LESS THAN LUCID???

O.K. So I haven't exactly been myself lately, however I think I resent the comment that perhaps there is a possibility that maybe I am shall we say "less than lucid". I am a little umm, creative. I may have moments, or days or even weeks, when my thoughts are a little scattered. I may be what they say is a little outside the box. I am not however, not lucid, I think !!! That being said, lately I'm really not sure whether I am coming or going and to make matters worse I don't even know if I want to be coming or going, and furthermore, I don't know where it is that I want to go! If you are having trouble keeping up...GOOD!!! and welcome to my world!

Yeah it seems ever since my lovely daughter told me that she's thinking about not moving back home, I have been all over the place emotionally. One day I am totally ok with it and the next I am overwhelmed with sadness. Just as quickly though I can become indignant at the thought of not being able to finish the job of raising my own child. This journey has been filled with ups and downs, I have made lots of mistakes along the way (thankfully none of them have been fatal), but one thing that has been ever constant in our lives is the love that we have for each other.

The very first time I met my daughter, I fell so deeply in love with her. It wasn't just that she looked perfect, although due to the C-sec delivery she was by new born standards perfect. No, it was a love that came from sharing my body for nine months with this little person. It was a love that was born from knowing that God had decided that I would be allowed to be a mother. It was a love that came from the act of lovemaking. It was a love that I had never felt fo another person in my entire life, and probably will never feel for another again. When my belly started to grow and the first time I heard the heartbeat from within me...I can't really find the words to explain it. It was just such a miracle, truly, to think that this little being was growing inside me. the first time I felt the movement is a moment I will never forget. The day she was born changing me forever into a mother is a day I will cherish always.

I guess I am feeling the need to reminisce because I am not yet ready to let go of that little person that I waited my whole life to meet. I know that we will always have a special bond. I know that she will always be my only child and I her only mother. I know that part of my job is to raise a child who can go out in the world with self confidance and self-love and a sense of purpose and direction for her life. My job is to the best of my ability, to send forth a productive member of society who has much to teach and much to learn, someone who makes the world a better place just because they are... and I believe with every fiber of my being that the world IS a better place just because SHE IS.

It feels kind of like when the parents have spent years raising their kids and the youngest has finally left the nest so-to-speak. Now I know how my mother must have felt when I, and my younger sister, both got married within a couple of months of each other. My sister had lived at my parents house right up until a couple of months before her marriage, she got her own little apartment before she married just so that she could experience living on her own first. My mom cried when my sister moved out. I had left home at seventeen , so my sister was kind of like my moms last full-time mothering job. I can see now how that must have been scary for her. My mom was a stay at home mom throughout our childhood and re-entered the work force only when my sister was almost finished high school. It's not like my mom didn't have a life without my sister there, my mom had my dad, she had her job (that she loved), she had friends and a social life, my mom's life was not over when my sister grew up and left home. In some ways though I feel like my life is.

I don't mean literally that my life is over, it is just going to be so different if I am not to be a full time mom again. The other day I was speaking to a friend who said " I would be so excited at the new world that I was about to enter". EXCITED? No, I am more terrified than anything. She pointed out that now I could pursue whatever job it was that I wanted without having to worry about taking care of Devilteen. Yeah that sounds good, but I don't know what I want to do yet... I didn't think I'd have to decide that yet... I thought that my life could still be an extension of her life for the time being... WAHH...I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP YET...

I know this all sounds crazy, even to me. I am just so full of fear, of what you ask? "Of EVERYTHING", I reply...The thought of growing old and alone, the thought of having to figure out who I AM and what I WANT in life. I am afraid of starting over , even though I have successfully done just that so many times before. In some ways I feel like I am far too old to be starting back at square one. For some of you this probably sounds ridiculous, after all I am only 45. To some of you (who shall remain nameless) 45 seems so very old. I'm stuck, dammit! I wish there was a magic wand or divining rod or some other thing that could give me a direct link to God so I could say " I don't know where to go from here, I don't know what my purpose is supposed to be, HELP!!!" All I can do for today is to be open to the messages that my HP may try to send me. I do have faith that everything will be the way it is supposed to be, I just don't have an abundance of patience right now. I want answers NOW. I guess my mission is to pray for patience and the willingness to see the answer when it comes... wish me luck, please. Oh and a prayer or two couldn't hurt!

Peace out Y'all, until the next time!

ADDITIONAL SUNDAY READING (read I am really bored today!)

Apparently it only takes two people to have an AA meeting, and since I am here with me, myself and I , guess that fits the criteria! It is customary to open the meeting with a moment of silence followed by the serenity prayer , may I have that moment now please...





GOD
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (you, the weather, Devilteen...)
The courage to change the things I can (me, my thoughts, my behaviors...)
and the wisdom to know the difference...

DOH (slaps forehead!!!) I was doing so well there for a brief moment...
Hey there! My name is Lushgurl, and I AM an alcoholic! Welcome to my Sunday night ramblings and now to qualify...the very fact that I would find a loophole in order to make my own meeting should qualify me...You see I feel a little guilty that I made absolutely no attempt to hit a meeting this weekend. I don't even have a plausible excuse to cover my ass, nor do I have a reason. I just didn't go. The good news/bad news is...I actually do feel guilty. I could have made the effort, I know I would have heard something I needed to hear. I know I would have seen at least one friend who probably would have hugged me. So what did I do ? Yup, stayed home all by self, although I didn't have a pity party, and I did stalk many sober peoples' Blogs, I still feel the need to 'should' on myself...

I slept a lot this weekend, that was not too bad as I have not been feeling very well. I finished some housework that I had started so I would not feel like a total loser. I even picked up the phone and called a couple of friends. The whole weekend was not a write off. I did do things to take care of me, but man, first AA f--s up my drinking and now, it is f--ing my ability to wallow in misery too!!! What does a gurl hafta do to indulge in a good ol' fashioned pity party anyway? If the answer is DRINK or USE... Been there done that etc. and (never ceases to amaze me) I don't want to use today. Despite my best efforts to stay the same, all of the meetings I have been attending are starting to rub off into my daily affairs. THEY told me this would happen. THEY said the Promises would come true. THEY said "Keep coming Back". YEEESSH...now even if my ass is not at a meeting it seems my recovery rally still works in my life!

I am so grateful today to have a place to go and write out my feelings, and in reading other recovery blogs, I find so many others who share the same struggles as I do. This weekend especially that was a comfort to me, even though I didn't actually GO anywhere YOU all have helped me to survive myself!!! OMG...I feel the need to get sappy...I just want to thank each and everyone of you who stops by to say HI! I truly feel that I am never alone. I feel very blessed that in my darkest thoughts, there is still a glimpse of light. All I have to do is open my curtains ( read open my blog) and I feel the warmth and love of recovery enveloping me. I can choose to do something different tomorrow, and that again is thanks to YOU...

On that note , I'll end this meeting with the resposibility pledge...

When anyone, anywhere
reaches out for help
I want the hand of AA always to be there
and for that I am responsible ( cyber squeezes all your hands...)

KEEP COMING BACK, IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT!!!

A WEEKEND WITHOUT DEVILTEEN

After much discussion back and forth (read negotiating, arguing et al.) WE decided to have a separate weekend from each other. At first I was a little hurt that she actually chose not to see the mommy, that was quickly followed by anger -WHAT DO YA MEAN YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THE MOMMY?, and quickly followed by Whew! she doesn't want to see the mommy!!! It's just been a kind of rough week for me is all. I am trying really hard to do what is right for me. Along with every self-caring decision that I make I am barraged by the 'shitty committe' in my head who tell me "ooooh don't do that you might feel better, we all know that you, evil person. do not deserve to feel good". Of course there is the dreaded G-files in there too "What kind of a mother are you, not wanting your child with you on the weekend?" As if this all wasn't enough the sleeping addict has these words of wisdom for me "HEY... if SHE"S not here you could go and use, no one would know, it'll be our little secret, just one time, that would be ok..." Do any of you out there still wonder WHY I am a little, shall we say...F...D UP at times?!!!

Yup, ther is never a dull moment inside of Lushgurls head! I guess I may always have to fight the inner demons that reside in my head, but some days are better ( worse) than others. On Friday night I attend my home group of AA, but Friday Devilteen and me had a fight. I called a very wise friend who talked me through and kept me awake so I couldn't sleep through the sadness (bad bad friend!) . But alas, she also was dumping me for the night, how dare her and the spawn have colds and not feel well? I had planned to go to my meeting all by self, so I made something to eat that actually involved cooking ( kind of, it was a bagel with creme cheese and cinnamon), but then I still had a couple of hours to myself so I decided to have just a short nap....At eight p.m. I woke up, coincidence? we think not!! I COULD have gone to my meeting, after all they WOULD have started without me as I am NOT that important. But NOOO not me I chose to stay home (and the shitty committee scores a hit).

