STEP FOUR: MADE A SEARCHING AND FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY OF OURSELVES

It's kind of neat how my Higher Power is always working in my life! I had a somewhat difficult weekend, it was good in a lot of ways, in that I had yet another opportunity to learn about myself. It was difficult in that before I got to the growing part I had to hurt a little first! Quite typical in the life of an alcoholic, really. Some of us take a little longer to learn the lessons that we need to. I heard Oprah say once that when He sends us a message, He first throws a pebble to get our attention. If we don't get it He throws a rock. If we still don't get it He'll roll a boulder over us, and if that doesn't get our attention, we may just find a mountain on top of our house!!

That is what my life is often like! I'm just a little slower than average, as I've shared with you before. I've been struggling with some kind of bug that has invaded my body and refuses to leave, that being said, most 'earthlings' would take better care of themselves. You know like warm bubble baths or calling friends to remind them that they'll soon be well, generally just doing things that will make them feel better. For me, feeling better starts with going to my meetings. Feeling sick is not reason enough to miss one. A snow storm does not justify staying home. Not even the death of a loved one would be an acceptable reason to not hit a meeting, you probably think I'm nuts right? Well let me tell you why I'm not!

I have been reminiscing lately I guess. You see even though alot of bad shit happened as a result of my addictions, there is still a part of me that struggles to deal with life without using. Part of the reason I'm sure, is the fact that I will soon celebrate six months clean and sober. A miracle really, considering how far down into Hell I was this time last year. But I am not alone in that whenever something good happens in my life, I wait for the other shoe to drop, so-to-speak. If nothing terrible happens as a result of my success I will often do something to sabotage it myself. WHY? Because I am an alcoholic. And we all know what a horrible person I really am, and Lord knows that I don't deserve the good things in life that most 'earthlings' come to expect for themselves. And if you should happen to think maybe I am O.K. I would be terrified that you might find out that I really sport horns and a tail!

I know this all sounds totally messed up doesn't it ? But let me explain. A typical alcoholic uses to avoid feeling. If we're feeling bad we use to dull the pain, if we're feeling good we use to enhance the joy, basically, there is not a feeling that (in our minds) cannot be made 'better' with the application of massive quantities of alcohol. Alot of us live in constant fear, which of course is another great reason to drink, Fear of people, fear of places, fear of new things. Yes we are often chronically afflicted with fear. Just because we have given up our drug(s) of choice does not mean that our lives will instantly be transformed into " It's A Wonderful Life" mode. Nope, it seems the absense of alcohol means the beginning of feelings, just the stuff we worked so hard to avoid all of our lives.

At first sobriety brings a lot of gratitude into a life. The gratitude part is essential for recovery, it reminds us to not take for granted the many blessings in our life every single day. It will be heard again and again at meetings all over the world. We have to remember to be grateful for the chance at a new life that we have been given. And I truly am, it's just that I've been sick and feeling a little run down, and not going to as many meetings as I need to. As a result of this and my impending achievement, many of my character defects have been making an appearance in my daily life. It's like the pebble turned to mountain thing, in behavioral form, the worst of the lushgurl in living colour, and a pretty picture it was not!!!

So on Friday my plans with a friend were cancelled as I was 'ditched' for something better. So I felt hurt and rejected but instead of going out to a meeting, so that maybe I wouldn't stay in the hurt, I chose to stay home and feel miserable. On Saturday Devilteen and I had an arguement. Fairly normal when you are the parent of a teenager, but I ran with the anger and almost sent her back to 'the place where she lives today'. We made up and played some scrabble, and she kicked my ass, which reminded me what a loser I was, so I threw a hissy fit. Way to be mature MOM! For whatever reason at that moment I chose to check the time (thinking secretly in my mind that this weekend could not end soon enough for me). Well the strangest thing happened as I noticed it was just barely 7:00, it occured to me that I had not been to a meeting all week. Could it just be a coincidence that I am filled with envy and self pity and crabby to boot? WE THINK NOT!!!

