I BROKE MY ARM PATTING MY BACK!

I was so proud of the hard work that I had done fixing up my Blog, and so busy patting myself on the back, that I hadn't checked to see if everything was working. That's what happens when I try to run the show! My Higher Power usually steps in with His irony and says "You think you're all that and a bag of BBQ ruffles do you? Well watch this!" Yes My GUY has a sense of humour all right!... Just sometimes I wish it wasn't at MY expense! It seems that although I think my Blog looks beautiful, my links aren't all working... typical in my life, It looks good on the outside, but you go a little deeper only to find the flaws. BOO HOOO...I suck at Blog-making! Never fear my friends as I have enlisted the help of a near-perfect Blogger to fix what's wrong (with my Blog). I hope she doesn't catch on to the near-perfect Blogger comment, she might tell me to DIY!!!

I don't have much time to write, I have an appointment at one... don't worry I have lots to tell you, and maybe by the time I add to my post the magical Blog fairy will have visited and fixed stuff, or maybe not, but in any case, I will be back...

That was quick huh? It is about four p.m. now , I got back a while ago and proceeded to read/comment on my blog-fixes, then go to mine to check on it...To my dismay the Magical Blog Fairies I alluded to earlier have not yet fixed my Blog links! Oh well guys, you'll just have to stay and read my ramblings... Speaking of which...

Is it just me, or does the following seem somehow wrong... First a brief history lesson, for those of you who don't know. Almost two years ago my Devilteen was removed from my care as I was caught up in a drug/alcohol addiction. She was in a foster home for a while and then was moved to a group home. Of course she hated it, and it broke my heart to not have her with me, but not enough to get clean (that took some time on my part). Eventually I was able to kick the demons out of my life and am now on the road to recovery, the thing is, I had to do it for ME, not Devilteen. At first all I could think of was getting her back (home), but as anyone in recovery can attest to, we have to find it in ourselves to get clean for US, or it all will be for naught.

I fought with Children's Aid, I lied to everyone that I had quit using, all the while thinking my outrage was justified, anyone who knew me also knew how much I loved my daughter... I gathered soldiers to fight on MY team. " Devilteen should be with you" they would tell me! "Children's Aid sucks the big hairy one" and of course " Everyone smokes dope and drinks, what's the big deal?" The BIG DEAL was that I am an alcoholic. I had been clean and sober for quite some time and then Devilchild became a teenager! As a single mom with one or two issues (LOL) I found it hard to cope with the new and improved Devilchild. I had taught her all her life that it was o.k. to say NO! to adults--- I guess she didn't get the unspoken part that was ---But NOT to your mother!!! We engaged in many a battle during those early years.... 'Going to school IS NOT optional unless you are bleeding to death or otherwise incapacitated. NO you cannot wear the Hoochie top to school, it is not in the dress code! You may not stay out until 10:00 at night just because your friends are doing it, and on and on.

The more I tried to set limits, the more she fought back. It got worse until I started not fighting with her to make her come home after school and chasing her down every single night. I thought I was doing the right thing, but in my heart I had given up, being a mom was hard work, and when the child has a strong personality and the mom lacks self-esteem....It was disasterous for everyone. So I did what every alcoholic does best, I started drinking again (for you earthlings this probably seems like pouring gas on a fire, but in my mind at the time, it made perfect sense). I didn't actually start with alcohol, first it was a little 'herb' here and there to calm me down, that way when Devilteen decided to come home for the night I wouldn't feel the need to scream at her or kill her and bury her in the garden! The weed eventually led me to alcohol, at first just a drink here and there, because I deserved to 'have a life' too. The child was out who knew where and I was not going to sit at home waiting for her, so I started partying with some friends(?). I know it's all good in theory, but the point is an alcoholic can NEVER safely drink.

