, I denied that I was stoned. I definately did not like how it felt, it was like I was bordering on a major anxiety attack, so out of control... I didn't like the fact that I had to lie to cover it up either. When I woke up, I still felt at odds with me, guilty almost. So I went to take some more pictures of my garden. The first one I named "It's a jungle out here" and the second "My garden Angel". The first represents how I felt when I first woke up, and the second is a reminder to me, of how this program can be full of miracles, when we choose to see them.

Here is today's Daily Reflection, and maybe it is another message from my Higher Power on this eve of my one year...

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 84

When I was drinking, my attitude was totally selfish, totally self-centered; my pleasure and my comfort came first. Now that I am sober, self-seeking has started to slip away. My whole attitude toward life and people is changing. For me, the first "A" in our name stands for attitude. My attitude is changed by the second "A" in our name, which stands for action. By working the Steps, attending meetings, and carrying the message, I can be restored to sanity. Action is the magic word! With a positive, helpful attitude and regular AA action, I can stay sober and help others to achieve sobriety. My attitude now is that I am willing to go to any lengths to stay sober!

Today I am extremely grateful for the following...

• my attitude and outlook has begun to change


• to be chairing my home group for the month of June- my way of carrying the message


• to choose the speakers for June- I have decided to hear some women speak- Five of 'em!


• the jungle in my back yard does not represent my crowded mind!


• I can fill my days with activity instead of fear


• if I have everything I need, and then some, I can share with others


• today I have everything I need and then some!


• me, clean and sober for one year = a miracle in my world


• now that Angel has decided to come home, I have the opportunity to be the mom that she needs and deserves


• all of the comments (support) to my bloggy and my recovery- I never could have done this without you


• today I cry tears of gratitude, not remorse


• each and every one of YOU- I so love you guys!!!

WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES

Just thought I'd share some more of my garden with you all, these are purple and yellow irises. I wish you could see them in real life, but hope you get how pretty they are! It is hAAlf nAAked Thursday, and it seems I began my preparation yesterday. Gawd, I felt so nAAked and exposed, but it felt good to be able to 'bare' my heart and soul to you. I continued to share my woes at Relapse Prevention group and again at the Rainbow Group. I feel lighter today, and I see my counsellor later....WHEW! Last night I was lucky enough to have a new(er)comer come up to me after the meeting. I had mentioned that my butt would be sitting at the Womens; group tonight, who knows, I may find a new sponsor, or at the very least, get some more phone numbers for my tool box. So shewas saying how she felt kind of at odds because she had the least amount of sobriety in the group, I quickly reminded her that all any of us had was today. No matter if we 'have thirty years, thirty days or thirty minutes, we are all only an arms' length away from that first drink. I think it is important to remember that. Then. before I could stop it, my big mouth blurted out "I'll see ya tomorrow at the womans' Group"... crap, now I've made a committment...thanks HP!!!

Here is today's Daily Reflection's reading... as soon as I opened the book and saw it, I knew I would be OK, the title today is "Happy, Joyous and Free", what are the chances? This is exactly what I have asked to be inscribed on my one year medallion...

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery, God didn't do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 133

For years I believed in a punishing God and blamed Him for my misery. I have learned that I must lay down the "weapons" of self in order to pick up the "tools" of the AA program . I do not struggle with the program because it is a gift and I have never struggled when receiving a gift. If I sometimes keep on struggling, it is because I'm still hanging onto my old ideas and..." the results are nil."

You see I have never doubted in a God of my own understanding, but many times I have been too busy listening to the sh*tty committee in my head that I am unable to hear Him speak to me. I was so touched last night by the outpouring of love and support to yesterday's post. I had been in so much pain, but when I read all of your comments, I broke down in tears of gratitude. I felt loved and accepted, and fully a part of this wonderful AA world - thank you all so much for showing me just how this program works everyday. Here is what I am grateful for today..

• I was able to post to HNT for the second time!


• the cleansing tears that I have shed


• for all of the support I have in my 'real' life and my 'blog' life


• I am one day closer to my 365 days of being clean and sober


• the road I walk upon is always changing for the better


• we are not alone in our trAAvels


• someday, I feel, I will be able to HUG some of you in person


• today is going to be another good day, because I choose it to be


• I was able to set a boundary with Angel and stick to it


• I want to take care of me today- what a change !