Well the bottom line is that I got my ass to a meeting, with Devilteen in tow, and yet another surprise, the discussion that night was Step Four! So there you have it. I AM AN ALCOHOLIC AND MY NAME IS LUSHGURL! I believe that nothing in God's world happens by mistake, yes we are given free will to choose our path, but wherever we go, for better or worse, there are lessons to be learned. Today I am SO grateful to be an alcoholic because that means that I have a program to teach me how to live. Not just existing, I mean having a good life with people that truly care about me and a place to go (other than the liquor store) when I'm feeling somewhat uncomfortable in my own skin. I have what many before me never had the chance to experience... A clean and sober life, a chance at a better future and a Higher Power who loves me enough to show me the way to feel better. One Day At A Time. Thanks for listening!

I'M NEW TO THE WORLD OF BLOGGING!

I've been checking out different sites and have discovered how very little I actually know about this strange new world that I am not addicted to! For example, Maven has a flicker page- what the heck is it and how do you get it there? Jobthingy posts links to other Blog sites- Whassup wit dat? And I, as the newbie on the block, have the written word! No bells, no whistles, no pics to post (say THAT five times fast!). I'm a little jealous and disconcerted too! Here I am typing away at a miraculous twenty words a minute, immensely proud of my accomplishments, and there are some out there who are holding back on "flickering" and " linking" and how do you expect me to keep up with that?

Never-the-less I will continue doing what I'm doing until the Blog Police discover that I am hopelessy out of place here and send me off to the land of the Un-geek to do penance. I wonder just what that would include? Probably a manual of ' Computers Made Easy For Dummies'. And NO I have not read it. It's just that as I have shared before, I am a little slow figuring out what's hot and what's not, a little behind the times one might say. Okay, maybe not One, Millions! but who's counting? It's just kinda neat to write about what I know best and see it be published 'OUT THERE' for others to see.

I'm hoping that in my Blog travels, I might come across another newbie and we can exchange info on how to catch up with all you Jones's out there who actually know what you're doing!!
One day, you never know when, you may visit my Blog only to find it unrecognizable... I can see it now in the recesses of my imagination (you thought I was going to say brain didn't you!), Yeah I can see it now I'll have pictures of me and Devilteen the two cats and the budgie. I'll be able to link you to sites thatI have discovered, I'll be able to successfully send an e-mail the first time I type it! Hell I may even be nominated for a Nobel Prize! Stick around, it could get interesting!

You see I was probably raised in a different time than alot of you young'ens... When I was growing up my mom taught me a lot of really cool things that were essential to her when she was growing up, and I am very grateful to have many of those same qualities today. I can take a swatch of fabric and create something beautiful with it. Like all the Hallowe'en costumes I made for Devilteen when she was little. I can create amazing Barbie Doll Houses from cardboard boxes, left over fabric and construction paper. I can bake the most delicious treats from scratch(none of those boxed mixes for this gurly!). I like that I am creative in ways that many other women are not, I had a friend once who couldn't even sew on a button!.

My biggest problem is that I am so behind in today's world. When I do up my resume I almost feel like a fraud, selling ice to the Inuit! I'm sure I have many marketable skills, it's just tough trying to apply what I know and excel at in the world of technology. My last long term job I had(which I loved and was very good at), was as a Deli. Sure I made a mean Smoked Meat on Rye, and yeah customer's even came to see ME after I quit, but the dirty little secret I've been hiding is that I never learned how to use the cash register! I used to add up the items by hand, pressing only one key to access the taxes, and I used to count out change in my head, you know adding and subtracting like we learn in school! Cash registers now days are really just computer's tailored to the business they are used in. They have different keys for different items, the taxes and change are calculated automatically etc. . It's just a little intimidating for me is all I'm saying!

All this rambling is not for no reason, you may be wondering just what my point is, O.K. I'll tell you (it is so unbecoming for you to grovel like that!) The point I'm trying to make is that I am kinda scared about this whole job-hunting thing I have committed my self to. Ironically, with my fears, come yet another illness, coincidence-We think not! The truth is, I think, I am very good at many differnt things, but the idea of presenting myself to a potential employer and convincing him to hire me because I WILL be an asset to the company,is just a little overwhelming to me. Thank God I have my recovery group to go to tonight. And thank God I have friends to help me convince myself that I AM SOMEBODY SPECIAL...Oh sorry, wrong place for affirmations!

On that positive note, I will bid you au revoir maintenant(see I'm Bilingual too). I'll post more about this job-thingy (sorry JL had to borrow it!) as the information becomes available...Wish me LUCK!