Just after nine the phone rings...it seems the Maven and her Spawn had miraculous recoveries and she went to the meeting with a coffee for yours truly, who was snoring away on her couch. The indignity of it all!! Not only did I miss my meeting, but I also missed my friend and her baby and more importantly the free coffee that I would have been given...Two points for the shitty committee! It seems that in my world, when I indulge in the poor me's I am in bad company. The potentially free coffee was the last straw though as I didn't have any milk here to make my own, and to add insult to injury, the coffee was given away to someone else who WAS at the meeting! If only I had known what I didn't know...

Well Saturday morning I was up early and decided to give Devilteen another chance at visiting. We spoke at ten and she said she would call back, but yes she wanted to come... At 2:30 I still hadn't heard anything so I called her, of course she wasn't there and according to the staff at the house, Devilteen had decided NOT to come after all. So wait by the phone I did once again. At 5:00 she finally had the nerve to call me and said she would still come if I still wanted her to... AAARRRGGGHHH..... We talked, and finally Devilteen admitted that she really didn't want to come but didn't want to hurt my feelings so... I told her that she needed to trust me enough to be honest with me. It was ok if she didn't come for the weekend, it was not ok to assume that I would just BE here waiting for her phone call and any decision that she would make. My feelings are not her responsibility and if I am sad or angry or whatever, I will deal with it. I would rather have Devilteen be honest with me than come 'cause she feels guilty. Score one point for the Mommy!!!! Saturday evening was other wise uneventful. I got to bed at a reasonable hour and had a good sleep.

I spent the rest of Saturday stalking Blogs! I found some really great pages written by drunks like me and stopped by several to leave my two cents worth. Ya never know, I might even find a friend or two in my travels. It was kind of nice to have the place to myself. I finished the laundry I had started a couple of days ago, I read lots of stuff by other AA's, so it was almost like a meeting, and the house stayed tidy when I cleaned it. Score another point for the Mommy!!

Well here I am on Sunday, someone told me the other day that the world was my oyster ( hand movement here depicting said oyster ), so I guess my goal for today is to find my pearls! It is kind of strange to think that I can do whatever I want and not have to account to anyone. NO inner addict, that does NOT include using HA TAKE THAT and score another point for the Mommy while we are at it... I'm not sure what I will do with self today but I will be back to let you know (no, that is not a threat, it is a promise) so until I have more to say...Bye for now...

WHAT I AM GRATEFUL FOR...PARTE DEUX!

Yes my Maven it IS all about you, I just didn't have time to finish my post before you left that sno, I mean sarcastic message on the last one...

In the last eight months or so, my ego has been wounded again and again. Sometimes without the offenders meaning to and others' blatantly by insulting me. The following non-sensical post will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that
A) I am an alcoholic and my life has become unmanageable...
B) My ego is often bigger than my brain...
C) Those unfortunates who choose to call me friend are more f-ed up than I am...
D) There are actually moments that I am needed!!!

The day before yesterday I was up around 7:00, this is clearly NOT o.k. with me as it gives me more time to reflect on the sad, sad state of my so-called-life. A friend had called me to go and visit, which was all good on paper, but said friend whom I love dearly, has many gremlins, whom I also love dearly. She also has two cats, a dog, and a husband (see earlier mention for the love thing!). The point is that I enjoy going to visit, there is never a lack of excitement (read stress) at her castle, however, being the (part-time) mom of one child with no husband, I often find it just a tad overwhelming to play at her place. In true Lushgurl form though I agreed to the visit provide I could grab a quick nap first... I knew I would need the energy to survi...I mean fully enjoy the experience!

At 2:00 I was rudely awakened from a dream I was having where Brad and George were fighting to see who would win my heart. It was a beautiful dream and so close to my real life that I wanted to see it through to the end! Yes and in this dream I had a beautiful teenaged daughter who loved me so much thay she didn't date or take off wit da g-friends on Saturday nights. She voluntarily did all of her homework, kept her room tidy and washed dishes without being asked! Oh and I was a long-legged natural blond with perfect-perky breasts!!! So the phone rang and the Maven said "Are you still sleeping?, I guess we'll have to post pone our visit because we really won't have time now..." HMMMPPHHH Interrupted from my fantasy to do what? Nothing! So I went back to sleep for a couple more hours after I had eaten much chocolate, to ensure that my winter store of fat does not diminish leaving me vulnerable to the cold and stuff!!

Wednesday morning I was up early too, but not as early as Tuesday. I received another phone call from a friend. This friend though, I wasn't quite sure I recognized. She was feeling overwhelmed with her life and the long list of chores that faced her each and every morning and this child of hers who is , shall we say, quite spirited, and a pretty newly arrived baby, and 'what was that?' It almost sounded for a brief moment there that she may have been intending to ask for help? Naw this couldn't be the Maven... she can do it all... Super-mom (with saintly patience) , Super- wife ( hot in bed and understanding of her man's whimsical mid-life I think I'll go back to school fantasies), Super-friend (with many loyal followers to vie for her attentions). Nope , didn't sound like the Maven that I prayed to nightly and strived to be more like in my daily life! So I ignored the whining poor mes that I heard faintly over the phone and said, let me get dressed, then you can come get me and we'll go play in your castle for the day...

LUSHGURL to the rescue. You see I, myself, have not been feeling that great about some of my life's work of late. I had just received word that my inconsiderate Devilteen might not want to return to this 'ghetto hole that I call home'. I haven't yet had the confidence or the motivation to look for a job, and no one, not even the guest of honour showed up at my monthly pity-party! As further proof of how much I suck, the partying goes on and the local watering holes that I used to frequent, the liquor store did not claim bankruptcy after I stopped shopping there and I can't redeem retroactive Air miles for the years I drank before I got my Air miles card!

THEY say, in the program that service to others is a crucial part of our recovery after we have managed to get and stay, clean and sober. Nobody told me that BEFORE I joined the program! It seems that the best way to stay healthy is to give back a little of what we have been so freely given. We even recite a little thing where we pledge to be there for another suffering alcoholic (must have been in the fine printing that no one ever bothers to read). Well, I guess that since people have been there for me I could be there for them. Of course it took a little convincing on my part as my friend often has difficulty accepting help, I've had to beat on her a couple of times just to open the door for her... I know, I know, even with the spawnling in a car seat, the diaper bag over your shoulder, bags of shopping items and a tray containing Timmy's coffees, you are quite capable of opening a stupid door...

While I was getting ready for this experiment of human cruelty, I made a decision. YES ME, ALL BY SELF, I made a decision to tidy up the castle at least a little) to cook dinner ( including dessert) and just kinda BE there for my friend who needed a little cheering up. Of course I only did it so that I could brag on my Blog about how great I am. Purely selfish motive I swear! The thing is after a really good and busy day, I just really wanted to go home and eat chocolate but that was not to be. As punishment for my selfless generousity, I was bought a coffee and brought to an AA meeting! THE NERVE! So here we are on a Thursday morning and I receive the morning phone call from a cheerful not-so-stressed friend to thank me! No,no, thank YOU. I feel better now. I've cleaned out the bird's cage , swept and mooped my kitchen floor, sorted laundry which is now ready to wash and even had time to Blog. See what goes around comes around. I don't think her children died from food poisoning, I feel better, she feels better, and hey, maybe someday in the not so distant future we can do this all over again. Thank you again for making my day my friend...Love ya lots (and before I go, thanks to the spawn who never ceases to bring a joy to my heart, a smile to my face, and barf to my clothing LOL)

WHAT I AM GRATEFUL FOR

Today is my oldest cats' birthday. She is eleven years old that would be seventy-seven in human years, but she still thinks she is a young cat! She is a tramp like I have never seen, whenever someone comes to the house Trampcat thinks the human is there to visit HER. She 'talks' to anyone who will listen. Sometimes I think she is saying what a bad human I am... clearly she is starving to death, I mean her belly Barely reaches the ground! The shiny black coat is still soft like a kittens' but I don't brush it enough. As proof of my neglect, Trampcat will start knocking her brush off the coffee table to remind me "Hey stupid human, pay attention to ME!!" She is worse than a child in many ways, she won't 'go' in the cat box if she thinks it's not clean enough. She loves to go outside even in the winter, but no sooner do I let her out and sit down, she is scratching at the door to come back in.So I get up to let her in, she'll go and have two bites of cat food, then proceed to the back door to go out again... When she is in the house she will 'yell' at me to pick her up and cuddle her, then 'yell' at me to put her down. This busy life she leads is of course exhausting and she must take many naps to get her beauty sleep. The act of napping is in itself exhausting so she then must nap so she'll have enough energy for the next nap! This is my life!

