Thursday, March 22, 2007

..AND NO MORE RESERVATIONS

We have seen the truth again and again: "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic"... If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservations of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol... To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time nor to take quantities some of us have.This is particularily true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 33
These words are underlined in my book. They are true for men and women alcoholics. On many occasions, I've turned to this page and reflected on this passage. I need never fool myself by recalling my sometimes differing drinking patterns, or by believing I am "cured". I like to think that, if sobriety is God's gift to me, then my sober life is my gift to God. I hope God is as happy with His gift as I am with mine.

To borrow a quote from my friend Pam "Sobriety is Exhausting!"... This week has been a little messed up, to say the least! Monday I had many naps, after spending five days with Angel. I was totally wiped out! We really didn't DO a whole lot, but just being around another human 24/7 is a little overwhelming for me! I am anxiously awaiting her return home, but with just a touch of fear. It's going to be different for me to once again share my life and home after being on my own for over two years....what if I can't do it? What if I mess her up AGAIN...What if, what if, what if....

Yes Pam- I hear you! KEEP IT IN TODAY!!!

On Tuesday I had cancelled an appointment that I was to find out wasn't until NEXT Tuesday!! I have just been SOOO tired! On Wednesday I actually did something productive- went to my 'Rainbow Group". It was very full and once again, I felt a little overwhelmed at being around people for that long. By yesterday, I was feeling exhausted! Maybe it's still the remnants of being sick a few weeks ago, maybe it's my allergies kicking in already, not quite sure, but I know that I am wiped out this week. Alas, though God had other plans for me yesterday, we had another court date. I didn't even post about it, I guess 'cause in my mind, I was thinking "no biggie, been there done that, this will not be any different". I had even called my lawyer early in the morning to try and not go! I thought that since our appearance was at 11:00, that it would not be before a judge. Good thing I got my sh*t together and showed up though... it was an appearance before Her Honour!

True to the 'old' me, I was running a little late- procrastination, the nectar of the evil ones'...I hadn't eaten or read my daily meditations. At least before I ran out the door, I grabbed a big bottle of water, my "Daily Reflections" book AND my "Twenty four Hours a Day" book, and went to catch the bus. Just as I was walking down the final, short road to the bus stop I saw the bus go whizzing by! I wasn't even within running distance (but I did briefly consider running MC, you too are in my 'daily' mind !) So bus being missed and lushgurl running late used to equal a really good excuse for the AW F**K IT'S to kick in, happily though He put someone in my path that kept me at the bus stop! I was trying to be patient when an 'old' acquaintance rode by on his bike. I had hoped he wouldn't stop to talk, but again, HE had other plans.

The guy was someone I had known from my using days. I never really liked him, found him a little creepy, and he was a coke-head. I think he was interested in me, but as he had nothing to offer me (broke, unemployed, always looking for drugs...) I never hooked up with him- thank God! Any way he did stop to talk and when he asked how I was I immediately launched into "I am clean and sober today, I am going to AA today, blah blah, blah" I was hoping he would get bored and leave, but you know, he had been wondering why I hadn't been around and decided to keep me company while I waited for the next bus! Finally it arrived, and I was feeling kinda icky, so I pulled out my books and read, and prayed, right on the bus. I didn't care if people were looking at me, and I started to feel calmer.

When I got to court there was my Angel and our CAS worker, and we hadn't been called to go in yet, did I EVER wonder if HE is working in my life? At last,we were called in, and the judge was there and was I ever glad that I hadn't blown it off. How bad would it have looked if the 'mother' didn't appear? I think that the judge was reading our applications which included my letter. And the end result was that Angel will be in care until July 19 th, which is EXACTLY one week before she turns 16! At that point we will attend our FINAL court appearance to decide where she will live. I am so relieved that I don't have to worry and fret about any of this again for a while.

So back to the title of this post... AND NO MORE RESERVATIONS...No, I have none. I am today, and always will be, an alcoholic. I do not have any left over thoughts that maybe I can drink or use again. My God is in my life and HE knows what I need even when I don't. If I keep doing the next right thing, then all will be well in my world. And I don't have to fret or worry about tomorrow, for it will be OK too! Now I am going to do my readings and feed my body, my Angel is coming back today! I have some laundry and housework to do and Then I will do my daily blog-stalking! So, yes, I will see you all later! and no, that is NOT a threat, it is a promise!!! Until later... chill baby and peace out y'all- see Angel Yomomma Can Be SICK sometimes!!!

12 comments:

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

That's good news, Pat. I guess you've nothing to worry about anymore. It will be all over on July 19th and no more reservations.

Have a wonderful weekend with Angel, will ya?

Pam said...

Oh darlin'....yeah you here me...on the STAY in the DAY stuff.
It's OK not to be supermom, or superAAer or superhuman. It's OK to review our day....and do the best we can on that day.
Tell all these fears to GOD. He will just be so happy to pull up a chair and listen to you....you're his baby girl!!!
Keep doin' the deal!!
You've come such a long way :)

vicariousrising said...

Whew! No wonder you feel tired. All kinds of things have been going on, and now you can relax a little. Be nice to yourself. Get a manicure or something.

I'm so glad all the court stuff went well. Keep on keeping on. It really is working!

Have a super weekend, lushgurl!

SoberSteve said...

Stay in the day. Sobererity is exhausting. What simple words. What true statements. Thanks for reminding me that it is Gods will not our own will, we tried that and look where it got us. I'm going to say my prayers again.

peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

AAngel said...

awww that was a really good post lush I really truly believe I you and keep up the good work hunnie bunn

lash505 said...

I know that feeling and even life at times is exausting

Scott said...

mmi am so glad that you have no reservations (ever watch the show "No Reservations" on the Travel Channel?? lol)

Anyhow, sounds like a week full of life, amdness, God's Grace (I am sure He sent that biker your way to remove the AW F*ck-its). And yea, I know about the tuffness it takes to spend any time with other human beings, lol do I ever!

Hang in there, keep one foot in front of the other and I will be praying for ya, my friend!

Love n hugs right back atcha!@

Anonymous said...

Yet another awesome, honest post by you. Thanks for helping me stay clean today.
Peace,
Scout

Anonymous said...

hey you are just living the best you can and sometimes that is enough to poop us out.hope you enjoy your time with angel and may you feel refreshed again soon.
thanks for sharing.

Inmatez Wife said...

I can totally understand your exhaustion. Hang in there, you are in my prayers. Hey--you are tagged. Look at my blog to see what fun thing you now get to add to the list of things to do!! LOL!! Meant out of love my friend!

sharonsjourney said...

I noticed something in your post, & that is your faith in your God, & you do give Him credit. That is awesome. Good luck on your next court date,,,,be sure & show up LOL. Thanks for your comments, & support!

Love Ya, Sharon

Anonymous said...

hmmm... is someone helping you in dressing up your blog?

hehe

just noticing the extra niceties on your site lately