AH, TO BE FIFTEEN...

Devilteen is upstairs chillin with a b-friend, in her room, the door is opened, I can hear them talking, I can check on them if I want to, they're not doing anything inappropriate... Wassup wit dat? I NEVER would have had a boy in MY room at that age! Come to think of it I never had a boy anywhere at that age ...The funny thing though is that I totally trust her wow! I guess it's kinda cool you know, because I trust her, she doesn't have to hide, and because she's not hiding I trust her.

I just wanted to do things differently than my parents did, not that they did bad, but I just knew in advance what to not even ask for...like having a boy come over to visit, let alone having a boy come to visit me in my room!! At least this boy, I'll call him Stringbean (he's very tall), is not afraid to come to Devilteen's house with the momma home and stuff. He even asked where to hang up his jacket when he got here! It's nice to know that all teenaged boys are not punks, some of them are polite and have manners and respect adults.

Unlike most of the kids who live in my neighborhood, this kid actually GOES to school. He has two parents living in the same house. He doesn't smoke dope! The kids around here can be found, most nights(and days for that matter) hanging around the covered parking lot with a case of beer passing around their doobies like it's a perfectly natural thing to do. I sure am glad that Devilteen is not that kind of kid! Once upon a time Devilteen might have been that kind of kid, but since she's been living 'away' she really has seemed to have matured.

I am SO proud of the young lady that she is becoming, right before my eyes, and seemingly overnight, she seems to have been transformed from an angry ,self-centered teenager into a wonderful person. Don't get me wrong, she was never a 'bad' kid but I was pretty messed up myself for a while and so, of course, she acted out. You know strange as it may seem, Devilteen decided to make the changes in her by herself. I didn't have to nag or beg or threaten or anything equally uncomfortable as that. She just decided one day to do something more with her life! Go figure, I must have done something right after all!

It reallly can be a tough world out there, at the very least I always tried to give Debaby choices. As she got a little older sometimes she would not make great choices, but if it was not life threatening or anything I would let her go ahead, and sometimes, when there were consequences, Devilteen would even learn from her mistakes! If you don't do homework, and you skip school and smoke dope, you will probably not pass your grade. If you show up at school do a moderate amount of homework, and don't get into serious trouble then you may actually graduate and have a chance at a life.

I've learned in my advancing years, that you just can't MAKE a kid do something, sometimes as a parent all we can do is instill good values and teach them self-respect and let them venture forth into the world knowing that they are truly loved and that we will always be there for them, no matter what! I think I have done that. Of course niether one of us is done 'growin up' yet we are both still works-in-progress, but so far I think we're turning out not too badly!

I made a desision the other day to be more patient and tolerant, just generally to be the kind of person that even I would want to be around. I tell ya though, it ain't easy sometimes! I had to remind myself several times today to calm down. For example when Devilteen and I were out shopping, we were waiting in a line at the check outs and there were lots of people and only two cashiers... OH MY GOD... breathe lushgurl, set a good example for the child. Don't throw a hissy fit just because the dumb store staff don't consider twenty people in a line up to be cause to open a third cash! You see it's all in how we react to a situation. Had I let my impatience get the better of me I'm sure I may have caused a scene hence embarrassing my self and my child and making it very difficult to return to that store again. I didn't lose it totaaly though, Iheard myself complaining and made a decision to stop. Who knew it could be so simple?

Ultimately though I know I did the right thing. I don't have to hide my face in shame. I'm not afraid to show my face in the store again and I left feeling o.k. and nat stark raving mad and in the throes of a full panic attack. Whew, I passed shopping test number one, I may just give it another try someday soon! All in all Devilteen and I are having a great weekend together , she even told me that she had fun with me today, music to a mothers ears. I think I'll keep her!!!

I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUSE!

It seems as if I'm not the only one thinking about Christmas right now. I vary between Bah Humbug mode and Oh Boy I can't wait! I really look forward to the decorating part, I also love baking. I usually make a wide assortment of totally sinful non-nutritious delicacies and wrap them in pretty bags and stuff and give them as gifts. Funny how something so simple as 'homemade' goodies bring such joy to friends and family alike. Although this a very time consuming task, I thoroughly enjoy the making, decorating and the giving parts, and lets not forget the eating too!

