HAPPINESS IS A WARM KITTEN

Todays raeding from 24 Hours a Day is a continuance from Sunday, yes I missed Monday, but I am striving for progress, not perfection!!!

That leaves only one day- today. Anyone can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives us mad. It is the remorse or bitterness for something that happened yesterday or the dread of what tomorrow might bring. Let us therefore do our best to live but one day at a time.

Am I living one day at a time?

I met with my sponsor on Sunday afternoon, and she thinks that I need to be working on a 4th step. I agree with her 100%, in theory. I think doing a 4th step is an excellent way to put things in proper perspective- for you. I have done several 4th and 5th steps before, and I know the results of sharing in the 5th is a new freedom and a relief to find that I am not all bad after all. And yet.... I love my new sponsor, about a week ago she suggested that I call her everyday, and I made the committment to me to do just that. What happened was, I didn't even call her once. So on Sunday she called me and asked me how she could sponsor me if I didn't call. For a moment I was filled with panic that she was going to fire me. But she didn't. I thought that maybe she was angry and might even yell at me, but she didn't do that either. I told her very sincerely that I thought I was afraid of her (all 4ft 10) because she seemed to accept me and like me and she didn't show anger and yell and, and , and... Then, the nerve of her, she said that if I want to stay sober, I need to change- my behaviours, my thoughts, my actions! Aw crap, she called me on my sh*t, no more really good excuses are gonna work with this woman, I'm gonna hafta change!

Last night I went to a meeting that I attended on a regular basis last summer, at my sponsors' suggestion. Am I ever glad I went. There was a twenty three, a fifteen, and a one year anniversary. The speaker was a relative new comer like me, but his message was powerful and honest, and he spoke alot about change. For me it was an eye opener in that this used to be a regular stop in my week, and I remembered attending the anniversary of two of the people this time last year. The third person I remember just coming to the program, he was so shaky and unsure and now? He is grateful and sober still, and even happy, I can see how much he has changed, what a miracle this program is!

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• to be able to see the changes in other people
• that I was lucky enough to witness the miracle of so many sober years
• that my sponsor will not let me stay the same
• none of my bones are broken
• I have my sight
• I am able to hear (when I choose to listen)
• both AAngel and I survived to see her turn 16
• yesterday AAngel and I became new mommies- to a kitten, his name is Cinnamon
• I woke up clean and sober today
• today is the last day that I will have to wake up alone because AAngel comes back home tomorrow
• for all of YOU- your support, your love, your comments
• today I believe there is a power greater than me!

Have the best day possible today!

IT'S HER PARTY AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO...

Well my AAngel is now sixteen. We actually had a very good day on her birthday, our dinner with my mon and my aunt was lovely. AAngel had received quite a bit of money for her birthday and we even had time for a little shopping too! It was fun and once again I was reminded of how different she and I really are. I like most of the clothes she wears and buys, she likes very few of the clothes that I suggest to her and I no longer attempt to buy clothes for her. She has self confidence in her appearance, no body image problems and doesn't care so much what other people think about her, I have major issues with body image, am very self-conscience, and even if I won a beauty contest *LOL* I would believe the people who voted against me!

We had decided to invite a few of her friends over on Saturday afternoon. I told AAngel that it wouldn't really be a party, but she could have some friends over for fajitas and birthday cake. I had bought enough food to feed about 8 to 10 people. I had baked a three layer Devil's food cake. We bought two big bottles of pop and I had asked some neighbors to blow up 16 balloons to decorate the yard with....and nobody showed up! Not one person. So I had to comfort AAngel. as she was obviously hurt and disappointed. But then I had to deal with my own feelings around seeing my daughter hurting and doing all of the work and planning and having no one show up or even call to say they wouldn't be coming. Sometimes life just sucks!

Today I am choosing to have a better day. I sat out in the sun in my garden for an hour. I read my meditation books, and I spoke to my sponsor on the phone. I chose to post about my feelings instead of keeping them all to self where they could fester and grow into anger and resentments. I will meet with my sponsor later today and allow her to give me some unconditional loving. I think that at almost 14 months of sobriety I need to be ever vigilant of my disease and how it still wants for me to stay sick instead of continuing to grow and change and stay well. Here is a reading from 24 Hours a Day...

