Wednesday, March 28, 2007

EQUALITY

Today I am going to start with my "Daily Reflections" reading, for your pleasure and mine!...

Our membership ought to include all who suffer from Alcoholism. Hence we may refuse none who wish to recover. Nor ought AA membership depend upon money or conformity. Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an AA group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliations. Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 563

Prior to AA, I often felt that I didn't "fit in" with the people around me. Usually "they" had more/less money than I did, and my points of view didn't jibe with "theirs". The amount of prejudice I had experienced in society had only proved to me just how phony some self-righteous people were. After joining AA. I found the way of life I had been searching for. In AA, no member is better than any other member; we're just alcoholics trying to recover from alcoholism.

On reflection of this reading I realize just how different I really felt in the outside world. I had always known that somehow I WAS different, but in my mind I translated this to mean that there was something inherently wrong with me, as in broken, unfixable. I know for me a lot of those feelings come from the messages I received as a child, the discounting of my feelings, perceptions, the very negation of the reality in which I lived. I was told that I made up stories, that I plain out lied or didn't know what I was talking about. If I was sad or crying I was told that I had no reason to cry , or I should be grateful for what I had (you know, the millions of starving kids story). So growing up, I learned to not trust myself, my own feelings, to check with someone else to tell me if I was good or bad, right or wrong, smart or dumb. valuable or worthless...


Today this has all come to a head for me once again. I guess it started on the weekend when Angel had a fight with me! I say it this way because I didn't really 'fight' back, I just let her vent , and then called for back-up. I have been told that I dealt with all this appropriately, I did a good job, I took care of me etc. But still, in my mind I had bailed on my child by 'sending her away' when things got too intense for me to deal with it. Of course running out of my meds on Sunday and having it rain all day Monday, was just enough of an opening to allow my sh*tty committee into my head again! I am after all my own worst enemy, when it comes to perception of self...So I went to the place where any (good?) self-loathing alcoholic goes. I told myself I was a BAD mommy. I told myself I had FAILED my child yet again. I told myself that maybe Angel was better off where she was because, CLEARLY I was not prepared or able to deal with her!

Yesterday I went to see my counsellor. I talked a lot 'around' the issues I have been facing. I got the praise I so crave "You took care of you, you did the right thing..." and then the tears came

Crying 2*hangs head in shame* She had asked me if I was sharing this with anyone, or writing about it on my blog, "well, no" I replied, "then everyone "out there" would know that I am a bad person, but not just a regular bad person, a FAT bad person"...I had not actually been feeling the stuff that was going on in my life. Why , you ask? because I had been eating my feelings! In true addictive form I had found yet another 'old friend' to comfort me and to make sure all those icky feelings didn't come out so they could be dealt with and sent back to their rightful place as thoughts, not feelings! My counsellor gave me some activities to do to examine these feeling, put them in proper perspective and change my attitude toward myself. On the way home I picked up my meds, and a HUGE chocolate bar then proceeded to sleep for the rest of the afternoon and EAT my way through the evening...

This morning I woke up feeling a little better. At least now I have an awareness of what I have been doing, and that is a step toward change, right? In my daily blog-stalking, I usually come across many words of wisdom, sometimes I even come up with ones' of my own to leave as comments! So today was to be no different! I came across this http://todaysdailyblog.blogspot.com/">Link . It would seem that I actually am NOT all that different after all!!! I may have to change my name to "Super freak" though... and todays' reading about equality, has brought me back to the place where I know that I belong and (kinda) fit in! The rooms of AA have helped me to get clean and sober, and I know that when I'm ready they will also help me to deal with the feelings that are causing me to fall back on food. That to me, is what recovery is all about, learning to live better for me, not better than you. Learning how to take better care of me so I can be of more service to you and others. And today I am truly grateful to have this all-purpose program of recovering my life.



17 comments:

SoberSteve said...

I'm sure you heard this but I'm going to tell you again. You are going to make mistakes. If you did everything right all the time and knew the answer to all the questions, you would be my HP. So you made a mistake with Angel this weekend, but you stood strong, stood for yourself, i bet that felt good to you at the time. Guilt is an ok emtion, just don't let it fester into something bigger. You and her are learning about each other, the new boundaries that you are setting are going to be tested. That is the way of teenagers. you may not do everything right all the time, but as long as you are trying to do right.

Keep reaching out and talking you blog stalker you

peace
Hugs and kisses
Steve

The Maven said...