I really hope I will be able to just have fun this year and not allow myself to get all stressed out like I have in the past. I think that will be my end of year resolution... to remain calm in the face of the Holidays. Anyone else up for the challenge? It would be wonderful to have people wandering around humming Christmas Carols instead of running each other down trying to get the last whatever-it-was-the-child-asked-Santa-for-Christmas. What a different season we'd all have if we took the time to wish those we met tidings of good cheer instead of flipping them the finger when they cut us off in traffic. Let's give gigantic kudos to all the shop employees who put up with the ranting, impatient parents who leave their buying til the last minute.

My goal is to stay cheerful and polite throughout the season and pray for the people who just don't 'get it'. Seeing as we have but one chance to make a first impression let's all do our best to leave those we deal with feeling good about meeting us instead of cursing under their breath and hoping we don't come back! If only I were the ruler of the world, I would mandate such behaviors penalizing those who Grinch their way through life making sure all in their path are left feeling miserable. I would force these killjoys to spend a day alone in a room with only the piped in sounds of THE CHIPMUNKS CHRISTMAS CAROLS to keep them company!

Yup, I'm psyched for the Holidays alright ! The very best part for me is the fact that I will spend the holidays with Devilteen, I didn't get to see her until January last year, because I was messed up with my addictions. This year not only am I clean and sober but my child actually wants to be with me. That is definately the best gift for any parent to receive ( I'm not saying I won't accept presents though!) We'll get to decorate the tree and go shopping and do some baking and hopefully not want to kill each other aftr all is said and done.

I've even made comittments to other people already- I have volunteered to help out at the A.A. alcothon. Who is this person and where did the grumpy lushgurl go? Honestly though, For once I just want to be happy and be able to create memories that I can, but also want to remember. Things sure have changed from this time last year that's for sure. I will now take a quick tour down the hallowed halls of yesterday to remind me of how far I've come... I was working six days a week and drinking seven. The only contact I had with others was at my job, which I loved, but it enabled me to operate in a fuzz. My nights were spent drinking until I ran out or passed out, whichever came first. I hated me/ I worked to pass the days and drank to pass the nights, just me, no friends, no family around. I am very grateful to have the chance at a new life today.

Well I hope I haven't depressed anyone today, it's just really important to always remember where I came from so that I won't feel the need to go back there again. Anyway the whole point of my ramblings this eve was to share in the spirit of the holidays so won't you all join me in this rendition of an old favorite...

WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS

WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS

WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS

AND A LOT OF GOOD CHEER!!!

I KNOW YOU MISSED ME ... SO I'M BACK!

I haven't posted for a while because I've been busy taking down all the un-decorations left over from my pity party! Yup I had a wopper of one, too bad you had to miss it! Of course it would not have been appropriate to have invited you, after all it was pretty crowded here. Let's see- the honoured guests included me, myself and of course I , oh and let's not forget the shitty committee who resides in my "own little world". There was an abundance of junk food, WHINE and some 'cheesy' conversation! Nobody heard a word that was said because we were all too self-absorbed.

Thank God that's over!!! Is it just me or does the impending season of merriment bring out the worst in others too? It's not that I'm a grinch or anything, it just stresses me out so much that I kinda want to hibernate until all the good cheer and other happy crap has passed. I haven't been working for about nine months now so I don't have an abundance of cash to "keep up with the Jones' ". I know everyone always says it's not about the gifts, but let's face it, who doesn't like to receive a few Christmas prizes?

At least Devilteen is a little older now, I don't have to keep up the illusion of Santa anymore, talk about a relief! She was never one of those kids who asked for everything and then some, that was never the problem. My mother's guilt was usually what did me in! You know, I couldn't always afford much but still felt the pressure to GIVE. And of course throw in a few disfunctional family members and you have a whole new ball of uncomfortable situations to deal with. There's the obligatory 'family dinner' we all love so much. I love the turkey and stuffing part , but there are times I would love to stuff it all you-know-where! And I have two wonderful nieces that I only get to see at the Holidays, so I feel the need to buy their love in case thay have heard horror stories (about me) during the rest of the year.

