ATTENTION SEEKING AT IT'S FINEST!

This is from today's Daily Reflection's...

Demands made on other people for too much attention, protection, and love can only invite domination or revulsion....
Twelve steps and Twelve Traditions pg.44

When I uncovered my need for approval in the Fourth Step, I didn't think it should rank as a character defect. I wanted to think of it more as an asset (that is, the desire to please people). It was quickly pointed out to me that this "need" can be very crippling. Today I still enjoy getting the approval of others, But I am not willing to pay the price I used to pay to get it. I will not bend myself into a pretzel to get others to like me. If I get your approval fine; but if I don't, I will survive without it. I am responsible for speaking what I perceive to be the truth, not what I think others may want to hear.
Similarily, my false pride always kept me overly concerned about my reputation. Since being enlightened in the AA program, my aim is to improve my character.

I had started a post yesterday, and had got as far as typing out the reading, then I realized I really did not have that much to say! I know that is a little hard to belive about me, but truth be told, not that long ago I would have posted anyway, making it up as I went along. I think that for me, this stems from my need for approval. Which just happens to tie in with the reading for today. I know that I lived my life wanting someone, anyone to tell me I was OK- or not! The thing I have realized is that there was never going to be enough approval to make me feel ok with myself. A hundred people could have told me how great I was,what a good job I had done, how sweet, pretty, thin, loving, etc etc etc...but it was ALWAYS the one negative thing I heard that would consume my thoughts! It used to drive me crazy! Even as I am typing this, I am coming to see that I am changing- slowly, but changing I am.

When I was little, I had my mother's undivided attention for about three years, my father was away a lot ( he was a sailor) and my sister had not yet been born. My mother really doted on me! To her I was like a little doll that she could dress up and play with (she never had a doll when she was little). My mother loved me so much, and with a husband that was often away, or drunk when he was home, I became a great source for my mom's self esteem. She would sew me clothes and knit clothes for my dolls. She would dress me up and take me out, and with my red hair, I guess I receved quite a bit of attention. About the same time as my sister was born, my father had stopped most of his travels at sea. I quickly learned that I would never again get that constant attention and approval from any one. But that didn't stop me from trying!

I think for me, I learned that I had to do whatever it took to get people to pay attention to me. When someone did notice me, it was not usually for a good reason, as in all the sexual abuse I suffered. When I got a little older I started to act out, so again, I was paid attention to, but not in a good way. The thing is, kids will do anything to get someone to "look at me, pay attention to ME". I learned that I got far more attention for being 'bad' than for being good. It became what I was used to, not neccesarily what I wanted or even liked...

There are still many days when I find myself looking outside for that attention/approval that I so needed as a child, the difference is that today I can more easily recognize this and do something to change my thoughts or actions and just give myself the attention and love that I want. Talk about changing!

As I have mentioned, I have once again started looking for a job. I started thinking about it way back in November, when I asked for assistance with my resume. By January I had bought a printer so I could easily access and print up a resume from home. In March I edited my resume and worked on adding various cover letters, some customized ( for Starbucks, Home Depot and Pharma Plus) and I also wrote up some generic cover letters. Yesterday, I dropped off my very first one..... I will wait for the applause to die down before I continue.....

Yes that's right folks, Lushgurl has now entered the journey into the job search world. The only thing I had not yet done was to contact my former boss. Fear had kept me from making this phone call- fear of rejection, fear of being told to F- off, fear of finding that I could not use him as a reference... So today. after I had read my readings, had a bowl of cereal, and a few simple words of prayer, I picked up that hundred pound phone (a phrase borrowed from Sober Steve), and called my old boss. He actually sounded surprised and, dare I say Happy? to hear from me! What's up with that? I explained that I was looking for work again and asked if I could expect a good reference from him or if I should ask people to not call him, he said "I will be happy to give you a very good reference!". We spoke briefly for a few minutes, he told me that he was glad that things were going well for me and wished me the best of luck...

Today I am going to see my counsellor and I will be armed with more resumes to drop off. Ya never know, I may actually be one step closer to earning my keep! I have hope today. I know that not everyone will like me or approve of me, but today I love and approve of myself. I think that maybe I am starting to grow up a bit...is that OK? LOL

Hey, I just noticed that this is my forty sixth post and I am turning forty six this year, I wonder if that MEANS anything- other than I am a freak....and Hey... I just got a note from John W congratulating me on my ten months clean and sober ...DUUUUHHH, I didn't even remember LOL