My other cat is an unneutered male. He is a beautiful tabby cat called Toughguy. When Toughguy was a kitten we could call him to come to our rescue and kill bugs... that's how he got his name. He had a lot of spunk in those early years of kittenhood. He could leap in the air and catch a fly in his paws. If Trampcat annoyed him, he would hide and leap out at her with his little back arched, hissing and spitting, it was quite cute. In his older days though he has become somewhat of an embarassment to tomcats, people that knew me for years didn't know that I had two cats. Whenever the doorbell would ring Toughguy would run up the stairs to hide under a bed! Then there are the nights when he doesn't come home, I guess he's out 'tommin' or something! Eventually when he returns, he'll have his hair all matted , scratches on his face and smelling kind of funky, I guess this is proof of his Maleness. In typical man form he will then go to feast and proceed to fall asleep for hours or days on end!!

I love these two with all my heart, they have been here for me when I felt so alone. They give me a sense of purpose in life when all seems bleak and overwhelming. They drive me crazy on a regular basis but I couldn't imagine life without them. And there is nothing like petting a kitty until it purrs, you can't get that kind of validation from a dog. I guess I'll keep them, and before I forget... HAPPY 11th BIRTHDAY TRAMPCAT, MOMMY LOVES YOU!

As if two cats were not enough work, last year Devilteen and I were given a Budgie for Christmas. He was the cutest little thing and quickly showed us that he too belonged in this house of lunatics. Who'd a thunk a budgie could have so much personality? Yes, he is a boy and his name is Jenny, actually the name was chosen by Devilteen before we even got him, and once her mind was made up there was no changing it! I should say the origin of the name was from two friends of ours--Lenny and Jay-- so the combination of course was Jenny, and no it was not the first choice...Devilteen wanted to call our budgie LAY!!! I'm sorry, call me mean, but I just couldn't inflict that indignity even on a bird! In the spring time (actually around Easter) t.v. has a commercial for Cadbury creme eggs, you know the one where the bunny clucks like a chicken? Well, our little Jenny bird learned to imitate this...it's hilarious, a little bluish budgie clucking like a chicken! If I happen to be in another room and he can't see me, Jenny will start chirping really loudly until I come back! There is never a quiet day at my house with one cat meowling, one cat wailing and the budgie clucking away!!!

Yes all in all I am grateful today for my pets, they make me laugh, Trampcat comforts me if I cry, toughguy loves to be with me on the couch and 'sucks' his baby blanket and Jenny sings to me all day long! If I'm feeling lonely, I just have to look around, there are living creatures with me everyday. Unlike Devilteen, who hasn't yet decided if she wants to come back home, my other babies will not grow up and leave the nest! Anyway I am still bigger than all three of them put together and I just won't open the door to LET them leave!!! I like the feeling that I am needed, and I like that they don't really talk back to me, although Trampcat does try really hard! I think I'll keep them ! So in closing I want to say that I am very lucky to have three great pets who love me and who I love, no matter how they drive me crazy some days!

I BROKE MY ARM PATTING MY BACK!

I was so proud of the hard work that I had done fixing up my Blog, and so busy patting myself on the back, that I hadn't checked to see if everything was working. That's what happens when I try to run the show! My Higher Power usually steps in with His irony and says "You think you're all that and a bag of BBQ ruffles do you? Well watch this!" Yes My GUY has a sense of humour all right!... Just sometimes I wish it wasn't at MY expense! It seems that although I think my Blog looks beautiful, my links aren't all working... typical in my life, It looks good on the outside, but you go a little deeper only to find the flaws. BOO HOOO...I suck at Blog-making! Never fear my friends as I have enlisted the help of a near-perfect Blogger to fix what's wrong (with my Blog). I hope she doesn't catch on to the near-perfect Blogger comment, she might tell me to DIY!!!

I don't have much time to write, I have an appointment at one... don't worry I have lots to tell you, and maybe by the time I add to my post the magical Blog fairy will have visited and fixed stuff, or maybe not, but in any case, I will be back...

That was quick huh? It is about four p.m. now , I got back a while ago and proceeded to read/comment on my blog-fixes, then go to mine to check on it...To my dismay the Magical Blog Fairies I alluded to earlier have not yet fixed my Blog links! Oh well guys, you'll just have to stay and read my ramblings... Speaking of which...

Is it just me, or does the following seem somehow wrong... First a brief history lesson, for those of you who don't know. Almost two years ago my Devilteen was removed from my care as I was caught up in a drug/alcohol addiction. She was in a foster home for a while and then was moved to a group home. Of course she hated it, and it broke my heart to not have her with me, but not enough to get clean (that took some time on my part). Eventually I was able to kick the demons out of my life and am now on the road to recovery, the thing is, I had to do it for ME, not Devilteen. At first all I could think of was getting her back (home), but as anyone in recovery can attest to, we have to find it in ourselves to get clean for US, or it all will be for naught.

I fought with Children's Aid, I lied to everyone that I had quit using, all the while thinking my outrage was justified, anyone who knew me also knew how much I loved my daughter... I gathered soldiers to fight on MY team. " Devilteen should be with you" they would tell me! "Children's Aid sucks the big hairy one" and of course " Everyone smokes dope and drinks, what's the big deal?" The BIG DEAL was that I am an alcoholic. I had been clean and sober for quite some time and then Devilchild became a teenager! As a single mom with one or two issues (LOL) I found it hard to cope with the new and improved Devilchild. I had taught her all her life that it was o.k. to say NO! to adults--- I guess she didn't get the unspoken part that was ---But NOT to your mother!!! We engaged in many a battle during those early years.... 'Going to school IS NOT optional unless you are bleeding to death or otherwise incapacitated. NO you cannot wear the Hoochie top to school, it is not in the dress code! You may not stay out until 10:00 at night just because your friends are doing it, and on and on.

The more I tried to set limits, the more she fought back. It got worse until I started not fighting with her to make her come home after school and chasing her down every single night. I thought I was doing the right thing, but in my heart I had given up, being a mom was hard work, and when the child has a strong personality and the mom lacks self-esteem....It was disasterous for everyone. So I did what every alcoholic does best, I started drinking again (for you earthlings this probably seems like pouring gas on a fire, but in my mind at the time, it made perfect sense). I didn't actually start with alcohol, first it was a little 'herb' here and there to calm me down, that way when Devilteen decided to come home for the night I wouldn't feel the need to scream at her or kill her and bury her in the garden! The weed eventually led me to alcohol, at first just a drink here and there, because I deserved to 'have a life' too. The child was out who knew where and I was not going to sit at home waiting for her, so I started partying with some friends(?). I know it's all good in theory, but the point is an alcoholic can NEVER safely drink.

In October of '04 I had started a new job, I loved it and was very good at it, but it was working in a bar, the job was not bar-work, but the Deli I worked in WAS in a bar... it wasn't a classy bar either. It was the kind of place that had been around for years, don't get me wrong, there were alot of great people there, but also some , shall I say, questionable types. I of course found myself drawn to the more questionable, like the ones who had cocaine and the ones who did smoke dope and very quickly found myself back in a life that I had worked so hard to crawl out of. To the detriment of my own self, but more so to the detriment of my beautiful daughter who had always been the priority in my life. And so the CAS was called and they took away my child and I didn't want to live anymore , but I could live without her as long as I had my booze and drugs, not a fair trade I know, but again at the time it made sense to me.

By March of '06 I was starting to realize that if I ever wanted to have my child live with me again, I would have to quit doing what I was doing. For me that included leaving the job that I loved so much because it just wasn't a good place for me to work. I tried to quit drinking and smoking, but it was just too much for me to fight on my own. Eventually I made a call which would help to save my life, I went to an intensive treatment program for drugs and alcohol. I finally got clean and sober on June 2 , 2006, and have been since then. So the unfairness of life is that...Devilteen could have come home at Christmas but wanted to finish out her school year where she was ( a town about an hour away from where I live). Of course I supported this decision, it did hurt but who wants to change schools in the middle of a school year? Way to go mommy!! I actually put my childs needs ahead of MY wants.

WE (being CAS, Devilteen and myself) decided that after school ended we could begin the re-integration process, that would mean that Devilteen could be 'home' by June or so. I could do that. I would be sober a year by that time. I could have a new job by then. We could both deal with the problems my relapse had caused and be on the road to healing by June. Yup, life was good after over two years of living apart my 'baby' was coming home.... Well I've asked this question before "What happens when an alcoholic makes plans?" You guessed it! Devilteen has other plans, of course, she IS the child of an alcoholic after all!!!