Now that I am feeling better, I am actively looking for a job. I think that will help me immensely, all the malls are so decked out and cheery, it's bound to rub off on me. Of course if I do get to work in a mall, I'll also receive the fringe benefit of watching all the harried moms and dads rushing around frantically trying to fulfil their obligations before the dreaded day arrives! I'll have extra cash too which I will enjoy spending as soon as it lands in my hot little hand so I won't feel the wrath of guilt when the throngs of friends and admirers I have shower me with gifties, I'll actually be able to shower me too!!!

Come to think of it I guess I am kinda looking forward to the holidays, I've already changed my outgoing message on my phone and soon I will drag out all my decorations to put up. Heck I may even splurge on a Christmas C.D. . It may be an o.k. season after all!

So as a courtesy to all of my loyal readers I have decided to post my 'Christmas Wish List' early. No, no you don't have to thank me, that is just the kind of gurl I am, always thinking of others, my sole objective being to make YOUR life easier! Get ready, here it is...

I would like any of the followig to put under my tree this year(anything you don't get me this year, you can always give me next year)

1. A Mustang rag top (not necessarily brand new, last years' model is also acceptable)

2. A gift certificate for a week at a spa-You can choose the location, of course Arizona or California would be awesome!

3. A full C.D. library including some of my all time favorites like Elton John, The Beatles, Razorback, The Tragically Hip, Shania, Madonna, Cold Play, Bon Jovi( I'll post more choices as I think of them)

4. A diamond solitaire ring (VSI is o.k. with me, no bigger than 1/2 carat though, cause I have small hands

5. I've always wanted to go to N.Y.C. for a wardrobe shopping spree!

6. A man would also be a pleasant surprise (a mute man would be even better, oh and I like 'em young and trainable)

6. Chocolate is never turned down in my house

7. Real perfume, you know, the kind you have to ask them to get for you

8. A beautiful wall calendar to fit in my frame

9. Maybe a day of pampering at one of our finer salon's

10. I'll leave this one blank, you can chose a gift for me yourself!

Happy Shopping!!!

WHERE DID THE WEEK GO?

Wow I can't believe that Friday is almost upon us! Is it just me or does it seem that the older we get the faster time flies? I remember when I was little waiting for my birthday or Christmas to come, the time passed so slowly, I thought I would die of anticipation. These days it just seems like I finally catch up on the day of the week and then there it is gone!!! I was sick earlier in the week and the time seemed to freeze, but now that I'm feeling better, with energy to do stuff, there doesn't seem to be the time to get stuff done!

Of course this computer does not help the time pass more slowly either. I just sit down ( I think) and all of a sudden hours have past! I did get some productive things accomplished today though. I've done some laundry, I took the garbage out and I vaccuumed my place, oh and I cleaned out the bird cage too. Does it sound to you like I'm trying to justify something? Does it sound like maybe I feel guilty or what? Very perceptive!!! In reality, I don't know how I managed to get anything done, I've been so busy playing free-on-line computer games!

Yes I confess. I am not only a Blogaholic, but I have found myself spending hours playing computer games. I've heard of people who have serious addictions to the internet, I wonder if the free-on-line games count? It's not like I'm visiting porn sites or anything, and I don't feel that I'm neglecting housework or other things. But still, it feels like a guilty pleasure somehow. I need to get a life! Maybe a job or something.

I shared this dilemma with a friend of mine not that long ago. It was shortly after I had received my new computer with it's big beautiful screen and all kinds of neat features that I didn't have before. I found myself actually avoiding things and people so that I could "play". The hope was that the novelty would wear off at some point, but this week has been a blur! Thank God I have my meeting tomorrow night, it's a commitment I have made to myself and others and it will give me a chance to venture out into the world of humans once again.

Another reason I am looking forward to tomorrow, well there are actually several reasons- I get to spend yet another weekend with Devilteen. Sounds a little crazy huh? but I actually miss her when she's not here, we have been doing things together lately, like playing scrabble and going out for walks together, all the things that kind of got neglected when I was still using. Tomorrow I get to meet a new friend in person too. Funny that I find that exciting, I used to panic at the thought of 'having' to meet someone new, maybe I am actually being transformed into a reasonable facsimile of a normal person. Oh and of course we mustn't forget getting to see The Baby! and his momma, of course. I will be able to hold him and cuddle him and then send him home until the next time I get baby fever! It's ALL good.