• for each and every one of my 'true friends' in blogland- yes that means YOU

It's gonna be very hot here today, I might have to spend my day hAAlf nAAked... for more hAAlf nAAked fun go here: http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

..AND NO MORE RESERVATIONS

We have seen the truth again and again: "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic"... If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservations of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol... To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time nor to take quantities some of us have.This is particularily true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 33
These words are underlined in my book. They are true for men and women alcoholics. On many occasions, I've turned to this page and reflected on this passage. I need never fool myself by recalling my sometimes differing drinking patterns, or by believing I am "cured". I like to think that, if sobriety is God's gift to me, then my sober life is my gift to God. I hope God is as happy with His gift as I am with mine.

To borrow a quote from my friend Pam "Sobriety is Exhausting!"... This week has been a little messed up, to say the least! Monday I had many naps, after spending five days with Angel. I was totally wiped out! We really didn't DO a whole lot, but just being around another human 24/7 is a little overwhelming for me! I am anxiously awaiting her return home, but with just a touch of fear. It's going to be different for me to once again share my life and home after being on my own for over two years....what if I can't do it? What if I mess her up AGAIN...What if, what if, what if....

Yes Pam- I hear you! KEEP IT IN TODAY!!!

On Tuesday I had cancelled an appointment that I was to find out wasn't until NEXT Tuesday!! I have just been SOOO tired! On Wednesday I actually did something productive- went to my 'Rainbow Group". It was very full and once again, I felt a little overwhelmed at being around people for that long. By yesterday, I was feeling exhausted! Maybe it's still the remnants of being sick a few weeks ago, maybe it's my allergies kicking in already, not quite sure, but I know that I am wiped out this week. Alas, though God had other plans for me yesterday, we had another court date. I didn't even post about it, I guess 'cause in my mind, I was thinking "no biggie, been there done that, this will not be any different". I had even called my lawyer early in the morning to try and not go! I thought that since our appearance was at 11:00, that it would not be before a judge. Good thing I got my sh*t together and showed up though... it was an appearance before Her Honour!

True to the 'old' me, I was running a little late- procrastination, the nectar of the evil ones'...I hadn't eaten or read my daily meditations. At least before I ran out the door, I grabbed a big bottle of water, my "Daily Reflections" book AND my "Twenty four Hours a Day" book, and went to catch the bus. Just as I was walking down the final, short road to the bus stop I saw the bus go whizzing by! I wasn't even within running distance (but I did briefly consider running MC, you too are in my 'daily' mind !) So bus being missed and lushgurl running late used to equal a really good excuse for the AW F**K IT'S to kick in, happily though He put someone in my path that kept me at the bus stop! I was trying to be patient when an 'old' acquaintance rode by on his bike. I had hoped he wouldn't stop to talk, but again, HE had other plans.

The guy was someone I had known from my using days. I never really liked him, found him a little creepy, and he was a coke-head. I think he was interested in me, but as he had nothing to offer me (broke, unemployed, always looking for drugs...) I never hooked up with him- thank God! Any way he did stop to talk and when he asked how I was I immediately launched into "I am clean and sober today, I am going to AA today, blah blah, blah" I was hoping he would get bored and leave, but you know, he had been wondering why I hadn't been around and decided to keep me company while I waited for the next bus! Finally it arrived, and I was feeling kinda icky, so I pulled out my books and read, and prayed, right on the bus. I didn't care if people were looking at me, and I started to feel calmer.

When I got to court there was my Angel and our CAS worker, and we hadn't been called to go in yet, did I EVER wonder if HE is working in my life? At last,we were called in, and the judge was there and was I ever glad that I hadn't blown it off. How bad would it have looked if the 'mother' didn't appear? I think that the judge was reading our applications which included my letter. And the end result was that Angel will be in care until July 19 th, which is EXACTLY one week before she turns 16! At that point we will attend our FINAL court appearance to decide where she will live. I am so relieved that I don't have to worry and fret about any of this again for a while.

So back to the title of this post... AND NO MORE RESERVATIONS...No, I have none. I am today, and always will be, an alcoholic. I do not have any left over thoughts that maybe I can drink or use again. My God is in my life and HE knows what I need even when I don't. If I keep doing the next right thing, then all will be well in my world. And I don't have to fret or worry about tomorrow, for it will be OK too! Now I am going to do my readings and feed my body, my Angel is coming back today! I have some laundry and housework to do and Then I will do my daily blog-stalking! So, yes, I will see you all later! and no, that is NOT a threat, it is a promise!!! Until later... chill baby and peace out y'all- see Angel Yomomma Can Be SICK sometimes!!!