It would seem that in all of her not-yet-sixteen-wisdom that she may not WANT to come back home....WHAT??? Yes indeedy, there is such a thing as assisted living for children who have been in CAS care and are sixteen and over. A wonderful plan really- FOR ANYONE ELSE'S KID!!! But really, they set the child up in a rented place ,not really their own place, but more independance than in a group home. They give each child money for food and clothing, pay their rent, and if the child wants to, they will even pay for college. WHO MADE THIS PLAN UP??? I guess to a teenager this would seem like heaven on earth, no parents to account to, or tell them to do their (nasty) homework, no one to tell them what time to go to bed or what boy to not date. Yup, to an almost sixteen year old -um let's see go back to moms and moms rules and moms nagging OR go out on MY OWN with someone else paying the bills and No One to tell me to clean my room , tough choice, but sorry mom You Suck, and I'm practically grown now and....

OOOOFFFF, that my friends, is the sound of her fist hitting my gut! Devilteen dropped the wonderful little bomb on me at the beginning of this past weekend, she couldn't wait until the end of the weekend! Of course nothing has been decided for sure, she is just thinking about her options at this point...WHO THE HELL TOLD HER THAT SHE HAD CHOICES? Oh yeah, that would be ME. The woman who suffered through thirty hours of labour to deliver the child who didn't want to be born! She ended up being born by C-sec, 'cause she just wouldn't get out!!! I've gotten clean and sober (read for you), I am much better as a person (and a mother). Heck, I even totally re-decorated your bedroom in hot pink and black for you, and you might not WANT to come home?

I have been passing back and forth between deep sadness and anger and a bit of 'well, the NERVE of her!' I can't in all good conscience MAKE her come back, that would kind of defeat the purpose of teaching her to do what is right for her. I can't trade her in for a more compliant child ( the warranty has long since expired) , I can't kill her and bury her in the garden-the ground is still frozen... So I guess I have to accept whatever decision Devilteen makes and *GULP* be supportive of her. Boy it really sucks to be me sometimes! I will, of course, update you as more information becomes available. I may just have to make the best of it. I may just have to actually GET a new life including a new job and apartment . I may just have to survive the assault on my ego and move on. What a concept...acceptance of something I can not change! Well now that you are all caught up , I think I'll go have supper, I'm starving, and I actually don't feel like stuffing my face with chocolate ( will wonders never cease) See y'all later!!! ]

Before I forget...Yesterday was 15 months since I quit using cocaine...YAY ME!!!

I ROCK THE BLOG WORLD...

Well at long last and with lots of help from Devilteen, I have made some changes to my Blog! I've changed the template--- you DID notice right? I also managed to add links to my page for your reading pleasure! As if that wasn't enough I put in a picture, no it is not actually a picture of me, but I can so relate to Eeyore and his "gloomy, gloomy day" attitude that I thought I'd share my space with him! The suspense is killing me, do you love it? As you may have noticed I kept basically the same colours but just jazzed it up a bit to make it a little more interesting, not that the posts themselves are not interesting, but it's kind of like a hook, you know, when something catches your eye so you stop to take a closer look?

I am indeed very proud of my new accomplishments. MUCHOS KUDOS to me!! By the way the saying 'Muchos Kudos" is borrowed from another Blog Buddy of mine...Brooklin Frank... check him out, he's on my links list. Apparently Frank has been trying to get this catcchy little phrase into the mainstream vocabulary and I, being the good friend that I am, will help him in this regard! I've always been just a little, shall we say 'outside the box'. I remember way back in the very early nineties, I had just moved to Toronto after spending two months in NYC. Well in NYC everybody was totally into the Peter Gabriel video called...BIG TIME! Well when I got to Toronto I started saying Big Time to everything and before I knew it, the phrase had caught on. So come on folks, let's see how long it takes to hear 'Muchos Kudos" said all over the place. It has a catchy kind of a ring to it and can be used in a variety of situations... check back through my other postings, you'll find it inserted in all kinds of ways. You are welcome Frank.

And now, on to other news and exciting business in Lushgurls world...actually there really isn't too much else new and exciting today!! Being a Sunday, the power struggle is on between me and Devilteen to see if she will work on homework, I think she is winning this battle though. Since she woke up at noon, Devilteen has eaten breakfast, taken a shower , called two people on the phone, had some lunch, tidied up her bedroom, brought her bag downstairs so she is ready to leave at six...um, am I forgetting anything? Oh yeah of course she took about a half hour to help me with my new Blog stuff! Right now it is about three thirty, and NO the homework has not been touched!!! AAAHHH....CALGON TAKE ME AWAY! Oh and Muchos Kudos to the Devilteen for being THE most imaginative when it comes to finding anything-else-under-the-sun-to-do-besides-homework!

Yup, it always amazes me how one can find a million things to do when one is avoiding an unpleasant task. I am not just taking Devilteens' inventory here, I myself have also been guilty of procrastination from time to time. Don't you DARE bring up the not-looking-for-a-job-thing as an example, OUCH, the truth hurts! She DID NOT get her penchant for procrastination from ME, all of her character defects have been gleaned from Thedonors' (BTW if you hadn't figured it out, Thedonor is my baby'sdaddy) gene pool. Devilteens imagination and creativity have come from my side of the family! Yes it is true all of her good qualities have been passed on from my grandmother to my mother to me and to Devilteen and someday on to Her children. The character defects are all direct descendants of Thedonors' family... like her need to be so dramatic and the quick- draw temper and of course the procrastination, yup that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Well, I hate to do it, but I have to go 'encourage' my child to do some of her homework. I've been busy playing free-on-line computer games, changing the look of my blog and then of course posting on said blog... I'm not avoiding the helping the child with her homework, I'm just trying to avoid another arguement (this does not count as procrastination!!!)

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST, OH MY!!!

I have a tough time feeding myself properly. I've always had problems with food, everything from anorexia to bulimia and everything in between. Lately though, I've been living on junk. Barbeque ruffles are a typical dinner for me and breakfast has generally been anything I can cram in my mouth while I'm making a coffee! Funny how I've taught my child all about nutrition to the point where she loves vegetables ( brussel sprouts, asparagus and broccoli are some of her favorites!), and I being the older, wiser mommy am eating cookies for breakfast. Being Lushgurl, I feel the need to deflect the blame from the person who is actually at fault and place it squarely on anothers' shoulders. So let's see... the winner of today's game of "Take the Blame" is... the media!

Yeah, that's the ticket! Everywhere we are surrounded by 'utimate' beauty, of course most of these people have been air brushed and tweaked to the point where I'm sure the end result bears little resemblance to the original person. But still look around...billboards, magazines, television commercials, and let's not forget the endless string of beautiful people we see at all the award shows (which by the way ALL seem to air right after Christmas when I've put on weight from eating treats!!) I know that celebreties have an abundance of resources to help them achieve their perfect bodies what with personal trainers, botox and other cosmetic surgeries. They have the money to buy the best clothes and make-up not to mention their 'people' who dress them and do their hair and...I know that often the images that are portrayed have taken hours to acheive, but just for ONE DAY I'd like to feel like they look!

It seems so unfair that I, being one of the truly "beautiful" people cannot leave the house without 'my face' on. I DO believe that beauty comes from the inside out but reality , in it's irony, makes those who meet us see the outsides first. I seem to do much better in the summer time, the cloths are a little more revealing so I try harder to stay fit. The warm weather ensures that I will be outside more often and of course I am more active, gardening, bike riding and going for long walks everyday. I guess I am looking for yet another quick fix... I used to be able to drop 10 pounds in three or four days, I used to be able to scarf down a whole pizza and not gain any weight. Ah but age and years of abusing my body through starvation and laxatives, have ensured that I will always struggle with my body image.

I start every new day with the best of intentions. I make a decision to eat better foods and MOVE my body around, but lately it's been really hard. I think I'm eating my feelings ( since I don't have booze or drugs anymore), I just haven't yet figured out what feelings I am trying to hide from. My goal for today is to be conscious of what I am putting in my mouth, not just the mindless eating that I usually do while watching t.v. . I will of course eat better foods as Devilteen will be here for the weekend so I have to be a good example and besides I enjoy cooking for (and with) her. We always sit down at the dining room table and talk and eat and you know, catch up on stuff. I get up early on the weekends too so that I can prepare a good breakfast for us, she even loves oatmeal (grits for you Americans) I'm talking the kind of oatmeal that you cook, not the packaged kind with all the extra sugar in it. I just don't understand why I cannot be more motivated to treat myself to good, nutritious food when I am not being a mommy!

Today started out somewhat better than most. A good friend dropped by with breakfast to feed me and a baby to cheer me up, I guess the rest of the day is up to me. MAN , sometimes I really dislike being responsible !!! But I AM WORTH IT!!! Once again it seems I have used you , my faithful readers, as my free therapy session. Strangely though I actually do feel better now. I can still here the chocolate chip cookies calling out to me, but I have the strength to ignore them until After my dinner! I haven't yet decided what that will be, but it will be colourful, nutritious and delicious and shared with my favorite Devilteen. Peace out for now!

I DON'T CONTROL THE UNIVERSE?

