Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholics. A burst of temper could spoil a day, and a well nursed grudge could make us miserably ineffective. Nor were we ever skillful in separating justified from unjustified anger. Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely. These "dry benders" often led straight to the bottle.
Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism, furious power-driven argument, sulking, and silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. We can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.
And when I read this earlier today, I knew I was going to have to start thinking and dealing about anger. Not only my own anger, and I'm not saying it is never a problem, but I'm talking about AAngels' anger. No one, it seems is better at pushing my buttons than she is, however with much patience and practice, I am learning to not react with my mouth before I have given my brains a chance to weigh in on the situation. One of the tools I had learned in a parenting course, was to literally bite my tongue and count to ten before talking. Another tool was to just walk away and not to respond to outbursts from my child, so as not to escalate the situation. For the most part these things work well, and in most cases, when I do not engage or react, AAngel will calm down, and we can continue to have a good day.
Most of our visit went well this time, but it did not end on a good note. Often when AAngel does not get her own way, she will throw a fit, and that was the case just before she left this time. I stood my ground and didn't give in to her angry behaviour, and as per usual, she became even more angry, and went for the jugular. Knowing me the way she does, AAngel knows that resorting to insults and name calling really hurt me, so that is exactly what she did. Her parting words were angry and hurtful, and we haven't spoken since because she has gone camping with the group home. I have always told her I loved her before either one of us has gone anywhere, I've always said that just in case we never saw each other again, that the last memories would be of love and not bad feelings. this time, it was all I could do to restrain myself from throwing her and her stuff out the door, when the staff came to pick her up.
The anger that AAngel has needs to be resolved, but I am at a loss how to help her. She absolutely refuses to go to counselling, and although I am registered for another parenting course (specifically parenting teens) it does not start until September. I am afraid of these outbursts, and the thought of them occurring more frequently when she moves back home. My usual way in dealing with someone elses anger is to withdraw or to hurt myself, and neither one of these behaviours are going to be helpful when AAngel is here full time again. So for today I am sleeping and eating chocolate, oh, and talking about my feelings so that they will not take over everything. Wish me luck, and a prayer or two wouldn't hurt either! So see ya for now, and before I forget...
HAPPY 4th of JULY to all of my American friends!
8 comments:
I love the fireworks, that is cool, thank you from one of your American friends. Feel it, get thru it. Remember the saying, "We hurt the ones we love the most". It is so true, because we know we are loved, & therefore feel safe enough to let our anger out, & we direct on those people who love us. At least she's not getting into trouble, is she? Just know that by doing this, she is working thru her anger, & sorting things out. She will have time to think about what she said to you, & regret it, I'm sure.
You are very strong, & a loving parent, by not reacting, you are setting an example. Some day, she will get it, & learn to commicate in a more positive way. I think that is so awesome you have taken parenting classes, & are taking more. You really do care. Hopefully she'll have worked thru her anger by the time she moves back in with you.
Good luck, you lovable person you.
Love you, Sharon
Lush..I can relate to your daughters anger.My 18 year old has lots of his own too and that is exactly how I see it.It is his own.
I am learning to listen rather that trying to save him anymore pain.I think that is part of us letting our kids go and grow Lush..
I know it's tough..!!
We have to remember to keep taking good care of ourselves..that way our kids will have relatively wise parents to turn to whenever THEY need or want to..lol
Big hugs to you :)
I remember one time when my daughter was 15 - she was angry and left home - to run away. I quickly walked to the front door and bolted it - after she left. I will never forget what that felt like. In that moment, I never wanted to see her again.
It is hard. You will be OK. Just be gentle with yourself.
As you can see from the above comments, so many of us understand what you are going thru.I think our children know how to push our buttons, because they installed them. Just do what you can on "this day". I know that there are many layers to your pain...the hardest being...knowing that her anger is about "HER PAIN" and you as a Mother not being able to fix it. We are all here for you darlin' ...keep writting it down...you are not alone.
Hey, no advice, just hugs. I was so much like AAngel as a teen before I sobered up. Thankfully I had the opportunity to learn new coping skills once I entered the program. My mother dealt with some very nasty words and some raging fits beforehand.
I know my teens are going to more than make me pay for what I did. Genetics are such a beautiful thing *grumble*
See Friday *hugs*
yikes I need that it is so hard sometimes..
I don't have children, but I see this all the time in those that do. It is a hard place to be, and it seems to me that this part of the relationship is unavoidable. So parents must learn what is best in their situation. I really think AlAnon would serve me if I were a parent.
You will figure it out and AAngel will grow up despite your best intentions. Loving her now and letting her be herself is so valuable to her future.
remember she is spending her time apart replaying her awful behavior in her head. maybe she will have a small moment of clarity.....it is her growth, her pain, her path...you just keep loving her mamma! And of course keep health boundaries to take care of yourself. HUGS!
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