SOMETIMES I WAKE UP CRABBY, SOMETIMES I LET HER SLEEP IN!

Here is the reading from today's Daily Reflections...

My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea..... "Why don't you choose your own conception of God?" That statement hit me hard. It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. I stood in the sunlight at last. It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 12

Yesterday was a beautiful and sunny day in my world, and I'm not referring to the weather! Dispite the fact that the night before had been so difficult for me, I continued to do the right things and it all went well in the end! So I had made plans to meet my mom for lunch yesterday, she had recently returned from a trip to the Dominican Republic. My mom stiil needs to have a 'reason' to see me, and I am OK with that today! The 'reason' yesterday was that she had brought me back some American smokes...love those Marlboro's, and no I am not planning to quit smoking TODAY! I look forward to spending time with my mom today. I have grown to love and appreciate her more in these few months of sobriety than I ever did before! When we talk on the phone I always say "I love you mom", before we hang up, and she never used to say it back (ouch), but the last few times we've spoken she has said " I love you too Babe". I always knew my mom loved me, but it warms my heart to hear the words from her today. PS, mom forgot to bring the smokes with her LOL

I began my day in the usual way, blog-stalking, doing my readings, having something to eat, and I chose to let Angel sleep. She had asked me to wake her up, but I was a little afraid as we did not have the best night the night before. I figure that she would not be happy with me anyway, so I opted to take care of me and get ready to go meet my mom. So about twenty minutes before I was ready to leave, I woke Angel up and told her I was leaving in fifteen, I know it did not really give her enough time to get ready, but I was kind of in self-preservation mode! She was not happy with me (big surprise) and asked if I WANTED her to come to lunch or if I was going to make her day a 'living hell'! I told her that I did want her to come with, but it was up to her to have the kind of day she chose to have. I got ready, left Angel some bus tickets and the keys, told her I loved her, and left the house! While I was getting ready though, Angel sat on the stairs watching and baiting me, but I didn't bite! Change is good!

On the way to the bus stop, I picked up a couple of scratch tickets, I know, I have to be careful there, and I am, but it is a small indulgence that I enjoy today... Anyway I won $50.00...WOOHOO. I felt rich! I had also received a check that was in the mail and actually WAS in the mail and actually arrived!!! So I made a decision to spend some money ON ME... OOOHHH, don't know if I can do it, must remove the receipts so I can't return stuff later (when the guilt sets in!) When I got to the mall, I was early, so I had some time to look around, and saw a sale!!! They had winter coats on for 50% off, and I found one that I loved and it fit! It was marked down from $375.00 to $129.00 and another 50% off that! The last time I bought a winter coat was about four or five years ago at a second hand shop, it cost me $25.00!

I waited for my mom to arrive (she had my youngest niece with her, yay, two for the price of one on hugs too!) and then went to show her the coat...of course my mom decided that she needed a new spring jacket, and are ya gettin' where I'm going here? She paid for my coat too! I no longer argue with my mom over such things, as it apparently is in the genes...my mom and HER mom used to argue over who paid for what ALL the time (in a loving way). Mom would give my grandma money for food or gas, whatever and grandma would put the money back in mom's purse then mom would find it and hide it in the cookie jar, then grandma would find it and put it under moms' pillow.... you see, it is no use telling my mom to NOT pay for stuff, better to just say thank you, I appreciate it!

With the money I didn't spend on the coat, I decided to get some new ruuning shoes, again, much needed as present running shoes have a hole in the bottom and are about four years old (and no MC, I will NOT be RUNNING in my running shoes!) So at the shoe store what do I see? Another sale!! Oh life is sweet today... I had a tough time deciding between two pairs, but opted for the more expensive ones, they were all leather and were marked down from $50. to $23. and who in their right mind could pass up a deal like that! So I go to put the other shoes back and when I went to pay for the first pair, a miracle happened...into one shoe was stuffed a twenty and a ten!!! So I ended up with TWO new pairs of runners! One of the pairs is black with turquoise stripes and black laces with turquoise ribbon laces , too cute, and my favorite colours. The other pair is white with pink striping on them, nice and summer-ry! I LOVE new shoes and (I think) I deserve them and I even wore the black ones last night so I can't return them!!! Last night Angel and I went to the woman's meeting, which was great, full of love and laughter, I think I'll probably attend it every week.