It seems that before I even awoke today I managed to piss off a friend! I didn't do it on purpose, Heck I didn't think that anything I could say would have that kind of power over others. boy was I wrong. The thing is, I like to inject humour into my day, I feel that it is better to laugh than to cry ( but that is the subject of another post!) as I was saying I like to laugh! I do or say things at times which apparently aren't funny to me but others find amusing, it's all good, I'll entertain you at my expense, Lord knows I've probably laughed at YOU before. Now see I've digressed from my point yet again! Um, yeah... when I woke up (I dreamt that the phone was ringing and it was but I didn't know that 'cause I was sleeping???) But I checked the phone and sure enough there was indeed a message waiting for me.

I don't know about you, but often when I call someone and get the answering machine, I don't feel like leaving a message. There was a time , not that long ago, there weren't even answering machines. When we made a call and the targe- I mean object of our call was not home, the phone just rang and rang. You could actually put the phone down and walk away and say, pick it up an hour later and the dang thing would still be ringing if the person you were trying to call had not answered it yet. Today it is a whole different ball game (hey that reminds me, I can't wait for baseball to start again!) the phone thing I mean. It is actually quite difficult to speak to a real person it seems. You call anywhere only to get that annoying telephone answereing lady " Your call is important to us- --then answer the damn phone---if you are calling to pay a bill press #1, if you wish to reach the company directory press#2 ---but I don't KNOW who I want to reach---if you are calling for the hours of operation press #3---AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! What if I just want to speak to an actual HUMAN???

It is SSOOO frustrating! My point.. ha ha, I almost forgot! is that when someone calls me I don't want them to be angry that I am unable to answer the phone at that particular moment. If I am home but say indisposed, I like to say out loud to the ringing phone- as if the person calling me can hear me- Uh I can't get that right now! Sometimes if I've been out or sleeping, I won't even realize that someone has called and left a message because I don't have a light that blinks or call display or anything like that. People will say to me somewhat accusingly "didn't you GET my message?" " NO" I reply innocently , because I am in fact innocent of the alleged crime! " I haven't used the phone today so I didn't realize you called". Well in order to deflect the anger I try to leave witty out-going messages on my phone. (note that I actually GOT to my point before the end of this Blog-Muchos Kudos to me!!!)

This new year my out-going says , and this is not a direct quote 'cause I don't call myself and I don't remember exactly what I said... I can't take your call blah blah blah Have a year, you can decide what KIND of year to have!!! Little did I know that I was responsible for deciding the fate of your entire year! So this morning after my dream about the phone ringing which wasn't actually a dream ( get with the program, I've already explained this to you). So I am barraged with an angry soon to be ex-friend (JK) saying basically how dare you imply that I can choose the fate of my year, you are supposed to say Happy New Year! I beg to differ, former friend! WHERE does it SAY that I have to say 'Happy New Year"?

Funny , I used to get the same response from Devilteen when she was going to school! Some mornings were um, challenging, so as she would be leaving I would say " Bye, I love you, Have a Day"... and she wouldn't leave!!! Why ? Because I didn't say " Have a good day!" Honestly! I don't know where these people get off trying to make ME responsible for their day or their year . I AM NOT the ruler of the universe! If I were the ruler of the universe muwahhahahaha... well I don't even know what I would do, oh yeah, here's an idea, I'd give YOU ALL free will to choose the kind of day or year that you would have... HEY wait a minute, you already Have free will to choose the kind of... HEY maybe I am the ruler of the universe! On that note I bid you all a DAY!

MONDAY SNOWY MONDAY!

Here we are half way through January and it seems that someone turned the winter on! I couldn't believe it when I got up this morning, out of nowhere we have about three inches of snow! It really is kind of pretty though, I only wish we could have had a little at Christmas, WHO SAID THAT? Wow, take away a Canadians' winter weather, and look what happens! ME, Lushgurl, I actually missed the snow at Christmas, go figure. I am SO not a winter person, I was born in the heat of August, my child was born in July, I basically would just hibernate the winters away in the past. Funny how I have found that I actually miss the white stuff when there is none (I mean SNOW!!!) I am awfully grateful to live in a place that experiences seasons too, I can't imagine not seeing the beautiful colours of the leaves in the fall. Although the spring rains wreak havoc on my hair, I look forward to the melting snow and the emergence of new life in my garden. I love the heat of the summer, laying out in the sun reading a great book and then the fall comes, how boring would life be without the ever-changing seasons?

It's the kind of day where I am grateful thet I don't have to leave the house, I'm going to wait until the snowplow goes by and then I think I'll take a walk. I feel lucky in a small way that I am not working today as I don't have to battle the traffic and all the crazy drivers who seem to forget what it is like to drive in the winter. I don't mean this as a criticism, I know it is always a little bit of a shock when the first snowfall comes and we have to remind ourselves to leave a little earlier to get where we're going. Slowing down is always a good plan too, but in this day of 'gotta-get-to-the-red-light-faster-than-anyone-else' people seem to forget that winter driving takes more care than say summer driving or say the Indie 500! Yeah, I'm glad I don't have to drive anywhere today!

Talking of driving...I sure do miss it! I haven't owned a vehicle for quite some time and I love just cruisin'. I tell myself that I am holding out for when I can afford my dream car (another Mustang, either red or blue with a rag top and standard drive...and the license plate will say "sicchik"). the truth is though that considering I am not presently gainfully employed ,having any car is not too likely! It's o.k. though, this will not be forever, I will find employment soon, my wish list is getting longer by the day and although I made out quite well at Christmas, I definately still have a few items left on the list. I guess I'll have to take matters into my own hands and do what EVERYONE else is doing ( I so hate conforming!) I'll have to find me one of those job-thingys and buy MY OWN stuff!! SHEESH, I don't remember being told that I'd have to grow up, let alone grow up AND work for a living!! I kinda always thought that when (read if) I grew up I would be swept away by a knight on a white horse who would take care of my every need and indulge my every whim and...oh never mind...it seemed better in my dreams!!!

I still haven't decided what I want to do with my life. I'm kind of stuck I guess. I've done the married thing quickly followed by the divorce thing. I've had the child thing, although she's not yet grown, we're still working on that. I've had the job security thing where I worked at the same place for eleven years and made a lot of money but hated the job. Today I just don't want to do any old thing, I don't mind being poor, but I will not be unhappy at my job too. Life is far too short to get stuck in a job just because it pays the bills, all the perks in the world do not make up for the dread of going to a place that one hates for eight hours every single day.Who in their right mind would choose to live like that? OOOPS, sorry folks, I know ALOT of people who do just that everyday, all I'm saying is, that is not how I want to live my life today.

It seems another day has flown by, I started Blogging this morning but had to catch up on my readings. Of course after the readings I felt I should post witty and/or thoughtful comments. After that I spoke to a friend on the phone who explained to me how to title my posts properly (how many times have I told you I am computerly challenged?) After gleaning the new information I went about the task of titling all of my entries because you never know when the Blog Police will be out checking to see if I am 'keeping up with Blog-Jones'!! Of course the nature of my inadequacey on the computer inadvertantly erased all of my Blog-link-buddies, sorry 'bout that ! I promise to rebook time with the Maven to get the links back up, just remember, some of us are better at some things than others and this whole computer thing just has me baffled for the most part! I will NEVER EVER get one of those web-cams that's for sure, it's bad enough having to explain to y'all how ungeeky I am without allowing the world to view my inadequacies as they are being performed!!! On that note I think I'll go for now before I accidentally delete something else!

SUNDAY ALREADY?

It always amazes me how fast time flies by. It feels like yesterday was Friday and here it is Sunday already! For some of us the weekends go even faster, like, say you are a teenager who sleeps til two in the afternoon, time must really whiz by then...and I being the evil mommy that I am didn't even let the Devilchild sleep in this morning. She was rudely awoken at the unGodly hour of twelve noon!!! Sure sucks to be her huh? She just doesn't get that I actually WANT to spend time with her since we only have the weekends and they just disappear never to be seen again!

I do remember being younger though, and sleep was like ever so sweet. As a teen myself I would love to sleep until noon, and that was before I started drinking! When I was in my twenties I worked the three to eleven shift for years so I was never an early riser then either. I freely admit to not being a morning person although one of the best summers I had was working at an outdoor market. We had to be there at six a.m. and worked until six p.m. Granted they were long hours, but I really enjoyed being awake and out in the fresh air, I even had the energy to have a social life too! I have been getting better in my older years though, I usually get up between eight and eight thirty, considering I am not working and don't have to get the child up for school, I figure I'm doing pretty good.