As much as I enjoy my alone time, it can be very dangerous for me too. It's like slipping back into old patterns for me, you know, I leave the house long enough to get junk food. I play my games, not answering the phone and not making plans...kind of reminds me of the 'old' days of drinking and using. The good news though is that I crave the company of others today. I don't like having too much alone time and I try to get out for a walk and some fresh air several times a week even if I have nowhere to go (the liquor store was always a destination before). I think I am kinda looking forward to working again too, it'll break the monotony of so many hours with nothing to do. On that note, I will say good night for now, and go do some homework for my therapist, I'm going surfing for some career ideas wish me luck!

ANOTHER DAY IN THE UN-LIFE!

I think that today it is time to let you know how yosickmomma came to be. Not the person, the name! I was trying to decide a name for my e-mail. I used to write Devilteen little notes all the time, in her lunches, tucked in her bed at night(pillow-tuckies, they were called), and of course the obligatory note I would leave for her if I would not be home when she decided to return from school (more about that at a later date). At long last the point- I called myself 'Yomomma' so she would know it was me and not someone elses momma who was leaving her these notes all over the place! The 'sick' part came later when I decided to attempt to be cool. All the cool people know that when something is 'sick' that is a good thing, right? Like ah, when they say um, "Did you see the new guy in school today? He's like totally SICK!" Meaning HOTT not COOL like I used to say, oh I still say it, anyway, I'm just trying to fit in in this scary world of new language!!

So I tuned into my new addiction today- reading - commenting-posting on Blogs, and I realized that I didn't post yesterday. Horror of horrors the Blogging world did not come to a screeching halt without my assorted ramblings of wisdom? I actually have a really good reason for not posting yesterday, Yosickmomma is sick!!! No I don't mean that in the cool, Hott, good way, I mean literally sick! Why is it that when anyone else in the family is sick that the world as we know it begins to spin around them, But when the momma is sick life pretty much continues as normal( I use that term loosely).

It really sucks to be sick in yomommas world. Take yesterday for example- I'm lying on the couch with my box of Kleenex waiting for the Y&R to start when the cable goes out! I turn to whine to someone but no one is there! I've cancelled my appointments for the day, have not taken any phonecalls and NOW the cable goes out??? Whassup wit dat?---notice the attempt at cool! I then proceeded to the computer to check in on my Blogerellas only to find that one has not yet posted and I cannot comment on the other one's Blog...What else can go wrong today? Suffice it to say that it reaally just sucks to be sick in my world! I know that if Devilteen had been here there is a possibilty that she would have noticed the red runny nose, the watery eyes, the pathetic glazed way they tried to focus an her face- NO I AM NOT DRINKING AGAIN! Maybe if I had answered the phone I would have found a sympathetic friend on the line but NOOO ,not me I have to suffer in silence all by self! My two cats and my budgie don't care about my impending death either as long as they have been fed!

So today I get up hoping to have a better day when I am mortified to find tha Fourbucks re-introduced their Holiday flavour! This information was gleaned from another Blog of a soon-to-be-new-friend. This news disturbed me for a number of reasons 1) That on the day that I was sick, they've brought out this celebratory yumminess, 2) That I was not notified previous to said coming out, and 3) That I have never even tasted the concoction! Yup you guessed it,I totally missed the boat on another of today's up and coming cool-maker's! Not only have I never tried this recipe, but 'going' out for a coffee is actually a treat for me! One time the Maven actually took me into one of these pay-too-much-to-take-it-home-with-you places and I practically had an anxiety attack! Maven confidenly ordered her usual half-caf-soy-double-cream-latte-hold-the-whip, thenturned to me and said "what would you like". I know it was a set-up, her and Devilteen have secret alliance to finally show me that I am not now, nor will I ever reach their level of coolness!

As further proof of this (alleged) alliance I offer into evidence exhibit #2... Later that night Maven and Devilteen were surfing different sites, they were giggling away together, trading secret infomation about various videos and songs that they knew I had never heard of using words and phrases they knew I didn't understand. Every once in a while they would remember that I was there and start speaking un-greek! And when did it become o.k. to get along with your mother's friends??? Help I have fallen into the land of may-never-be-cool and my child and best friend are laughing hysterically at my misery!

Well now my fine feathered friends, and others, I must off for the day, I think I will go check the messages on my phone. There may actually be a message from someone who loves me in a language that even I can understand! So until we post again...See ya...Lushgurl out! See, I can be cool!