Today I woke up to another great day, funny how I seem to be having more and more of those lately! I really am so grateful to be able to choose the kind of days I have, life just keeps getting better. When I got up I discovered a message on the phone from a very busy friend who I had thought abandoned me, but no, it's not always about me! Friend actually and truly DOES have a very busy (and stressful) life and offered to kick my butt the next time I indulge in I-think-she's-mad-at-me-for-no-apparent-reason thinking, and what could possibly be better than a good old ass-kicking from someone you love and who loves you?

That's all for now friends, no, no, don't thank me (for ending this here) 'cause you all know I'll be back later! Have a great day ALL...

I BROKE MY ARM PATTING MY BACK!

I was so proud of the hard work that I had done fixing up my Blog, and so busy patting myself on the back, that I hadn't checked to see if everything was working. That's what happens when I try to run the show! My Higher Power usually steps in with His irony and says "You think you're all that and a bag of BBQ ruffles do you? Well watch this!" Yes My GUY has a sense of humour all right!... Just sometimes I wish it wasn't at MY expense! It seems that although I think my Blog looks beautiful, my links aren't all working... typical in my life, It looks good on the outside, but you go a little deeper only to find the flaws. BOO HOOO...I suck at Blog-making! Never fear my friends as I have enlisted the help of a near-perfect Blogger to fix what's wrong (with my Blog). I hope she doesn't catch on to the near-perfect Blogger comment, she might tell me to DIY!!!

I don't have much time to write, I have an appointment at one... don't worry I have lots to tell you, and maybe by the time I add to my post the magical Blog fairy will have visited and fixed stuff, or maybe not, but in any case, I will be back...

That was quick huh? It is about four p.m. now , I got back a while ago and proceeded to read/comment on my blog-fixes, then go to mine to check on it...To my dismay the Magical Blog Fairies I alluded to earlier have not yet fixed my Blog links! Oh well guys, you'll just have to stay and read my ramblings... Speaking of which...

Is it just me, or does the following seem somehow wrong... First a brief history lesson, for those of you who don't know. Almost two years ago my Devilteen was removed from my care as I was caught up in a drug/alcohol addiction. She was in a foster home for a while and then was moved to a group home. Of course she hated it, and it broke my heart to not have her with me, but not enough to get clean (that took some time on my part). Eventually I was able to kick the demons out of my life and am now on the road to recovery, the thing is, I had to do it for ME, not Devilteen. At first all I could think of was getting her back (home), but as anyone in recovery can attest to, we have to find it in ourselves to get clean for US, or it all will be for naught.

I fought with Children's Aid, I lied to everyone that I had quit using, all the while thinking my outrage was justified, anyone who knew me also knew how much I loved my daughter... I gathered soldiers to fight on MY team. " Devilteen should be with you" they would tell me! "Children's Aid sucks the big hairy one" and of course " Everyone smokes dope and drinks, what's the big deal?" The BIG DEAL was that I am an alcoholic. I had been clean and sober for quite some time and then Devilchild became a teenager! As a single mom with one or two issues (LOL) I found it hard to cope with the new and improved Devilchild. I had taught her all her life that it was o.k. to say NO! to adults--- I guess she didn't get the unspoken part that was ---But NOT to your mother!!! We engaged in many a battle during those early years.... 'Going to school IS NOT optional unless you are bleeding to death or otherwise incapacitated. NO you cannot wear the Hoochie top to school, it is not in the dress code! You may not stay out until 10:00 at night just because your friends are doing it, and on and on.

The more I tried to set limits, the more she fought back. It got worse until I started not fighting with her to make her come home after school and chasing her down every single night. I thought I was doing the right thing, but in my heart I had given up, being a mom was hard work, and when the child has a strong personality and the mom lacks self-esteem....It was disasterous for everyone. So I did what every alcoholic does best, I started drinking again (for you earthlings this probably seems like pouring gas on a fire, but in my mind at the time, it made perfect sense). I didn't actually start with alcohol, first it was a little 'herb' here and there to calm me down, that way when Devilteen decided to come home for the night I wouldn't feel the need to scream at her or kill her and bury her in the garden! The weed eventually led me to alcohol, at first just a drink here and there, because I deserved to 'have a life' too. The child was out who knew where and I was not going to sit at home waiting for her, so I started partying with some friends(?). I know it's all good in theory, but the point is an alcoholic can NEVER safely drink.