GREAT post, Lushgurl! I could relate very much. I find there is nothing harder for me than raising my kids. Nothing pushes my buttons more, makes me more insecure, worried, anxious, upset, angry... And yet I continue to try and do the best I can for them. That's all we can do, right?

I know that the mere fact that I examine how I deal with the boys and try to make my interactions with them increasingly positive is a strong step in the 'awesome mommy' direction. I'm on the right track when I'm always working on it. You are, too.

Coffee and a walk soon? Maybe this weekend? And definitely Friday night, providing Mr. Spawn stays healthy *crosses fingers*

SCoUt said...

The eating thing is a tough one, Lush. I feel for you and feel you pain. All I can say is, trust the process & remember that G-d works in ALL areas of our lives if we let G-d in. (easier said than done many times ;-)
Peace and a lot of love to you,
Scout

Nael C. Robes said...

Hang in there and don't beat yourself up. There is so much guilt and sacrifice in being a mother and you don't need to heap anymore on yourself.

Sober Chick said...

I second what Scout said, am not one to give spiritual advice right now but I really understand.

Mary Christine said...

Are you my little sister?

vicariousrising said...

Excellent post, lushgurl. And may I also say, ohmigod, we were both doing the avoidance dance at thereapy, lol.

Taking care of yourself is very, very important. I am just starting to learn that. Chocolate is OK, but there are better ways to be kind to yourself.

Keep on blogging, girlfriend! Love ya!

Meg Moran said...

We are all so alike....sometimes I picture myself riddled with holes; painful little voids, that I need to stuff things into...sometimes its food, sometimes it cigarettes, a new outfit...thank god its not drugs and alcohol anymore.

Michael said...

Hi,
I keep thinking I should talk more about how I am thinking or feeling but well I try not to think that is the thing, I like to concentrate on the world around me rather than looking inward too much.
I suppose we all have our own personal ways of dealing with our alcoholism.
Yes I got three comments yesterday must be a record

Inmatez Wife said...

Great post there!! All we can do is try, and if we try our best, then that is all that matters. I know how you feel with your angel, I get it with mine all the time. And I tell them, I am no good to you, if I am no good to me. It is all part of this process. You are in my prayers.

Rex said...

I had so very mony days like that. When I became willing to let others love me until I could love myself something started to change in me. One day I woke up and it was there, I'm not sure when I began to love myself, but by letting other in it eventually came. So.....let us love you until you can love yourself.

Jocelyn said...

Your pursuit of self-honesty keeps me in awe of you. And I love your point about addiction as the great equalizer.

Every day is a step forward for you, whether or not you realize it at the time.

Lex-Sunshine said...

Hey, the MOST and BEST I can EVER aspire to be is going to be human. I'm going to make mistakes. I hereby, with all my authority, give YOU permission to make mistakes too! To NOT be perfect, but to just do the best you that you can be every day. Each day sober gets a little brighter. You have proven that. You've come a LONG way baby - keep on keepin' on!

sharonsjourney said...

Did you get inside my head? I can so relate to everything! The feeling different, wrong, a mistake, on & on it goes. Basically, broken is a good description. I smoke, I spend too much money, I eat. Thanks for posting about this, it makes it ok for me to be more personal in my posts, I was afraid to, but after reading your post, & some others, it's ok. Don't be so hard on yourself, I'm telling you what you told me, be gentle with yourself....you have to live with you. We make mistakes as we are learning, & growing. Let your daughter know what's going on with you, that the two of you are learning together. You did the right thing. Great post, a good reminder of where we still go. But we have tools today, & we have others in recovery that understand. Hang in there.
Thank you for your comments, I appreciate them very much.

Love you, Sharon

sharonsjourney said...

I forgot to say, I love the third tradition. AA has helped me to see equality, not only with myself, but others too. I finally 'belong'. I have some awesome friends that are from all walks of life. Where else can you get that? AA taught me to look for the similarities, not the differences. I do that outside of AA too. I am so good at putting myself down, I was always in the bottom of the barrel, well, that's ego in reverse. Why not accentuate the positive? You wouldn't feel all those emotions about your daughter, if you weren't a good mother, you care for her, & love her very deeply from what I've read.

Love, & Hugs to You, Sharon

Scott said...

(hugs) aint recovery just a bundle of fun?? NOT! Hang in there, girl... You're nt a bad person getting good, you're a sick person getting well,a day at a time! Good for you, opening up and sharing honestly. It hurts but it leads to peace and sobriety... Keep doin what youre doin!

God Bless

SoberSteve said...

you changed your template,,,looks nice.