PANDORA OF THE BLOG WORLD

Yes indeedy, the box has been opened and out have come the Pandora's of the Blogging world. All very innocent in it's conception I'm sure, but who'd a thunk so many people would jump on the bandwagon?

I'm not embarrassed to share my age at all, that being said, I will now set the Women's Liberation movement back about forty years... When I was in high school I remember these computer rooms and everyone talking about the new and exciting world that was just around the corner! Well, I had absolutely no interest in these huge noisy machines with their little cards with the funny little holes punched in them! I totally did not get what all the hype was about for a number of reasons...1) How could these big ol' things possibly change life as we knew it? 2) I failed grade nine typing! and 3) When I grew up I was going to marry the man of my dreams and be a stay-at-home-mom and bake cookies like my mom did!!!

Suffice it to say that it is possible, just slightly possible that I may have (allegedely) been a little uh, misguided! OKAY! I'll admit it just this once- I was wrong! Shudder. That didn't feel great at all! I dunno if I'm just an old-fashioned gurl or what but all these technology things seem to be the very bain of my existance. I know all this stuff was solely designed to make our lives easier, it just seems to me that we all were doing fine before ( read I'm so lost today).

Does anybody out there remember when you actually had to be at home to receive a phone call? Do you remember when one actually had to peel one's generous rump off of the sofa in order to change the t.v. channel? And how's about the good old days when we actually used an oven to prepare the family dinner? Is it just me or has the whole world gone (technology) crazy ? Don't answer that if the answer is that I'm the one who has gone crazy!! The world just moves so fast today is all I'm saying.

I'm a little behind the times? I know that is what you all are thinking. I know that is definately what Deviltten tells me on a daily basis " mom" she says ever so innocently, " Tell me what it was like in the OLD days!" Refer back to my original posting to see how very un-cool I really am! "Okay my Devilchild, In the old days we used to go out to see a movie in the theatre"! "What? no D.V.D.?" she enquires incredulous. " No my love, and we had record players and record albums and no MP3 players!!" Imagine what today's children would do back in 'the old days'. How would they survive without cell phones and I-Pod nanos and of course the X box (do they even still have the Xbox?

So yeah I guess I am just a little outdated, I don' t have a flip phone or caller I.D. on my 'land-line'. I never did buy my child a nintendo and until recently we didn't own a microwave!! But this computer Blogging thing seems to have caught my attention. You just never know , huh? Oh and by the way, I'm not the only one who seems to have been swept up in this phenomina, on tonight's "Corner Gas", Hank had a Blog, so maybe I am cool after all!

With all the amazing new gadgets they have today, tell me, if you will, why hasn't anyone come up with something really useful? For example, I would love to have one of those air brushing thi ngy's they use in the magazines to erase wrinkles and grey hairs and take about twenty pounds off with the push of a button! I'd like the use at home version though, so that before I left the house I could do a little touch-up on myself! And hey wouldn't it be great to have a do-it-yourself version of lipo? That way I could continue to eat chocolate and not worry about where the "end" results would land!

You know I may just be onto something here. So if you don't see my postings anymore it could be that I've been discovered as the next great inventor of the twenty first century, or that they've carted me off to the new and improved Royal Ottawa Hospital for Mental Health!!! Ciau for now my friends!

FIRST POSTING PUBLISHED, WHO SAID MISSION IMPOSSIBLE?

Well it seems that I have successfully published my very first Blog. I dunno about you, but it seemed like an awful lot of work just to get a few comments! Don't get me wrong, I love the adulation, quite frankly it may be worth it on the days when life seems gloomy and dull. I'm just not sure if I have created a monster with this thing...

Let's take a look at the situation here, a single mom staying up til all hours of the night typing away trying to put her life in perspective. A) She doesn't actually have a life to perspect. B) She must be very lonely. C) Does anybody really care? We think not!!!

But never-the-less I shall faithfully post once again because, dammit, it just feels good! As I may have mentioned, I am one of those people who usually goes for the quick fix. Maybe, just maybe this will be a test of my patience. Maybe I will learn that good things come to those who wait. Or maybe I'll just go totally insane checking my Blog every half hour, the anticipation creating the slightest amount of perspiration on my brow. But what if nobody has read me that day, then what will I do?