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept from from fear and apprehension. One of these days is yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone beyond recall. Do I still worry about yesterday?

Prayer for the day

I pray that I may face every situation without fear. I pray that nothing will prove too hard for me to bear.

...and I also pray for the same for all of you today.

hAAppy hAAlf nAAked birthdAAy!

Today my AAngel is sweet 16, the tee-shirt was given to her by the gurls in the group home, they all signed it, so it will be a great keepsake of her friends! The third picture is of AAngel taking time to smell the flowers. This particular asian lily had its' very first bloom today, ever neat huh?

To see some more hAAlf nAAked fun, visit my friends here... http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

I'll be by to stalk to you guys later, we are going shopping and then out for dinner with my mom and one of her sisters who is visiting from Nova Scotia!

MY BABY IS GROWING UP

I cannot believe that this week my little AAngel will be sixteen! I honestly don't know where the time has gone! I often look at pictures of her when she was a baby, and really, she pretty much looks the same, only bigger. I so loved being pregnant, and I was sober at the time, so I remember very well all of the changes going on within my body. For me it was a feeling of true joy and wonder, to actually know that there was a life growing inside me. I remember the first ultra sound, and seeing the little heartbeat, and crying tears of joy and gratitude that for whatever reason God had chosen me to be the mother of this little miracle. It really was a spiritual journey. Even now, when I see a pregnant woman , I feel overcome by the emotions. I also think often of how AAngel looked when she was born, clearly this child had been on this earth before! She came out looking perfect (due to a c-sec), but it was more than that. She had the look on her face as if she recognized stuff, a knowing and very wise look. You know how some babies come out screaming with their hair standing up on end, angry to see the lights and hear the sounds of life? It's like they're saying "I wanna go back in, I don't like it here!". There was none of that with AAngel, her perfect little face surveyed her new surroundings, and her cry was low but demanding, like she just knew everything would be OK, and all of her desires would be met. Without any reservations or hesitation, I can honestly say that the day she was born is, and forever will be, the very best day of my entire life. So this post is dedicated to my beautiful AAngel...

Here is today's Daily Reflection reading, on this day sixteen years ago, my AAngel was preparing to be born- yes, I was in labour for 30 hours before she finally decided to make her appearance!...

Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 20

Self-centeredness was my problem. All my life people had been doing things for me and I not only expected it, but I was ungrateful and resentful they didn't do more. Why should I help others, when they were supposed to help me? If others had troubles, didn't they deserve them? I was filled with self-pity, anger and resentment. Then I learned that by helping others, with no thought of return, I could overcome this obsession with selfishness, and if I understood humility, I would know peace and serenity. No longer do I need to drink.

Today I am eternally grateful and thankful for the following...

• that AAngel chose me to be her mother
• to be able to embrace motherhood, even with all of the trials and tribulations
• that being a mom has taught me so much about my mother
• that being a mom has taught me so much about me
• that all in all, I truly love the person that my daughter is becoming
• I am sober and fully present in my daughter's life today
• God has given me everything I need today, and then some
• for the opportunity to help my AAngel be the best she can be at whatever she chooses
• for each one of you
• today is our friend MC's 23rd AA birthday- drop by and give her some lovin' huh!

HNT, or HO HUM, IT FEELS LIKE HURRICANE WEATHER...

Well a Happy hAAlf nAAked ThursdAAy to all of you, and a very special Happy Belly Button Day to our friend Scout.... Happy Birthday gurl friend I love ya lots!!! Today's HNT pics are to help me decide where to get my tattoo of Eeyore. As some of you may know, I am his biggest fan, I can relate to his waiting for the next bad thing to happen, his wonderful melacholy and the way he constantly loses his tail! If you want to witness some more outrageous hAAlf nAAked fun click here... http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

I have had a busy couple of days, AAngel and I went to court this morning for what we thought would be a final court appearance. Since all parties were consenting to the terms, AAngel could have come home to stay today. My lawyer was not there, neither was AAngels' lawyer, but the Judge was prepared to rule anyways. As much as she wants to come home, and I want for AAngel to come home, neither one of us was prepared for this to happen today! She has over two years worth of stuff at the group home. Also, in these last two years AAngel has come to know and love many of the homes' staff. Obviously it will be a bitter-sweet move for her to come back home. so many emotions to deal with, goodbyes to be said, thanks to be given... We asked the Judge to not rule on her homecoming until August 1st, so officially, that will be the day that my baby comes home for good. I am very happy to know that soon we will be a family in the same home again. Today I am choosing to let go of the fears I have about being a family in the same home again. I have to have faith that God will take care of us and guide us to be loving and respectful and kind and supportive of each other.

