Sunday, June 03, 2007

DO I LOOK ANY OLDER?



This is a picture of me a year and a day old...how do ya like me now? And here is todays Daily Reflection...

... we then look at Step Six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensible.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 76


Steps Four and Five were difficult, but worthwhile. Now I was stuck on Step Six and, in despair, I picked up the Big Book and read this passage. I was outside, praying for willingness, when I raised my eyes and saw a huge bird rising in the sky. I watched it suddenly give itself up to the powerful air currents of the mountains. Swept along, swooping and soaring, the bird did things seemingly impossible for mortal birds to do. It was an inspiring example of how a fellow creature "letting go" to a power greater than itself. I realized that if the bird "took back his will" and tried to fly with less trust, on its own power alone, it would spoil its apparent free flight. That insight granted me the willingness to pray the Seventh Step prayer.


It's not easy to know God's will in each circumstance. I must search out and be ready for the currents, and that's where prayer and meditation help! Because I am, of myself, nothing. I ask God to grant me knowledge of His will, and the power and courage to carry it out- today.


Yesterday, I was determined to begin the next phase of my recovery in a new way. Instead of staying stuck in the hurt from my fight with Angel, I chose to enjoy my day, and that included some elements of self-care, where before there would have been self-destruction. I had some breakfast, read my prayers and meditations, and did some blog-stalking. Then I picked up the phone. I called the woman who had spoken on Friday night, we had a very good conversation about learning to let go of control of our children. I asked her how long it took for her own daughter to forgive her for all of the alcoholic behaviours, she said about two years! It had been a painful journey for both of them, but in the end, it all worked out. The second call came to me. It was my new sponsor (yes I'll probably keep calling her my 'new sponsor' , even after twenty years!). She was calling to see how I was. Again we talked about letting go of children- is there a message here? We are getting together to read and discuss Step one, this is appropriate for me I think, because if I stay focused on today, I may just make it this time! The third call was to a very good friend. An amazing young woman of thirty, who is about to celebrate 16 years of clean and sober living. She really has been my 'bestest friend' ever since I met her. At my first meeting back, she was the speaker, I was in awe, I wanted what she had, and thankfully, we became friends.


I spent the afternoon watching my Jays kick butt against Chicago- YAY! I puttered in my garden, showered and then went for a bike ride. I chose not to call Angel, just to let the dust settle. when I got back from my ride, there was a message from Angel, apologizing for her behaviour and asking me to forgive her. She said "if you're not too mad at me...". I cried. I don't think she knows how very much I truly love her, even when I'm angry. And the truth is, that I wasn't really angry at all, I was just feeling overwhelmed and questioning my ability to be a good mother. When she acts out and expresses anger like she did, I know it is because she feels safe enough to do that, I just want for her to not have to hurt herself or me or anyone else in the process.... We will talk later today, I will remind her that I love her no matter what, and apologize for hurting her. I will ask her what she needs from me. That, for today is all I can do.


Today I am grateful for the following...

  • I don't have a hangover from celebrating my first birthday
  • I didn't feel the need to hurt me or anyone else yesterday
  • I have everything I need, and then some
  • there are many people in my life today who love and trust me
  • there are many people in my life today who I love and trust
  • today can be any kind of day I choose it to be
  • I am 366 days sober, and ready to keep learning and growing
  • that I received about 15 e-mails yesterday to congratulate me on my anniversary- they were all people I had never met or 'spoken' to before!
  • today, I feel "Happy, Joyous and Free"
  • for every single one of YOU- loving me, sharing with me, and accepting me

19 comments:

Pam said...

wow....you really are putting everything you learn into action! that is so great sweetie.
enjoy the first day of your second year!!!!!!!!!

Shadow said...

hey! happy 1 year and 1 day! congratulations!!!!!!! you're doing great and sound soooooo together. stay that way!

Tab said...

Wonderful post Lush..you sound fab.
Thanks for sharing!

Scott W said...

Congratulations on finding your way!

recoveryroad said...

Happy.

Joyous.

Free.

Groovy.

:-)

msb said...

Happy birthday and Keep on Trudging the road of happy destiny.

lash505 said...

you like like a hot mama with beautiful clear eyes...

Mary Christine said...

I can't believe I missed your birthday!!!!! Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday. And just for the record, people who show up on the day AFTER their birthday are people who tend to stick around. Glad to see you here on the day after! Keep coming back!!! Love, MC

Granny said...

You look far too young to be the mom of a teenager.

Must be that clean living.

Rex said...

Congrats!!! One year is awesome. Keep on keeping on..,,hugs to you. Ps I tagged ya.....

Mary Christine said...

I still can't believe I missed your b'day. So, Happy Birthday one more time!

Clarity said...

Hey sweet, sweet Momma! I'm so sorry I wasn't online yesterday to wish you well and congrats on your one year. I'm so proud of the way you handled your "disagreement" with Angel. You're doing so well, my friend! XXOO

Nael C. Robes said...

I am so sorry that you were going to celebrate and ended up getting tested by your daughter. You did great and should be proud. You didn't lose it and that'r more than I can say for myself somedays. I hope you enjoyed what was left of your weekend!

sharonsjourney said...

Happy belated birthday! I'm sorry I missed it. You are so wise for a one yr. old, you've got alot on the ball gurl!

I'm glad you & Angel made up. Sometimes, we have to let things out, & isn't it wonderful she has a mommy she feels safe to do that with?

It was nice to get your comment when I got back. Didn't have the time right then to write much, but you can read about my vacation now, which was wonderful, had a great time with my sis.

Love You, Sharon

ScOuT said...

Happy 366!
u rock!
:-)
Peace,
Scout

Meg Moran said...

No you don't look older, but you sure look wiser!

Syd said...

Good for you LG! You do sound very happy. I'm glad that you have found such happiness. And no--you don't look older just wiser.

Christine said...

you look lovely!

A Bishops wife said...

I am proud of you!!! You are doing so well!!! Do we know each other? No...but I have been their!

My hubby and I had 10 years sober on May 15th. Time passes so quick.

Remember that you are a treasure to this world.

Wonderful!!!