So here we are on a Sunday afternoon and my day will include trying to get Devilteen to do all the homework that she brought with her this weekend! This really sucks because she had pinky swore to me that she would get about 75% of it done by Saturday and then we could hang out and play scrabble or do anything else fun for the remainder of her visit. So as usual I have to BE THE MOM and make sure that the homework gets done, after all that is part of my job isn't it? Oh I know I could just let it go and hope that the child does the right thing. Maybe I will try that. My problem is that I get frustrated watching her do nothing and knowing how bad she will feel about herself if another Monday appears out of nowhere and no assignments have been completed. I am working on letting go of the guilt, Devilteen's homework is NOT my responsibility...didn't we just HAVE this conversation???

I made a decision to keep myself busy this afternoon. I offered to help Devilteen with her assignments, but was clear that I would not do it for her. I kind of feel bad for her though because I know that she has a hard time staying focused and gets easily distracted, oh and frustrated quickly too. I can kind af relate to that, there are times when my concentration leaves much to be desired, but these days I blame it on menopause. I blame the forgetfulness on menopause too. At least I am not as easily irritated or as quick to anger as I was not that long ago, otherwise there might have been Devilteen guts on the floor today!

This morning we had called a friend to invite her over. Well she was busy so we left the invitation open for the afternoon. I would have loved the visit I was baking so I had treats to offer, I had been reading my 'Big Book', so I was feeling quite relaxed, but when the phone call came Devilteen's eyes got just a little too shiny! I know she had been working on her homework, but I also knew that a distraction at that point would have been the end of the studies for the day. Well, the nerve of ME! When Devilteen realized that I was revoking the invite, she lost it!! I did feel bad but I am working so hard at setting boundaries with my child that I felt I couldn't back down. Limits are good and consequences teach us to be more responsible. As I was being assaulted with quite the colourful expletives, I managed to keep my cool. When the bedroom door upstairs slammed shut I went into the kitchen to do dishes. When I heard the yelling that she wanted to leave I ignored it. Then I went upstairs and had a long hot shower!

I can see that Devilteen is really trying to control her anger ,she does not get as out of control as she used to. For my part I am doing my best to not (over)react to the insults and door slamming and general disgust for my very existence. I am not taking it personally today. I know in my heart that allowing Devilteen to manipulate me into letting her get her way is not doing her any favours in the long run. The bottom line is that life just sucks sometimes and all of us occasionally must do stuff that we'd rather not do. Who in their right mind actually enjoys doing dishes or cleaning the cat box! But we do these things anyway 'cause it feels good to be responsible, and we generally feel better after the dreaded task is completed, right?

Amazingly enough I don't even feel guilty right now. After my shower Devilteen came upstairs to ask for my help. I simply told her that I was busy taking a half hour to myself and I would be there when I was finished, the attitude came out a little when she asked " and when would THAT be?". I calmly replied that I didn't appreciate the attitude and that I might feel more motivated to help her if she was not insulting or yelling at me. I also said I would not tolerate the abuse, especially when it was not warranted. When I got downstairs she was working again. I helped her finish her research by giving suggestions on how to find stuff, I cut out some picture for her display and I helped with the layout of her project. I think that she did an excellent job and the best part is that no mothers or children were harmed in the completion of the project!!

I don't know about Devilteen, but I feel the weekend ended on a good note over all. Of course I didn't have a chance to call my friend back yet, but I did get a chance to finish my Blog that I started this morning. The house is fairly tidy, my headache has subsided to a dull thud and I still have my self respect intact because I didn't cave to the pressures of an angry teenager. I don't expect a Nobel Peace Prize and I probably won't even get a " thanks for the help Mom". But that too is o.k. today. I think Devilteen will get a really good mark on her project and I'm hoping she will fell the pride of a job well done, Maybe it will even motivate her to try harder next time! Who knows?

IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL...

Very cliche I know, but it has become increasingly apparent to me that we do indeed have more in common than I first suspected. Take for example last night. Well it actually started a week ago, well technically I could go back ten years. Never mind, I'll start with last week!

In my program of recovery one of the suggestions is that we get ourselves a sponsor. This person is supposed to obtain characteristics that we desire in ourselves. It's kind of like a mentoring thing of sorts. It is suggested that a sponsor have more sobriety than us, the kind of life that we would like, this varies from person to person, but generally falls under the category of"...if you have decided you want what we have..." . I had asked someone to be my sponsor around my first month. At first it was just a temporary thing, but I really liked this woman. She had 3 1/2 years in recovery and seemed to have a full life that included friends, a job, her children and ( important to me) serenity. So all was well for a time. The thing is though that this is not my first time in recovery, so I had ' been around' considerably longer than my sponsor, which is not always a bad thing. In my many years of not-recovery, many character defects of mine had reared their ugly heads, so I decided that what I had done before did not work and if I were to stay sober this time I needed to do something differently.

So I really loved the sponsor that I had chosen , she had been there a few times that I really needed help to get me through some rough patches. I called her just about everyday ( my way of being accountable), and she called me back frequently. The thing is that when early in recovery, I have found that I need a lot of support, in the sense that if I'm having a good day, it's not so hard to pick up the phone and reach out. Ah, but it's the not-so-good-days that have sent many an alcoholic out scrambling for something to take away the (many) uncomfortable feelings that come when the fog lifts, so to say. Our relationship was good for a time, but then I hit a bit of a rough patch. I continued to make my 'check in calls', but often would just get the answering machine. I would leave messages, but usually just say that everything was o.k. no matter how I was really feeling. As time went on though, my phone messages were not always returned as quickly as I would have liked. I realize that life gets in the way sometimes, but often it would be a couple of weeks before I heard back from my sponsor, and this is dangerous for me in recovery.

I was lucky that I had been around for a while though because I did start to connect with more people in the program developing a network of support that is so crucial to my continued sobriety. I found myself kind of sponsorless as time went by and over this past holiday, I didn't make or receive even one phone call from my sponsor. Well in the past this isolation and (seeming) rejection could have easily sent me scrambling for a quick fix. Luckily I had built a support system around me so that I didn't have to get through the tough times alone. One thing that I have come to know about me is that I need someone to call me on my crap, because I don't always see stuff while it is happening. For example if I don't check in with my sponsor for a bit, I need someone who will call ME and say "Is your finger broken?" I need a stronger person than I am to tell me I am messing stuff up if that is what is happening. If someone asks me "How are You?" and I say "Fine!" I need them to remind me that F-I-N-E means fucked-up-insecure-neurotic and emotional. Left to my own devices and character defects, I will surely drink again!

I had begun window shopping fo a new sponsor a couple of months ago. Ideally (for me) this person would be someone I saw on a fairly regular basis at meetings. I was also looking for someone who had not only more sobriety than I, but also more life experience (read older!). A few weeks ago, while I was indulging in a mini pity-party (Devilteen had decided to cut our weekend together short as she had made plans with HER FRIENDS hmph- how dare she!!!) Anyway while I was stuck in the poor-mes, my child would rather hang wit the g-friends than with the woman who gave birth to her and loves her more than anyone, this woman in my home group said "It's not always about YOU, you know!!!" OUCH! Boy that was a short sweet poor me indulgance! I was kind of thinking that maybe the world did in fact revolve around me and my needs and my feelings... I repeat- OUCH! Being a little slow at times, it took me about another week to realize that this woman was not going to let me manipulate her into attending my pity party with me. In one fell swoop, she had made me realize that I AM NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD talk about a reality check. Any sympathy at that point (although well meaning) would have given me permission to stay in the sad , sad place where my own kid didn't love me, and I might have been sunk!!

Suffice it to say that today I have a new sponsor. I asked her last week after our Friday night meeting and she said YES! I know HER sponsor who has been around for a few 24 hours (that would be my grand-sponsor) and I see this woman weekly at our group so keeping in touch will not be as challenging. We've decided to meet every week or two before the meeting to touch base and this week SHE called ME to set up our meeting! So let's tally up the votes here 1) She calls me on my shit 2) She calls me to set up a meeting if I haven't called her and 3) She just happens to be the landlord of the man who I thought was THE ONE and broke my heart not once, not twice but three times!!! ( this would be the small world factor that I alluded to in my opening). So in the line of thought that says nothing happens in His world by accident do you think lushgurl has a new sponsor today? Ding, ding, ding tell the lovely lady what she has won! Yup it seems that I do have a new sponsor and we are talking about life and how it relates to the program and I know that she will help me to be accountable, so all in all, I think a good match. More will be revealed... Bye for now loyal followers!

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

So I've been doing my best to keep up with my Blogging, I know how all of you look forward to reading my newest musings. I must say though I am feeling a little disappointed lately... My fellow Blogerellas, it seems have become (dare I say) LAZY in this new year! Every morning I get up, usually around 8:30, and I go on-line to look for the latest entries of some of my favorite Blogs (kudos to the Maven who finally had the time to put links to said favorites on MY Blog!). The point is that for the most part I have not seen any new postings since Tuesday! What's up with that?Don't you all realize that in my jobthingyless, childless, world today, I practically salivate at the thought of reading about all the exciting lives of my G-friends...Get on it Gurls!!