Here is a meditation and prayer for today from 24 Hours a Day...

To God, a miracle of change in a person's life is only a natural happening. But it is a natural happening operated by spiritual forces. There is no miracle in personalities too marvelous to be an everyday happening. But miracles happen only to those who are fully guidedand strengthened by God. Marvelous changes in people's natures happen so simply, and yet they are free from all other agencies than the grace of God. But these miracles have been prepared for by days and months of longingfor something better. They are always accompanied by a real desire to conquer self and to surrender one's life to God.

I pray that I may expect miracles in the lives of people. I pray that I may be used to help people change.

Before I go off to visit you all at HNT, please take time to sign my guestbook, look it over, steal it for yourself...after all I stole the idea from Granny!!! Oh and thanx to all who have signed up already, much appreciated!

FRIENDS, LOVERS, FELLOW AA'ERS...

Good Morning everyone! I shamelessly stole this guestbook from my friend Granny. At last count, she had over 60 guests sign hers... Gee, I wonder how my little guestbook will do? I wonder how many people love me? I wonder if I should be such a love tramp today? Hell yeah!!!
On to more serious matters now! Here is our Daily Reflection...

My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive. Thus I think it can work out with emotional sobriety. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependancy and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to Twelfth Step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety.

The Language of the Heart pg. 238

Years of dependancy on alcohol as a chemical mood-changer deprived me of the capability to interact emotionally with my fellows. I thought I had to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, and self-motivated in a world of unreliable people. Finally I lost my self-respect and was left with dependancy, lacking any ability to trust myself or to believe in anything. Surrender and self-examination while sharing with newcomers helped me to ask humbly for help.

Boy, am I ever glad I posted the Daily Reflection after I begged for some lovin' in my guestbook!!! Ironically, when I was typing it out, not once, but twice I typed "healthy" instead of "unhealthy" LOL So I guess I'll find out exactly how healthy I am, if no one chooses to indulge my insecurities by signing up their love for life in my humble little book!!! Have a great day YO!

YOU ASKED FOR IT...

OK, stop the darned whining already! Some of you have asked for more picture from my garden and lucky for you, I feel charitable today! So, if you'd like, follow me on a mini-tour... The first pic is a shot from the back of my yard, if you are looking at the garden slide show I have, this would be "in the corner". The second picture would be "around the corner". A little farther down are some of my phlox, through the years I have cut and shared many of my plants, but not my phlox. They are my absolute favorites and smell very much like lilacs. Next are a couple of pictures of some brand new asian lilies that have just bloomed. I planted them last fall so I was really excited when they bloomed this year. Once again I give you some more yellow asians with red centers, and last but not least, some giant yellow speckled asians! I hope that has fulfilled your garden fix for now, but I will post more as they become available!

I spent Sunday at the Mavens' house again, where I got to finish garden #1 and then I planted garden #2, which, by the way, seems to be everybody's favorite so far! I am hoping that she will get some time this week to post some pictures, as I am quite proud of the work I've done so far.

I haven't posted Daily Reflections for a bit, so here it is...

In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life. But this admission price has purchased more than we expected. It brought a measure of humility, which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.75

It was painful to give up trying to control my life even though success eluded me, and when life got too rough, I drank to escape. Accepting life on life's terms, will be mastered through the humility I experience when I turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Him. With my life in God's care, fear, uncertainty, and anger are no longer my response to those portions of my life that I would rather not have happen to me. The pain of living through those times will be healed by the knowledge that I have received the spiritual strength to survive.

