A WEEKEND WITHOUT DEVILTEEN

After much discussion back and forth (read negotiating, arguing et al.) WE decided to have a separate weekend from each other. At first I was a little hurt that she actually chose not to see the mommy, that was quickly followed by anger -WHAT DO YA MEAN YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THE MOMMY?, and quickly followed by Whew! she doesn't want to see the mommy!!! It's just been a kind of rough week for me is all. I am trying really hard to do what is right for me. Along with every self-caring decision that I make I am barraged by the 'shitty committe' in my head who tell me "ooooh don't do that you might feel better, we all know that you, evil person. do not deserve to feel good". Of course there is the dreaded G-files in there too "What kind of a mother are you, not wanting your child with you on the weekend?" As if this all wasn't enough the sleeping addict has these words of wisdom for me "HEY... if SHE"S not here you could go and use, no one would know, it'll be our little secret, just one time, that would be ok..." Do any of you out there still wonder WHY I am a little, shall we say...F...D UP at times?!!!

Yup, ther is never a dull moment inside of Lushgurls head! I guess I may always have to fight the inner demons that reside in my head, but some days are better ( worse) than others. On Friday night I attend my home group of AA, but Friday Devilteen and me had a fight. I called a very wise friend who talked me through and kept me awake so I couldn't sleep through the sadness (bad bad friend!) . But alas, she also was dumping me for the night, how dare her and the spawn have colds and not feel well? I had planned to go to my meeting all by self, so I made something to eat that actually involved cooking ( kind of, it was a bagel with creme cheese and cinnamon), but then I still had a couple of hours to myself so I decided to have just a short nap....At eight p.m. I woke up, coincidence? we think not!! I COULD have gone to my meeting, after all they WOULD have started without me as I am NOT that important. But NOOO not me I chose to stay home (and the shitty committee scores a hit).

Just after nine the phone rings...it seems the Maven and her Spawn had miraculous recoveries and she went to the meeting with a coffee for yours truly, who was snoring away on her couch. The indignity of it all!! Not only did I miss my meeting, but I also missed my friend and her baby and more importantly the free coffee that I would have been given...Two points for the shitty committee! It seems that in my world, when I indulge in the poor me's I am in bad company. The potentially free coffee was the last straw though as I didn't have any milk here to make my own, and to add insult to injury, the coffee was given away to someone else who WAS at the meeting! If only I had known what I didn't know...

Well Saturday morning I was up early and decided to give Devilteen another chance at visiting. We spoke at ten and she said she would call back, but yes she wanted to come... At 2:30 I still hadn't heard anything so I called her, of course she wasn't there and according to the staff at the house, Devilteen had decided NOT to come after all. So wait by the phone I did once again. At 5:00 she finally had the nerve to call me and said she would still come if I still wanted her to... AAARRRGGGHHH..... We talked, and finally Devilteen admitted that she really didn't want to come but didn't want to hurt my feelings so... I told her that she needed to trust me enough to be honest with me. It was ok if she didn't come for the weekend, it was not ok to assume that I would just BE here waiting for her phone call and any decision that she would make. My feelings are not her responsibility and if I am sad or angry or whatever, I will deal with it. I would rather have Devilteen be honest with me than come 'cause she feels guilty. Score one point for the Mommy!!!! Saturday evening was other wise uneventful. I got to bed at a reasonable hour and had a good sleep.

I spent the rest of Saturday stalking Blogs! I found some really great pages written by drunks like me and stopped by several to leave my two cents worth. Ya never know, I might even find a friend or two in my travels. It was kind of nice to have the place to myself. I finished the laundry I had started a couple of days ago, I read lots of stuff by other AA's, so it was almost like a meeting, and the house stayed tidy when I cleaned it. Score another point for the Mommy!!

Well here I am on Sunday, someone told me the other day that the world was my oyster ( hand movement here depicting said oyster ), so I guess my goal for today is to find my pearls! It is kind of strange to think that I can do whatever I want and not have to account to anyone. NO inner addict, that does NOT include using HA TAKE THAT and score another point for the Mommy while we are at it... I'm not sure what I will do with self today but I will be back to let you know (no, that is not a threat, it is a promise) so until I have more to say...Bye for now...