Wednesday, January 31, 2007

LESS THAN LUCID???

O.K. So I haven't exactly been myself lately, however I think I resent the comment that perhaps there is a possibility that maybe I am shall we say "less than lucid". I am a little umm, creative. I may have moments, or days or even weeks, when my thoughts are a little scattered. I may be what they say is a little outside the box. I am not however, not lucid, I think !!! That being said, lately I'm really not sure whether I am coming or going and to make matters worse I don't even know if I want to be coming or going, and furthermore, I don't know where it is that I want to go! If you are having trouble keeping up...GOOD!!! and welcome to my world!

Yeah it seems ever since my lovely daughter told me that she's thinking about not moving back home, I have been all over the place emotionally. One day I am totally ok with it and the next I am overwhelmed with sadness. Just as quickly though I can become indignant at the thought of not being able to finish the job of raising my own child. This journey has been filled with ups and downs, I have made lots of mistakes along the way (thankfully none of them have been fatal), but one thing that has been ever constant in our lives is the love that we have for each other.

The very first time I met my daughter, I fell so deeply in love with her. It wasn't just that she looked perfect, although due to the C-sec delivery she was by new born standards perfect. No, it was a love that came from sharing my body for nine months with this little person. It was a love that was born from knowing that God had decided that I would be allowed to be a mother. It was a love that came from the act of lovemaking. It was a love that I had never felt fo another person in my entire life, and probably will never feel for another again. When my belly started to grow and the first time I heard the heartbeat from within me...I can't really find the words to explain it. It was just such a miracle, truly, to think that this little being was growing inside me. the first time I felt the movement is a moment I will never forget. The day she was born changing me forever into a mother is a day I will cherish always.

I guess I am feeling the need to reminisce because I am not yet ready to let go of that little person that I waited my whole life to meet. I know that we will always have a special bond. I know that she will always be my only child and I her only mother. I know that part of my job is to raise a child who can go out in the world with self confidance and self-love and a sense of purpose and direction for her life. My job is to the best of my ability, to send forth a productive member of society who has much to teach and much to learn, someone who makes the world a better place just because they are... and I believe with every fiber of my being that the world IS a better place just because SHE IS.

It feels kind of like when the parents have spent years raising their kids and the youngest has finally left the nest so-to-speak. Now I know how my mother must have felt when I, and my younger sister, both got married within a couple of months of each other. My sister had lived at my parents house right up until a couple of months before her marriage, she got her own little apartment before she married just so that she could experience living on her own first. My mom cried when my sister moved out. I had left home at seventeen , so my sister was kind of like my moms last full-time mothering job. I can see now how that must have been scary for her. My mom was a stay at home mom throughout our childhood and re-entered the work force only when my sister was almost finished high school. It's not like my mom didn't have a life without my sister there, my mom had my dad, she had her job (that she loved), she had friends and a social life, my mom's life was not over when my sister grew up and left home. In some ways though I feel like my life is.

I don't mean literally that my life is over, it is just going to be so different if I am not to be a full time mom again. The other day I was speaking to a friend who said " I would be so excited at the new world that I was about to enter". EXCITED? No, I am more terrified than anything. She pointed out that now I could pursue whatever job it was that I wanted without having to worry about taking care of Devilteen. Yeah that sounds good, but I don't know what I want to do yet... I didn't think I'd have to decide that yet... I thought that my life could still be an extension of her life for the time being... WAHH...I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP YET...

I know this all sounds crazy, even to me. I am just so full of fear, of what you ask? "Of EVERYTHING", I reply...The thought of growing old and alone, the thought of having to figure out who I AM and what I WANT in life. I am afraid of starting over , even though I have successfully done just that so many times before. In some ways I feel like I am far too old to be starting back at square one. For some of you this probably sounds ridiculous, after all I am only 45. To some of you (who shall remain nameless) 45 seems so very old. I'm stuck, dammit! I wish there was a magic wand or divining rod or some other thing that could give me a direct link to God so I could say " I don't know where to go from here, I don't know what my purpose is supposed to be, HELP!!!" All I can do for today is to be open to the messages that my HP may try to send me. I do have faith that everything will be the way it is supposed to be, I just don't have an abundance of patience right now. I want answers NOW. I guess my mission is to pray for patience and the willingness to see the answer when it comes... wish me luck, please. Oh and a prayer or two couldn't hurt!

Peace out Y'all, until the next time!

5 comments:

Alcoholic Brain said...

Growing up is optional. Beautiful post. Thanks.

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

I hope you're doing ok now. As for your prayer, I gonna pray with you.

Have a great weekend.

The Maven said...

Oh gosh. Just lots of hugs. That was very well-written and I could feel every word. Hang in there, my friend *hugs*

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Hey LG! Where are ya?
Just popped in to say HI!!
Shame you weren't in! We could have had a cup of tea and a girlie chat! Oh well. nuther time!
Keep coming back y'hear? Ta ra for now..

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Hi there Miss Lush. hope you are well and all that!