IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL...

Very cliche I know, but it has become increasingly apparent to me that we do indeed have more in common than I first suspected. Take for example last night. Well it actually started a week ago, well technically I could go back ten years. Never mind, I'll start with last week!

In my program of recovery one of the suggestions is that we get ourselves a sponsor. This person is supposed to obtain characteristics that we desire in ourselves. It's kind of like a mentoring thing of sorts. It is suggested that a sponsor have more sobriety than us, the kind of life that we would like, this varies from person to person, but generally falls under the category of"...if you have decided you want what we have..." . I had asked someone to be my sponsor around my first month. At first it was just a temporary thing, but I really liked this woman. She had 3 1/2 years in recovery and seemed to have a full life that included friends, a job, her children and ( important to me) serenity. So all was well for a time. The thing is though that this is not my first time in recovery, so I had ' been around' considerably longer than my sponsor, which is not always a bad thing. In my many years of not-recovery, many character defects of mine had reared their ugly heads, so I decided that what I had done before did not work and if I were to stay sober this time I needed to do something differently.

So I really loved the sponsor that I had chosen , she had been there a few times that I really needed help to get me through some rough patches. I called her just about everyday ( my way of being accountable), and she called me back frequently. The thing is that when early in recovery, I have found that I need a lot of support, in the sense that if I'm having a good day, it's not so hard to pick up the phone and reach out. Ah, but it's the not-so-good-days that have sent many an alcoholic out scrambling for something to take away the (many) uncomfortable feelings that come when the fog lifts, so to say. Our relationship was good for a time, but then I hit a bit of a rough patch. I continued to make my 'check in calls', but often would just get the answering machine. I would leave messages, but usually just say that everything was o.k. no matter how I was really feeling. As time went on though, my phone messages were not always returned as quickly as I would have liked. I realize that life gets in the way sometimes, but often it would be a couple of weeks before I heard back from my sponsor, and this is dangerous for me in recovery.

I was lucky that I had been around for a while though because I did start to connect with more people in the program developing a network of support that is so crucial to my continued sobriety. I found myself kind of sponsorless as time went by and over this past holiday, I didn't make or receive even one phone call from my sponsor. Well in the past this isolation and (seeming) rejection could have easily sent me scrambling for a quick fix. Luckily I had built a support system around me so that I didn't have to get through the tough times alone. One thing that I have come to know about me is that I need someone to call me on my crap, because I don't always see stuff while it is happening. For example if I don't check in with my sponsor for a bit, I need someone who will call ME and say "Is your finger broken?" I need a stronger person than I am to tell me I am messing stuff up if that is what is happening. If someone asks me "How are You?" and I say "Fine!" I need them to remind me that F-I-N-E means fucked-up-insecure-neurotic and emotional. Left to my own devices and character defects, I will surely drink again!

I had begun window shopping fo a new sponsor a couple of months ago. Ideally (for me) this person would be someone I saw on a fairly regular basis at meetings. I was also looking for someone who had not only more sobriety than I, but also more life experience (read older!). A few weeks ago, while I was indulging in a mini pity-party (Devilteen had decided to cut our weekend together short as she had made plans with HER FRIENDS hmph- how dare she!!!) Anyway while I was stuck in the poor-mes, my child would rather hang wit the g-friends than with the woman who gave birth to her and loves her more than anyone, this woman in my home group said "It's not always about YOU, you know!!!" OUCH! Boy that was a short sweet poor me indulgance! I was kind of thinking that maybe the world did in fact revolve around me and my needs and my feelings... I repeat- OUCH! Being a little slow at times, it took me about another week to realize that this woman was not going to let me manipulate her into attending my pity party with me. In one fell swoop, she had made me realize that I AM NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD talk about a reality check. Any sympathy at that point (although well meaning) would have given me permission to stay in the sad , sad place where my own kid didn't love me, and I might have been sunk!!

Suffice it to say that today I have a new sponsor. I asked her last week after our Friday night meeting and she said YES! I know HER sponsor who has been around for a few 24 hours (that would be my grand-sponsor) and I see this woman weekly at our group so keeping in touch will not be as challenging. We've decided to meet every week or two before the meeting to touch base and this week SHE called ME to set up our meeting! So let's tally up the votes here 1) She calls me on my shit 2) She calls me to set up a meeting if I haven't called her and 3) She just happens to be the landlord of the man who I thought was THE ONE and broke my heart not once, not twice but three times!!! ( this would be the small world factor that I alluded to in my opening). So in the line of thought that says nothing happens in His world by accident do you think lushgurl has a new sponsor today? Ding, ding, ding tell the lovely lady what she has won! Yup it seems that I do have a new sponsor and we are talking about life and how it relates to the program and I know that she will help me to be accountable, so all in all, I think a good match. More will be revealed... Bye for now loyal followers!