I don't know about you, but I am a big fan of Ellen Degeneres. I have been watching her show faithfully since I discovered she was on about three years ago. I used to watch with a G-friend every morning. We would have a coffee and a joint and watch together while I got ready for work, yeah I know (ready for work???). Yes, that WAS our routine. I no longer smoke dope and my friend and I had a falling out shortly thereafter and then she moved so...I continue the morning tradition all by self- minus the joint, the job and the G-friend! But I have left my point yet again, surprised? You shouldn't be this is Lushgurl, after all! My point IS -I e-mailed Ellen back in Nov. or Dec. of last year and I haven't heard back from her. What's up with that?

I thought I had written a brilliantly heart felt letter about my cousin Supermom, who shares the same birthday with Ellen, January 26. For the last few years Ellen has shared her birthday by inviting people with the same to her show, it's very cool. Last year while I was watching I was moved to tears, she had flown all kinds of people to L.A. to attend a taping of her birthday show. The party was complete with balloons, cake and prizes for all, it was really quite beautiful. I cried also because Supermom was in a hospital in Toronto fighting for her very life, Happy Birthday to her! Supermom had battled colitis for most of her life and last year was diagnosed with colon cancer. She went for surgery followed by chimo and they thought they had got it all. But then out of the blue her kidneys and liver shut down. As if she had not already endured enough, Supermom had to be air lifted to T.O. to await a kidney/liver transplant. She was literally within a few days of death (the doctor said two) when the required organs became available. Thank you God!

Supermom, in true Supermom form though, never complained. She didn't go to the poor-mes place where I surely would have taken up residence. No , not Supermom, she came home full of gratitude for the new lease on life that she had been given. She asked the doctor when she would be able to return to her work as an RNA. She continued to love her family and friends and just got on with her life. Amazing! Anyway I thought for sure that when Ellen heard this story and how Supermom spent her 47th birthday in a hospital in a strange city not knowing if there would be a 48th, that Ellen might invite her to spend this B-day in L.A. I haven't heard anything though. What's up with that?

Not one to give up that easily when it comes to fighting for others, I am not yet daunted by the seeming rejection. This week on Ellen, she gave out the phone number on the show... Silly gurl...I don't think she thought her many fans would actually write it down, let alone USE the number! Note to Ellen* You gravely underestimate the power of your charisma! Not to be left out, I too, wrote down the number and attempted to call the show, to no avail though. So I had planned to send another e-mail today... Well here HE goes working in my life again! The response to the phone-number-giving-out-in-the-monologue-incident was indeed overwhelming. Thousands of fans just like me had called the show apparently jamming up the phone lines throughout the building where it is taped! So Ellen gave out a NEW nuimber, a toll-free number- so that we could call anytime. Which I did! I left a short sweet message to the effect of " Hey Ellen, did ya get my e-mail?" We'll see what happens next!

And now, back to the original point of todays Blog... Hey... Is there ANYBODY out there??? Am I on team 1?? (See the Maven's post 'Bitch Olympics") I am feeling alone and rejected and really, really bored!!! Just think, as long as I have no new posts to read I will have to find other things to do to fill my many empty hours in a day. Of course one of these things would NOT be looking for employment ( that would make too much sense), but alas, I have an answer, I'll just Blog more!!! If you value what's left of your sanity, then You will help fill the empty hours of my so-called life by giving me what I so desire...New posts to read. Don't even TRY to ignore me, I KNOW you read MY posts because there are occasionally comments on them and I didn't write them myself. Oh yeah, I may have written some of them... Anyway...I know where to find YOU...I'll just look in all the Timmy's and Fourbucks and other over-priced coffee shops, oh and I'll check the links to YOUR Blogs to see if you've visited them. And, and I'll I'll cry or something... It's lonely here on Team 1!

So on that happy and hopeful (non-threatening) note I shall leave you with one final thjought "Where have all the Bloggers gone? Long time since poooosting, Where have all the Bloggers gone? long time ago...." and of course WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER BLOG!

I've been watching the Dr. Phil show on t.v. . Today they did a thing about Match.com. I find it fascinating and interesting and I really believe that there is a perfect match for everyone out there. Last week the same show was on and I got totally psyched and decided to fill out the profile on match.com, well I didn't get much farther than the basics...I don't know why.

So one part of the profile you are asked to brag about yourself a little. Sounds good in theory, however if I'm in any kind of a serious frame of mind I'd be the last person to 'sell' myself! Well the only way I'll be able to get past this fear I guess is to practice listing the great things about me that make me who I am. That being said I figure there is no better place to practice than on my own Blog! You lucky folks, you get to learn more useless information about me as I attempt to discover what exactly makes me the wonderful and wacky catch that I am!!!

So I think I have a good sense of humour, perhaps a little on the crazy side, but I tend to find humour in simple things, this has also helped me to get through the tough roads that I have travelled in life. Yeah I know, that last bit sounded a bit down, but wait, there's more!! I am a very loyal and caring friend, the people who are in my life today are important to me and I do my best to let them know this on a regular basis. Family is also a big part of my life, just ask Devilteen (my one and only child) who doesn't actually live with me full time( but that is another story in itself)---Man this is not going quite the way I had intended!

O.K.--- new plan---HEEELLLPPPP!!! I think maybe I'll have to hire someone to write my profile for me. Gee I wish I knew someone, anyone, who maybe had a flair for writing, a witty way of putting things and the ability to colour the truth in such a way that would not technically be considered lying, but just accentuating the positive...Oh where, oh where might I find such a person??? Hey, another new plan, maybe I can just hire someone to impersonate me altogether. Yeah, I kinda like the sound of that...Let's see they could write my profile, e-mail potential suitors, talk to them on the phone when "we've found each other" and maybe even go on the first date for me! OH BALLS I guess that kind of defeats the purpose of finding MY perfect match, doesn't it?

Alright, new plan screw Dr. Phil and match.com (not literally) , I just maybe think that I'm not quite ready for this dating thing. I DO want to find someone special to be with, the thought of growing old alone IS a little frightening (I'm not sure if it is more or less frightening than living with a grown-up version of Devilteen and her future family which is what SHE sees in MY future). Ah see, I've become distracted again, it's hard for me to focus sometimes is all, I am not afraid of committment or anything. Nooo not me! I'm not afraid of finding that ONE person out there who can totally love and accept me for who I am. NNNOOO not me . I'm no chickbauck bauckbauckbauckbauck....

HEY, new plan...There are probably many of you out there who actually HAVE l0ving and long lasting relationships I'll just 'work my program' yeah that oughtta do it...It says and I quote " ...If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps..." So here's the deal, YOU tell ME how you got what you wanted in life and I will DO ANYTHING to get it too, (anything that doesn't actually involve me having to talk on the phone or meet anyone in person!!!) Yeah, that oughtta do it! I guess if you don't see my (lunatic) ramblings for a while it is because HE has put someone in my life and I've finally gotten lai- uh, I mean happy!!

On that note I will sign off for now. People Your mission is clear and simple -FIGURE OUT HOW ON EARTH LUSHGURL WILL EVER DATE AGAIN. That was easy, I feel SO hopeful now! Later baby...

LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX...

My Disclaimer: The following entry may contain material that some may find offensive and is not intended to be read by younger people. Remember that this is MY opinion only, I ask ,if you would, to read with an open mind. As part of my recovery I need to share my experience, strength and hope. Take what you may find helpful and leave the rest...

As I was reading through various blogs the other day, I came across one that posed the question "What is virginity?". (SEE THAC O DECEMBER 27 2006 NOT FOR KIDS...) Well this got me thinking and I know it got to others too in light of the many responses that followed. So I've decided to Blog about my thoughts and opinions on the subject of sex. I was born in 1961, some of you may remember that things were very different then. One thing that was different was that the sexual revolution had not yet happened and, generally speaking, sex was not a mainstream topic of discussion. Today we are much more liberal and it is not unusual to have sex discussion subjects among people of all walks of life and sexes. This is a good thing I think.

What I don't think is a good thing is that people often choose to be ignorant when it comes to something that may cause embarassment to others, or make they, themselves, feel uncomfortable. Like talking to our kids about sex. As an incest SURVIVOR I had many issues around this subject. Indeed I also carried alot of shame throughout most of my life because of all the abuse I had suffered. It was only through years of therapy, drug addiction and alcoholism ( not necessarily in that order), that I have learned to let go of the shame of my past and begin to heal my wounds. One of the ways I chose to heal was to educate my daughter.

When Debaby was born and I was alone, I had yet another unhealthy relationship with her father and it ended when Debaby was 5 weeks old. Anyway, the point is I was not really prepared emotionally to be a parent, let alone a single parent. I remember while I was pregnant making a promise to myself to be a better parent than what my parents were, not that they were bad people, they just didn't know some things that could have helped them. Children learn what they live therefore if one has abusive parents, one will abuse. Unless of course we get help to break the cycle, and this was a very conscious decision that I made long before I ever got pregnant.

