LOOKING BACK AND MOVING FORWARD...

If I were
to close my eyes
would you shed a tear for me?
I'm tired of living
so many lies
I want for sleep to set me free
I always dreamt
of so much more
but happiness I never found
I'm tired of trying
to break these chains
that ever seem to hold me down
where is the hope
that I once knew
the dark of night brings peace you see
when I lay down
to close my eyes
do not shed a tear for me...

written by me on October 4, 2003

I hardly even remember the gurl who wrote this poem and was in so much pain. I know from the date that I had just begun to smoke pot again that spring. I also know that by the summer I was drinking again, and in the fall (no pun intended) I was seduced once again by my nemesis, cocaine. Things were pretty tough back then. Angel and I were fighting (for control?) all of the time. I had started to hang with people who didn't care about me, only what I could give them. I started to sink deeper into despair and self loathing, I couldn't even see the way out. But one thing I did know was that I was not being true to myself, and with every passing day that I used, I fell deeper into the hole that I had dug for myself. I was out of control, my child was out of control, my LIFE was out of control. I wanted out...of all the pain.

I am happy to report that as of today, I have been free of the chains of cocaine addiction for 17 months. Holy cow! Look how far I have come! It was not always an easy road back to recovery, there were many days that I felt I just couldn't go on, the pain was ever present. I just didn't know how I could possibly survive another day (like that). Slowly, and by just putting one foot in front of the other, I started to get well again. I came back to AA, and soon realized that this road was, for me, the easier softer way! Not all of my days have been great and I'm sure that I will have many more difficult days ahead. The difference is that today I have hope and faith and I know with absolutely no reservations, that if I continue to stay clean and sober my worst day today will never be as bad as my best day back then. With the help of my Higher Power and the fellowship of AA, being able to post on my blog and dump the crap and with all of your feedback, My life is so beautiful and I am very grateful for that today.

...and now for our reading from Daily Reflections...

Fear... of economic insecurity will leave us.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.84

Having fear reduced or eliminated and having economic cicumstances improve, are two different things. When I was new in AA, I had those two ideas confused. I thought fear would leave me only when I started making money. However another line from the Big Book jumped off the page one day when I was chewing on my financial difficulties : " For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress, never preceeded." ( pg 127). I suddenly understood that this promise was a guarantee. I saw that it put priorities in the correct order, that spiritual progress would diminish that terrible fear of being destitute, just as it diminished many other fears.

Today I try to use the gifts God gave me to benefit others. I've found that it is what others valued all along. I try to remember that I no longer work for myself. I only get the use of the wealth God created, I never "owned" it. My life's purpose is much clearer when I just work to help, not to possess.

So with that my friends, I wish you all a peaceful, loving and sober day.... Enjoy!