Thursday, April 12, 2007


As usual, it seems that when I have a good day or two, I start to feel not so good! I'm not really depressed or anything, just a little out of sorts. The good news is, that I haven't needed to drink or use or other wise be bad to me! And of course I know that 'this too shall pass'... I had a good Easter despite how my weekend started (fighting with Angel).

I went to my mom's on Sunday so I got to see my sister and my two nieces also. I spent the whole day there which was great as I don't see my sister that often. It was good and tiring at the same time. My sister does not "get" alcoholism, and she's extremely smart, but I think that she is one of those who see my disease as more of a character defect. At one point I asked to borrow their computer so I could check up on my blogging buddies, my sister kind of rolled her eyes and said "You have a blog" *slight snorting sound added for emphasis.* I chose to ignore the sarcasm, and just explained how I have met these wonderful people from all over the world, and how we 'talk' and how it's kind of like me having a meeting everyday, in my home! I know she didn't understand. But all of you guys probably know me so much better than my sister ever could. You are like the family I choose to have today.

When I first started on my journey to recovery, I had a lot of hurt feelings left over from my family of origin. I never felt like I belonged or was good enough, smart enough , successful enough. I so desperately wanted their approval, but no matter how hard I tried, I always felt judged and not as good as. I think maybe I am feeling a little like that today, after spending time with my mom and sister and her husband and family. At least today I won't beat myself up so much for being different, I'm not better or worse than- just different, and today I think I am OK with that. I just feel kinda "little" today, if that makes any sense at all!

I think the bestest way I know to feel better about me, is to list the many things in my life that I am grateful for so here we go...Today I am grateful for the following:
  • I am clean and sober
  • I went to a meeting tonight even though I didn't feel like it
  • a good friend took me out for breakie this morning (I had oatmeal with raisins!)
  • I ran into an old friend who offered to smoke a doob with me and I said NO
  • my cats love me even when I forget to feed them!
  • all of my sober blogging friends who (seem) to love me ...whatever!!!
  • I have a safe place to call home today
  • my bed is comfy and warm, and all to self!
  • I got e-mails from a couple of friends tonight- it made my day
  • my "boys" kicked butt against the Royals tonight
  • I ate popcorn for supper and I don't feel guilty about it
  • tomorrow is another day...

Once again this is a short post, hope I didn't disappoint anyone, but if I did, too bad!!! LOL. I will be back again and I hope you all have a great night! Love you all...

Big Hug


Pam said...

Hey I had Fritos for supper, and I don't feel guitly either.
Most of the time, my family does not "get me" either, but on the flip side of that...I don't "get them". I'm OK with that today.
Nice gratitude list..sugar.

dAAve said...

Good list.
And I very much prefer a short post. A post that is longer than can be entirely seen on my monitor rarely gets read - by me.

Christine said...

family I choose today---

Syd said...

Not many people understand what it's like to live with alcoholism. Many of them are in denial about their own issues. It takes a lot of courage to work the AA and Al-Anon programs (and the other 12 step programs) and to blog your thoughts to the world. By the way, I always smile when I hear the "slight snorting sound". It usually means a J (judgmental) person is nearby and ready to expound.

Meg Moran said...

yep, our families can be toxic, IF we do not arm ourselves with the tools this program offers.

Hmmmm I had a burrito at 11pm coming home from getting Jolie at the airport!!

And damn right you have a blog!! SORRY SIS but that is all part of God's but out. Hee Hee

SoberSteve said...

I had a bowl of ceral. ok denial again 2 bowls of ceral.

Just remember that you only need to make yourself happy, not your sis.

Take care. watch that emtional high cloud that you are riding on though, your team is going to loose and loose soon. They play chicago

big hug for your support this morning. I needed it.

Nael C. Robes said...

My father told me he thought it was ridiculos that I would never have even one beer again. He got over it and he doesn't say much about my choices today because he has seen the improvement in my life.

Anonymous said...

Uuugghh...the FAMILY topic. I can't even go there in a comment section, Lush.
But I definitely know how they can hurt us even when we try to convince ourselves that we are not hurt. I have long had a "chosen family" and it is the one I prefer even though I have a deep, deep love for my blood.
I get you, girl.
Popcorn for supper is awesome. I won't even mention what I had last night. ;-)

Cori said...

As someone who has a sister that I just don't "get", I think it's great that you can realize you are/she is different but not better or worse. I hope you feel better today, loved your list of things to be grateful for!!

vicariousrising said...

I can sooooo relate about feeling smaller when it comes to family (of course, I am also literally the smallest in my family unless you include my grammies, lol).

Smart that you wrote a gratitude list to offset it. Keep smiling, Gurl!

{{{LushGurl}}} Love to you!

Mary Christine said...

My family is almost 100% alcoholic and they STILL don't get it. Even my sober friends don't "get" the blogging thing. I don't care.

I am about to have popcorn for dinner, and I can't wait!

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

Wow, pink colour for a template. Missed lot of things, you especially. I don't know how long I can be online again. My PC is acting strangely. One min here, several mins later gone. You know about the recovery thing I do lately. So, I hacked the PC on my own. I don't know it's because of that or what, but he is acting up on me. Grrrr!

I'm gonna spent my time reading all you posts that I missed. Don't mind me, I shall be here for quite some time. Just do your stuff.

Granny said...

My birth mother (I may have said this before and if so I apologize) didn't get it either. I finally had to all but sever the connection; it was becoming dangerous.

I'll send you a link to the two Mother's Day posts I wrote last year and not tie up your comment box.

Hugs. A little self-pity won't kill you; we're entitled to be sad occasionally. You're doing fine and you never (at least since I've been reading) disappoint.