ALL WE DO IS TRY!

I have had a busy week so far! On Monday I had to go to another plan of care for Angel as we begin to re-integrate her home. When I first arrived, the Children's Aid worker said "I heard you had a rough weekend". I told him that yes, it had started that way, but the rest of my weekend was great! I wish I could have captured his disbelief on film, I almost laughed ! I then attempted to explain to him how I was learning to care for self and that when Angel had her melt-down with all the accompanying abuse and other behaviours, I chose to care for me and send her home! It dawned on me, when talking to a friend yesterday, that he just doesn't "get" the program. With all of the apprehensions he does, taking children out of homes of alcoholic or drug addicted parents, he has no idea about the recovery process! My friend pointed out that he probably viewed my taking care of me as at the expense of Angels' well being. I'm sure that it did come across that way, but that is so not how I meant it...

If only he knew what it has taken for me to get to where I am. If only he knew how I struggle still with all of the guilt that comes from being sober and remembering all the times when I was truly selfish and unavailable to my precious child. If only he knew that by setting a boundary, and imposing a consequence, I am trying to teach Angel that I do love her, and I love me, so I owe it to both of us to treat her mom with love and respect and self care first... But he doesn't know any of this I guess. He asked me what I will do if Angel engages in these behaviours when she is with me more often, and I no longer have the option of 'sending her back'. I told him that I had faith that we are learning to stay out of each others' way, and by taking 'time out' away from each other, we would calm down enough to talk through the problem. I had lots of people to call who love and support me in my life, people who "get" the program and can help me to stay focused. People who can remind me to not try to change Angel, but show her that I will not tolerate some behaviours by staying strong.He said that that might help me not to drink, but what about the parenting issues? He doesn't understand how much this program teaches us about life, parenting, job hunting, indeed all of the things that we need, to live better lives. Today, I am OK with his ignorance.

After the POC, I went to Walmart to pick up a few things, and I left my name on a list of people interested in employment. Yesterday I got a call to go in for an information session. There were four of us, we were given applications and reference pages, and had an initial interview, I feel it went quite well. I didn't know that I would be interviewed then, but I think I showed my enthusiasm to work at Walmart, more shall be revealed! If they are interested, I will hear from them by the end of the week for a final interview... Hello, my name is Lushgurl, how may I help you today? Tonight is relapse prevention group and then a big celebration at one of my favourite AA groups. One of the men who is celebrating 13 years, is the one who will present me with my medallion at my celebration on Friday. I can hardly wait!

And speaking of making changes in self, and self-care, here is todays Daily Reflection...

Can He now take them all- every one ?
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.76

In doing Step Six it helped me a lot to remember that I am striving for "spiritual progress". Some of my character defects may be with me for the rest of my life, but most of them have been toned down or eliminated. All that Step Six asks of me is to become willing to name my defects, claim them as my own, and be willing to discard the ones I can, just for today. As I grow in the program, many of my defects become more objectionable to me than previously and, therefore, I need to repeat Step Six so that I can become happier with myself and maintain my serenity.

You guys rock too! Have a wonderful Wednesday every one of you!