I hope this Monday brings beauty, serenity and peace to you all, in preparation for a great week to come...

hAAlf nAAked Thursday

Today I got to go play at the Maven's house and plant a garden for her. I got to bring home this rock for my garden, Oh, and some blackberries too! For more or less hAAlf nAAked fun, click here...http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

I had the best day ever today, as I'm sure you can tell by the photo! AAngel and I went to our friend's house for the afternoon. It actually turned out to be very convenient for all parties involved. First I must tell you a little about our friend, her name is Maven. I met this amazing young woman at about this time last year, when I was first returning to AA. The first meeting I had gone to was my Friday night meeting, which is now my home group, and Maven was the speaker. She had a powerful story to tell, and I found I could identify on many levels. I could hardly believe that she was not yet 30 but had 15 years clean and sober. We became friends quite quickly. Something neat about her is that she is exactly 15 years younger than I am, and 15 years older than AAngel, so she gets along well with both of us, and we love her a lot. Maven has a busy life. She has three children, two cats, a dog, oh yeah, and a husband! She also has many friends and makes time to see all of us...

Anyway my primary purpose today was to help her get some gardening done as Maven and her husband just moved to a new home with a huge yard (about 1/4 acre). There were two huge bags of soil waiting for me and maybe 6 or 8 perrenial plants to get me started, and the best part? I got to decide where to plant stuff! AAngel was kept busy playing with the three boys, they are 10 and 4 years and a 9 month old. The Maven got to paint some drawers for her kitchen. We were all in heaven, doing what we loved to do, but I was the luckiest of all! I plan to go back tomorrow, to do some more yard work and gardening, woohoo! And in the fall, when I tidy up my garden for the winter, I will be able to bring my friend even more flowers for her yard! If you want to see how my garden is growing, scroll down to the bottom, and click on view!

Today I am so thankful for the following...

• to have spent the day with my friend and my daughter, alone but together
• I now have a whole new yard to plant gardens in, the possibilities are endless
• it was a beautiful sunny, but not too hot day
• my muscles are sore from my hard work and it feels good
• I think I'll have another good day tomorrow, and my home group is tomorrow night
• my AAngel left today and is going to Wonderland with her group home tomorrow
• I will have Saturday all to self
• I will get to collect more rocks for my garden tomorrow, just like I did today
• hAAlf nAAked Thursday is always fun
• to have so much in my life to be grateful for, and that includes all of you!
  
  

I AM YOUR DISEASE

I am inspired to post today by my friend Clarity Case. If you have a moment drop by and give her a hello, she is struggling today http://claritycase.blogspot.com/

I hate meetings, I hate a higher power, I hate anyone who has a program. To all who come in contact with me, I wish death and suffering. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the disease alcoholism, cunning, baffling and powerful. I have killed millions, and I'm pleased. I love to catch you with the element of surprise. I love pretending I'm your friend and lover. I have given comfort, have I not? Wasn't I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die didn't you call me? I love to make you hurt. I make you so numb you can neither hurt or cry. You can't feel anything at all. I will give you instant gratification, and all I ask of you is long term suffering. I've been there for you always, when things things were going right in your life, you invited me. You said you don't deserve these good things in life. People don't take me seriously. Fools that they are, they don't know that without my help these things would not be possible. I'm such a hated disease , and yet I don't come uninvited. so many have chosen me over reality and peace. More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a 12 step program, your meetings, your Higher Power-all weaken me and I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to. Now I must lie here quietly. You don't see me, but I am growing bigger than ever. When you only exist, I may live. When you live, I only exist. But I am here......And until we meet again, if we ever meet again, I wish you death and suffering. You got me before, but not anymore, so I'll make this rhyme, one day at a time.

I had received this letter in an e-mail and saved it because it really spoke to me. I felt as if I was really hearing alcohol and drugs voicing the words I had only thought of before. When I'm having crappy days, full of self-loathing and feeling discontented, my counsellor tells me it is my inner addict trying to get back into my life. My inner addict does not want me to succeed in life, 'cause then it has no control over me. When I stay clean and sober my disease loses its' foothold. When I go to meetings and share my experience, strength and hope with others, my disease, and your disease grow weaker. So I hope you all remain clean and sober today, all of us together have a stronger army than our disease ever could dream of having.

Today I am very grateful for the following...

• another day of clean and sober living
• to be getting along well with AAngel
• we are going to visit a friend tomorrow, and I will get to play in her garden
• to have everything I need, and some to share too
• that I am beginning to know how to handle situations which used to baffle me
• for all of the love I feel when I visit your bloggy's
• for being able to accept me today- just the way I am
• my two kitties and my budgie bird, who keep me company when AAngel is not here
• that I am able to grow a garden, and share it with others
• YOU and you and YoU too!!!