I don't actually think I would experience the D.T.'s or anything , but I have been known to throw the odd tantrum now and again. In the deepest part of my psyche, I suppose that I may think I am special, that would explain my need for recognition (in anyone else's world) of every little victory. Case in point: I just recently achieved five months clean and sober. At the meetings I attend we are given tokens for our sobriety, we have the desire to stop drinking, then one month, two month, three month and WHAT? six month. Hey, wait a minute, what happened to four and five?Yeah, yeah, I know there is a six month but I want the applause NOW!!! So I got a three and a one and taped them together for my four months, then a two and a three for my five months, but somehow it just didn't feel the same. After all I was the only one there and honestly it did feel a little silly getting up and presenting it to myself and when I applauded, well let's not even go there!

As I search back to find out where it was that I got this way it would appear as if I am actually at fault...For example, when Devilteen was born (no she didn't come out as Devilteen ) we'll call her Debaby for the purpose of this analogy. Anyway after thirty hours of labour followed by a c-sec, clearly she was THE most beautiful baby ever born. I know what you are thinking here, that everyone believes that about their own child. But wait, there's more! ALL of the nurses would comment on her unique beauty too. And just when you thought it was too good to be true, there's still more!! Even new father's of other babies would say how beautiful Debaby was! Note to new father's, NEVER comment on the beauty of another womans' baby if you value your, um, bits!!!

When I would take Debaby out for a walk in her stroller people would constantly come up to me to Adore Her. At Debaby's baptism, when the Priest intoduced Her to Her congregation,Debaby raised her tiny little hand and graced them with a Royal wave and a simple"HI!" I kid you not!!! As Debaby got a little older (I am a firm believer that children respond better to praise than critisim) I as the attentive mom (read accomodating), would comment allthe time on her wondrous accomplishments. When we were potty training (Debaby, not me) and she would tinkle in her little throne, I would gleefully cry "YAY!" and clap my hands. If we happened to have a guest and Debaby would perform a #2. all of us would be required to attend the performance and deliver a hearty round of applause!

I guess the point I am trying to make is, that I know longer feel the joy vicariously through my child, I am at a point in my life where I want a liitle recognition for MY own accomplishments. Don't get me wrong I still absolutely believe that I did the best I could to prepare Devilteen for the cruel, cruel world she is soon to be thrust out in, I just want some of it for me now! Is that so wrong? We think not!

So in closing I would like to give a quick shout out to those of you out there who will read and comment (read praise) on my humble postings...HOLLA! I appreciate you taking time out of your busy day to (love) me!!! No doubt I will return with another edition of "This Too Could Be Your Life" Later dudettes!

I HAVE ARRIVED!

Well, at long last, here I am for all you blogaholics to see! I had an e-mail from a soon to be friend who apparently has been waiting for me to begin posting. The thing is, as I mentioned in my profile, I am not exactly a computer geek(yet). Although like some of my friends,I am pretty close to perfection, I am a little slow at learning computer stuff!
If ever one needs a reality check, have a child. Preferably a teenaged girl! As I type away at what I consider to be a reasonable (albeit slow) pace, Devilteen can be found rotflhao!!! I hope I got that right because I don't want to give her any more ammunition to explain how uncool I am.
I'm not quite sure when I left the land of cool, I just know that I have found myself here, I've fallen(in) and I can't get up(out).In my day(Oh Gawd I sound like my mother!),I fancied myself to be quite the "MissThang" and with one fell swoop, all the coolness about me was disintegrated just like the Zuma balls!In case you are not aware, Zuma is a free on-line game that I am not addicted to!
I came across said game quite by accident one night when I was attempting to post a comment on my g-friends' blog. As I painfully tapped out the witty retort to her daily entry I had no idea how difficult the posting part would turn out to be.I could not recall my user name(Devilteen had set everything up for me)then I could not remember what my e-mail address was. Well as a recovering addict, I did what came naturally, I turned to something to take me out of myself and give me that quick fix we all know and love so much!
I think all this occurred about a week ago or so, I'm not exactly sure because I may have lost a few days along the way!! So into the land of more gray hairs I plummeted. The rest is all kind of blurry, but I tell you, it has been a very short week! I've been walking around in a slightly hungoverish kind of state, you know, not getting enough sleep, binging on chocolate while I attempt to beat the apparently unbeatable Zuma game...%