In October of '04 I had started a new job, I loved it and was very good at it, but it was working in a bar, the job was not bar-work, but the Deli I worked in WAS in a bar... it wasn't a classy bar either. It was the kind of place that had been around for years, don't get me wrong, there were alot of great people there, but also some , shall I say, questionable types. I of course found myself drawn to the more questionable, like the ones who had cocaine and the ones who did smoke dope and very quickly found myself back in a life that I had worked so hard to crawl out of. To the detriment of my own self, but more so to the detriment of my beautiful daughter who had always been the priority in my life. And so the CAS was called and they took away my child and I didn't want to live anymore , but I could live without her as long as I had my booze and drugs, not a fair trade I know, but again at the time it made sense to me.

By March of '06 I was starting to realize that if I ever wanted to have my child live with me again, I would have to quit doing what I was doing. For me that included leaving the job that I loved so much because it just wasn't a good place for me to work. I tried to quit drinking and smoking, but it was just too much for me to fight on my own. Eventually I made a call which would help to save my life, I went to an intensive treatment program for drugs and alcohol. I finally got clean and sober on June 2 , 2006, and have been since then. So the unfairness of life is that...Devilteen could have come home at Christmas but wanted to finish out her school year where she was ( a town about an hour away from where I live). Of course I supported this decision, it did hurt but who wants to change schools in the middle of a school year? Way to go mommy!! I actually put my childs needs ahead of MY wants.

WE (being CAS, Devilteen and myself) decided that after school ended we could begin the re-integration process, that would mean that Devilteen could be 'home' by June or so. I could do that. I would be sober a year by that time. I could have a new job by then. We could both deal with the problems my relapse had caused and be on the road to healing by June. Yup, life was good after over two years of living apart my 'baby' was coming home.... Well I've asked this question before "What happens when an alcoholic makes plans?" You guessed it! Devilteen has other plans, of course, she IS the child of an alcoholic after all!!!

It would seem that in all of her not-yet-sixteen-wisdom that she may not WANT to come back home....WHAT??? Yes indeedy, there is such a thing as assisted living for children who have been in CAS care and are sixteen and over. A wonderful plan really- FOR ANYONE ELSE'S KID!!! But really, they set the child up in a rented place ,not really their own place, but more independance than in a group home. They give each child money for food and clothing, pay their rent, and if the child wants to, they will even pay for college. WHO MADE THIS PLAN UP??? I guess to a teenager this would seem like heaven on earth, no parents to account to, or tell them to do their (nasty) homework, no one to tell them what time to go to bed or what boy to not date. Yup, to an almost sixteen year old -um let's see go back to moms and moms rules and moms nagging OR go out on MY OWN with someone else paying the bills and No One to tell me to clean my room , tough choice, but sorry mom You Suck, and I'm practically grown now and....

OOOOFFFF, that my friends, is the sound of her fist hitting my gut! Devilteen dropped the wonderful little bomb on me at the beginning of this past weekend, she couldn't wait until the end of the weekend! Of course nothing has been decided for sure, she is just thinking about her options at this point...WHO THE HELL TOLD HER THAT SHE HAD CHOICES? Oh yeah, that would be ME. The woman who suffered through thirty hours of labour to deliver the child who didn't want to be born! She ended up being born by C-sec, 'cause she just wouldn't get out!!! I've gotten clean and sober (read for you), I am much better as a person (and a mother). Heck, I even totally re-decorated your bedroom in hot pink and black for you, and you might not WANT to come home?

I have been passing back and forth between deep sadness and anger and a bit of 'well, the NERVE of her!' I can't in all good conscience MAKE her come back, that would kind of defeat the purpose of teaching her to do what is right for her. I can't trade her in for a more compliant child ( the warranty has long since expired) , I can't kill her and bury her in the garden-the ground is still frozen... So I guess I have to accept whatever decision Devilteen makes and *GULP* be supportive of her. Boy it really sucks to be me sometimes! I will, of course, update you as more information becomes available. I may just have to make the best of it. I may just have to actually GET a new life including a new job and apartment . I may just have to survive the assault on my ego and move on. What a concept...acceptance of something I can not change! Well now that you are all caught up , I think I'll go have supper, I'm starving, and I actually don't feel like stuffing my face with chocolate ( will wonders never cease) See y'all later!!! ]

Before I forget...Yesterday was 15 months since I quit using cocaine...YAY ME!!!