So when I found myself pregnant and then a single mom, I took certain steps to educate myself about parenting in general, addictions, eating disorders and abuse. Of course I had neglected a pretty important piece of this puzzle and that was to heal MYSELF first. In my own little world I believed that somehow being the mom of a little girl and empowering HER would somehow heal me by osmosis. I was wrong. What did happen was that I was in a strange city with no friends and very little money, I didn't have a support system for myself and 'just the two of us' was not going to give myself or my daughter a fighting chance in life. At this point I need to give a little background information, within a year, my weight had skyrocked from 89 pounds to 169 pounds (a great portion of that was due to pregnancy). I had quit a job that I worked at for eleven years (and it was unionized). I had spent over twenty thousand dollars in three months (most of which to feed a cocaine addiction) . I had left a husband to whom I had been married for only seven months. I had spent just over two months in treatment for eating diorders and addictions, and had made a decision to leave my home town to start a new, sober life in Toronto. Oh, and then of course the pregnancy and birth of my Angel, which took place in July of 1991.
So to say the least my child was born into an extremeely loving home, but one in which the momma had some unresolved issues.

I started teaching Debaby about her body as soon as she began to talk. You know we tell them about their nose and eyes and ears, well I chose also to include her vagina . When she was a little older I taught her about good touch and bad touch. I said that usually 'bad touching' was anything under her bathing suit. But I also said that if you get a funny feeling in your tummy, trust that, and you NEVER have to let anyone touch you ANYWHERE if you don't want them to. That includes hugging. As parents we often scold our children if they don't want to hug or kiss someone goodbye. I believe that not only is this wrong but it could be potentially dangerous. When we are born, we are entirely instinctual beings, as we groe, some of these instincts are not as apparent because we learn to communicate with words. I think it is crucial though to be able to maintain that certain something that we are born with that alerts us to the fact that something is wrong ( i.e. a baby cries when it is wet, hungry or lonely, say). Little children also have this instinct, but as (albeit well meaning grown-ups) we teach them to Not trust their instincts. For example, have you ever had a child wake up in the night crying because they are afraid of the dark? I think the first reaction of many parents is to say "there's nothing to be afraid of". This sends the message to the child that there must be something wrong with them, after all, they did FEEL scared but mommy just said there's nothing to be afraid of. The child then learns to doubt their own feelings. Enough well meaning discounts like this are what makes children vulnerable to becoming victims.

Another mistake that parents make is to teach kids to keep secrets. Did you know that pedophiles use this very tactic to ensure that children don't tell? I have always told Devilteen that I will believe whatever she tells me unless I see or hear differently. I have tried to teach her to not lie, and have done my best to set a good example for her. I hope I'm not coming off as the perfect parent, I have made more than my share of mistakes. I do think though that I have raised my child in such a way that she can protect herself from predators. I don't think she will ever allow someone to beat her, and if by chance she were ever assaulted, I KNOW she would tell SOMEONE. These days it is a whole new world ( to me it is in some ways scarier than when I was growing up), with date rape drugs and ecstasy I worry for my daughters' safety. The best I could do was to give her a strong sense of who she is and the self-esteem to say NO to a grown-up if her belly tells her to. Of course today the DEVIL part of the teen often says no to me and frustrating as this may be, I am still convinced that I did the right thing in teaching her that grown-ups are Not always right. It's o.k. to question us .

My child has come to me with many questions over the years that have mortified me, like how are babies made, what is a penis and what is an orgasm. I have answered her to the best of my ability, and have thanked her for coming to me, because her peers may not always have the correct information. When she was about seven and playing in the safety (so I thought) of our yard, some guy drove slowly by in a car and showed her a fifty dollar bill, I have never seen her run that fast! and Dechild ran straight to me and told me! Later on, in the early teen years, Devilteen was out past dark, it was not late but was getting dark out, someone followed her down a street. I was relieved and proud to get a frantic phone call from a near by store, even though it was a little after her curfew, Devilteen was not afraid to call me when she didn't feel safe. All I'm saying is, I hope ALL of our kids feel safe enough to come to us first when they have a problem. I am still learning this parenting thing, let's just say it is a work in progress, but I am WILLING TO LEARN TODAY. Hopefully Devilteen will also be willing to learn to be a better parent than I am ( although I hope this will not occur for many, many years!!!)

AN EMPTY TOILET PAPER ROLL AND OTHER PET PEEVES!!

Although I still consider myself to be slightly higher maintenance than the average gurl I am much more easy going in general than I used to be! That being said, there are however a few things that absolutely drive me insane. Is it just me or does it bother anyone else (who shares a bathroom with someone) when you get in a shower only to find a big nasty clump of hair (that is definately not your own) clinging to the wall of the shower? Call me crazy or just too sensitive, but DON'T LEAVE YOUR HAIR CLINGING TO THE SHOWER WALL it just really ICKS me out!!! On the same topic (of hairs being where they don't belong) does it gross anyone else out when there are little hairs of unknown origin on the soap??? I dunno, maybe I am strange!

I live alone part time , that is when Devilteen is at the other place where she lives, and I have lived alone for most of my life, so maybe I have just been spoiled by not having to share my space with others. I guess I've become used to having things a certain way in my home, don't get me wrong, I AM NOT a neat freak, but I like things to be in their place, and I kinda like not having to pick up after others. One thing I just take for granted is that when I use the bathroom, there WILL be toilet paper on the roll! Remember that I live alone for most of the week, and when I know that the roll is almost empty, I will leave a full one on the counter so I don't have to , ah, you know, leave my post in the middle to retreive a fresh roll of paper.Am I just picky? It's just that too often I am stranded with no toilet paper and no one to come to my rescue BECAUSE I LIVE ALONE sort of.

While I am venting... my child is SO like me in some ways that I have to bite my tongue when she does something Lushgurl-like (my tongue used to be long enough to reach my chin, now I'm lucky if I can lick my own mouth!) An example of a major tongue biting episode is whenever Devilteen has homework, like over the Christmas holidays. She has some trouble focusing, slight ADD problem, and I totally get THAT, but, she had quite a hefty amount of work to complete on her break, and I being the mom, feel it is MY job to encourage (read remind) her to complete these many tasks. It is a fine line between encouragement and nagging though as I have recently found out. On this past weekend it became very clear to me exactly HOW MUCH work Devilteen had saved for the last weekend before returning to school. Let's see , she had not one, but TWO projects, an assignment in her civics class which she is this close to failing (her work is a part of credit recovery), a quite lenghty assignment in English and, well I guess that's it. But she left it ALL until this weekend...

I KNOW it is not for me to worry about, Devilteen must take responsibility for her school work, it's just that I know how it feels to put something off and off until you haven't any time left and then you get over whelmed at the daunting task. I KNOW!!! I have told Devilteen that if she doesn't finish her work on time it makes it harder to catch up later. I have reminded her of the times when she did well at something and the sense of pride she had for her efforts. I have also said that if she does her very best , that no one can ask for more. I didn't yell or threaten or bribe, so why is it that on the very LAST day before all this stuff is due that I am the one getting stressed out about homework?I DON'T EVEN HAVE HOMEWORK!!! I did what I could to Help, not Enable her, but I don't know if all the work got done, I guess I'll find out later. Oh, and BTW, I am getting MUCH better at not leaving things to the last minute---(I am aiming for progress not perfection!)

Here now, is another fine-line dilemma that I have yet to figure out... How does one know when to help and when to not help? Would you like an example ? Good, 'cause I just happen to have one! So hypothetically, let's say I have a friend and let's say that hypothetically this friend is as close to perfection as any 'earthling' is likely to be. O.K. now let's just say that this friend has a new born baby (and hypothetically, two Other children that are not actually part of this hypothetical story). So one day -well actually many days, but this ONE in particular- this friend has said she was going to come for a visit. "Great" I say, and I really mean it because I actually really enjoy this persons' company. So what's the problem, I know you're wondering? The problem is that this friend will come to the door with a baby in a car seat, a diaper bag, a few bags of stuff to show me that she has just purchased and more times than not, Timmy's coffee for us!!! I know hypothetical friend, you are indeed perfection on earth, but WHY can't you let me help you SOMETIMES- hypothetically??? Even mere mortals like me want to know that we are needed OCCASIONALLY-hypothetically!!! Well suffice it to say that this hypothetical friend is also in recovery, but I am older and wiser dammit and I WILL help you leave, so there!

Yes I am a bit of a freak, but to be fair, I did warn you about my freakiness in the profile of this Blog!! I'm just doing the best I can today, to be a better mom, abetter friend and (hypothetically) a better person. I guess that's it for now...ciau!