In October of '04 I had started a new job, I loved it and was very good at it, but it was working in a bar, the job was not bar-work, but the Deli I worked in WAS in a bar... it wasn't a classy bar either. It was the kind of place that had been around for years, don't get me wrong, there were alot of great people there, but also some , shall I say, questionable types. I of course found myself drawn to the more questionable, like the ones who had cocaine and the ones who did smoke dope and very quickly found myself back in a life that I had worked so hard to crawl out of. To the detriment of my own self, but more so to the detriment of my beautiful daughter who had always been the priority in my life. And so the CAS was called and they took away my child and I didn't want to live anymore , but I could live without her as long as I had my booze and drugs, not a fair trade I know, but again at the time it made sense to me.

By March of '06 I was starting to realize that if I ever wanted to have my child live with me again, I would have to quit doing what I was doing. For me that included leaving the job that I loved so much because it just wasn't a good place for me to work. I tried to quit drinking and smoking, but it was just too much for me to fight on my own. Eventually I made a call which would help to save my life, I went to an intensive treatment program for drugs and alcohol. I finally got clean and sober on June 2 , 2006, and have been since then. So the unfairness of life is that...Devilteen could have come home at Christmas but wanted to finish out her school year where she was ( a town about an hour away from where I live). Of course I supported this decision, it did hurt but who wants to change schools in the middle of a school year? Way to go mommy!! I actually put my childs needs ahead of MY wants.

WE (being CAS, Devilteen and myself) decided that after school ended we could begin the re-integration process, that would mean that Devilteen could be 'home' by June or so. I could do that. I would be sober a year by that time. I could have a new job by then. We could both deal with the problems my relapse had caused and be on the road to healing by June. Yup, life was good after over two years of living apart my 'baby' was coming home.... Well I've asked this question before "What happens when an alcoholic makes plans?" You guessed it! Devilteen has other plans, of course, she IS the child of an alcoholic after all!!!

It would seem that in all of her not-yet-sixteen-wisdom that she may not WANT to come back home....WHAT??? Yes indeedy, there is such a thing as assisted living for children who have been in CAS care and are sixteen and over. A wonderful plan really- FOR ANYONE ELSE'S KID!!! But really, they set the child up in a rented place ,not really their own place, but more independance than in a group home. They give each child money for food and clothing, pay their rent, and if the child wants to, they will even pay for college. WHO MADE THIS PLAN UP??? I guess to a teenager this would seem like heaven on earth, no parents to account to, or tell them to do their (nasty) homework, no one to tell them what time to go to bed or what boy to not date. Yup, to an almost sixteen year old -um let's see go back to moms and moms rules and moms nagging OR go out on MY OWN with someone else paying the bills and No One to tell me to clean my room , tough choice, but sorry mom You Suck, and I'm practically grown now and....

OOOOFFFF, that my friends, is the sound of her fist hitting my gut! Devilteen dropped the wonderful little bomb on me at the beginning of this past weekend, she couldn't wait until the end of the weekend! Of course nothing has been decided for sure, she is just thinking about her options at this point...WHO THE HELL TOLD HER THAT SHE HAD CHOICES? Oh yeah, that would be ME. The woman who suffered through thirty hours of labour to deliver the child who didn't want to be born! She ended up being born by C-sec, 'cause she just wouldn't get out!!! I've gotten clean and sober (read for you), I am much better as a person (and a mother). Heck, I even totally re-decorated your bedroom in hot pink and black for you, and you might not WANT to come home?

I have been passing back and forth between deep sadness and anger and a bit of 'well, the NERVE of her!' I can't in all good conscience MAKE her come back, that would kind of defeat the purpose of teaching her to do what is right for her. I can't trade her in for a more compliant child ( the warranty has long since expired) , I can't kill her and bury her in the garden-the ground is still frozen... So I guess I have to accept whatever decision Devilteen makes and *GULP* be supportive of her. Boy it really sucks to be me sometimes! I will, of course, update you as more information becomes available. I may just have to make the best of it. I may just have to actually GET a new life including a new job and apartment . I may just have to survive the assault on my ego and move on. What a concept...acceptance of something I can not change! Well now that you are all caught up , I think I'll go have supper, I'm starving, and I actually don't feel like stuffing my face with chocolate ( will wonders never cease) See y'all later!!! ]

Before I forget...Yesterday was 15 months since I quit using cocaine...YAY ME!!!