A lack of more stable parenting on my part has created a child who, when she doesn't get her way will become very angry, sometimes even abusive to others. Where she lives now, they have aggression work if the child has been verbally abusive... Angel has done a lot of 'aggression work' ! When she is with me (for the most part anyway) we have been getting along quite well. When the horns start sprouting, I mostly have been able to bite my tongue and let it go. Like I said though, I think stuff has been going on lately, stuff that is causing Angel to be more angry, and I, as the mom, am now feeling the wrath.
Last week I found out that Angel had bought pot for one of the girls in the house, and she smoked some too. For this she got 'drug cons' which basically means she lost all her levels and had to start over. It also meant that she had no free time to leave the house on her own. By Tuesday Angel had regained a level- way to go, keep up the good work! On Wednesday there was a (party) sleepover at a 'friends' house... this was a friend that the staff in the house don't really know, but they allowed Angel to go and guess what happened? She drank! She had to tell me when she got to my house today. Of course this also means that she has once again lost her level and privileges. I tried to be supportive, but who am I kidding? I am her mother after all, and I truly want to throttle her for using last week and drinking this week, but I can't.
I went to my meeting tonight and it was good, it's an open discussion meeting that I have attended ever since I came back to the program. Angel had stayed home to work on homework, which was fine with me. At what point did things go horribly wrong? Probably about 11:00 when I told Angel it was time for bed (we had spoken earlier and agreed that eleven was late enough), but she puttered and stalled and at almost twelve came downstairs and announced she was hungry. I swear, I fed her supper, brought her some beef jerky and we had some almonds, so I didn't think she was starving and said " It's too bad you've waited until midnight, but it is bed time now"... and she was off... The attitude came out big time. She stomped up to her room and called me a bitch to which I replied "I love you!" I tried to go and talk to her, but she didn't want to speak to me. I said it was unfair of her to get angry just because she's not getting her way and I will not tolerate being called a bitch, because I don't deserve that. I seriously almost lost it. I also said that if she was not prepared to follow the rules then maybe she could go (home) tomorrow... WRONG THING TO SAY! Angel then told me she wanted to leave TONIGHT. She went out for a walk, yes, after midnight, then came back, took the phone and went straight to her room.
I'm hoping the worst is over for now, but I gotta tell you, for a moment there I almost panicked, I mean honestly this is not the same child who left me two years ago, she's almost sixteen now, and still knows how to bully me and push my buttons. I'm kind of scared, I guess, I want her to come home to me so badly that it hurts my heart, but I don't want to mess her up even more than I may have all ready. Why does parenting have to be so hard?
OK, rant is over (for now)...Get some perspective Lushgurl...Tonight I am grateful for...
-being clean and sober today
-my AA meetings that remind me how to stay clean and sober
-my blog, a place where I can vent if I need to
-all of the people in my life who believe in me and support me in my recovery
-the food I have eaten, a safe place to live, and a warm bed to sleep in
-that I have a Higher Power to hold me when I need a hug
11 comments:
Hugs coming your way.
I wish I could tell you it will all get better but I don't know that.
I do know you have to set limits just as you would if she had always been with you.
More later maybe. I have to get kids to the school bus.
Hey Gurl! Even sober - parenting is tough!!! : ) But it does get better, I promise. Keep on keepin' on. I know my kids can push my buttons SO good! Why? Because they installed them! Its my job to turn the buttons off or at least move them, so I'm rational and sane and can keep my boundaries when they are out of control. You're both in my prayers.
I wish there is a specific formula how to be a parent. We still don't have kid. God knows how I wisg I have one, just one. Reading yor post make me wish harder for a kid coming our way. I don't know LushGurl, what is the plan? Blessing in disguise?
What am I doing? Sorry LushGurl. I got carried away. I know it ain't small feat to raise a kid. Let alone a sixteen years old kid! I can only say, hang in there, girl. I know you love her so much. Just hang in there.
You're always in my prayers.
I would suggest you talk with Tab about some of this. She has been through it and come out the other side --lots of E, S, and H. Reach out to her if you can.
I do not envy your job here as a parent, Lush. I am sorry it has to be so hard for you. There has to be something to learn in all of it, doesn't there?
Peace to you,
Scout
I was a group home kid from 11-18. I had home visits with my mom. I was let go once, and got sent home back to my mom, and that didnt work. For reasons for both my mother and I couldt work things out-still. But when I went back to the group homes and came back to my moms for visits, I would have issues. I would use and get into trouble. I know for me, and my situation, I felt my mom didnt have a right to tell me what to do (WRONG) and I copped an attitude anytime she tried to set boudries or rules in anyway... I think it was because on some level I felt like she gave up on me and had no parenting rights, and I did just fine with out her.
I know being a group home kid, I went into survival mode, and learned to take care of myself... and it took a while to accept love and help from anyone.
I dont know what your Angel is going through. and from what you shared you did great, set boundries and stood your ground and telling her you loved her.
She is going through what she is going through. She will come out of it. You both are in my prayers.
I don't know anything about raising kids, as I don't have any, but I have friends & relatives that do, so I do know it's hard. Two things I picked picked up on that you are doing that seems right to me, & that is you're letting her know you love her, & you're setting boundaries. She will get it, if you stay consistant. I read once that kids really need consistancy, makes sense to me. Another thing you're doing right, & that is, you're staying grateful, boy what a difference that makes in our attitude. Keep on keepin' on.
Oh, {{{{{{{Lushgurl}}}}}}}.
Parenting is the hardest job ever, even when things are going well. Setting boundaries and letting her know you love her no matter what are important. Kids push boundaries. It's part of growing up, testing limits. In a loving environment, it's a perfectly healthy, normal and safe thing to do.
Getting advice from all sorts of people who have been through it - both those who have similar situations and those with more "regular" teenagers - is a great start. You can determine through their experience what might work for you and Angel. Love is the key. Seems to me there is a ton of it there.
My thoughts and best wishes are with you. And I'll double dip on giving you hugs.
{{{{{Lushgurl}}}}}
~Judith
I suppose a weird sort of solace here is that this behavior between mother and daughter sounds absolutely normal in any household...but you guys just have to be hyper-conscious of the causes of it.
Just keep thinking "baby steps...we're taking baby steps back towards each other...lurching...falling...getting back up..."
I'll be back tomorrow.
If there's one thing in life that's a sure thing it's that daughters know how to push their mother's buttons. I think back on my teenage relationship with my Mom and shudder. Eeek!
Good luck Lushgurl. All you can do is your best.
It's so much Who You Are that matters, far and away more important than any of the proper parenting shoulds. You staying sober says it all to her. Thanks for a great post.
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