THE SUN IS ALMOST OUT AGAIN

Hey everyone! I am working on getting back into an old routine that was doing well for me. So here is our Daily Reflection reading...

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 70

The subject of humility is a difficult one. Humility is not thinking less of myself than I ought to; it is acknowledging that I do certain things well, it is accepting a compliment graciously. God can only do for me what He can do through me. Humility is the result of knowing that God is the doer, not me. In the light of this awareness, how can I take pride in my accomplishments? I am an instrument and any work I seem to be doing is being done by God through me. I ask God on a daily basis to remove my shortcomings, in order that I may more freely go about my AA business of "love and service".

Humility has always been a tough one for me to digest in that, I was never very good at accepting that there were any good things about me. After years of therapy and many light bulb moments in AA though, I realize that, as I am one of Gods' children, there is much about me that is good. I have talents and qualities that make me, well, me! I also have many defects of character which ..."stand in the way of my usefulness...". So on that note, I will also give you the Seventh Step Prayer, for any of you, who, like me, have a defect or two that they'd like to get rid of!

I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen

And here are just some of the things I have to be grateful for todAAy.

• to be alive
• to wake up clean and sober today
• I got to speak to my mommy on the phone today- she still loves me!
• I got to speak to my daughter on the phone today- she still loves me too!
• God has watered my garden for me all weekend
• more new blooms in my garden
• that you guys humour me in my garden obsession
• my obsession to drink and use has been lifted for today
• gardening obsessions are not fatal!
• I have everything I need today, and then some
• my AAngel really apologized to me today, like from the heart and everything...yes I accepted
• AAngel is coming today until Thursday night
• all of my blog-stalkers....uh huh, that IS you!
  

HAVING A WEEK!

Gee, I've been having quite a week! I have hardly posted, I haven't stalked to hardly any one in blogville, and I haven't been to a meeting or called my sponsor...hmmm, I wonder if there is a connection there? LOL After not speaking with AAngel since she left here, I finally called her today. All week I have been hearing her parting words to me in my head, like a record with a nasty scratch on it..."Shut the F*** up, Bitch". Yup, that's what she said! So why didn't I get off my ass and turn the record off, or call someone for a reality check, or get my big butt to a meeting to share about all of the feelings that this last fight has brought up in me? I dunno, I'm still trying to sort that out. I do know that when I called her today, AAngel didn't even bother to apologize. She said I wouldn't have accepted it anyways. And she is partly right. Of all of the hurtful things I have said and done to her, I have not called her a bitch or treated her with the kind of disrespect that I have had to deal with lately.

I get that she's a teenager, but isn't respect something that I deserve? She says that the times are different now (meaning that I am reeeeeaaally old) and that kids just don't respect their parents the way they did in the 'old' days! I guess when I said I would never dream of speaking to my mom the way AAngel speaks to me, it was a mistake. But no matter how angry I ever was with my parents, I still wouldn't dream of being so disrespectful. And of course her words hurt, 'cause after all this is the child that I gave birth to. I've been barfed on, and changed poopy diapers and stayed up with her all night when she was sick. I've held her when she cried 'cause she had a fight with her best friend. I've made crafts for and with her. I have always kissed her good night and told her that I loved her. And WAAAAAH , poor me! OK. I think I'm done venting for now, but I may have to continue later LOL. AAngel did not come for a visit today as I suggested that if she still had a bad attitude I would prefer her not to come! I am off to my meeting tonight, check in with all later!

...Well, I'm back, did ya miss me? Sorry ;bout that, just thought I'd mess with ya a little bit, after all you are still here reading this and I, on the other hand have gone to a meeting, visited with a friend and now am back at home! I hafta admit I do feel much better now that I've had an AA fix. I got lots of hugs (which I really needed), and also some validation for all of the yucky feelings that I have been wallowing in this week. So back to the business of recovery1 Today I am grateful for the following...

• to still be clean and sober after a kind of rough week
• to have heard a man speak tonight who has meant so much to me this past year, actually the man who gave me my medallion at my b-day
• my friend , the Maven, who took me to her place after the meeting, when I said I just wanted to come home and eat chocolate!
• all of the opportunities I have been given to change ME esp. when I'm dealing with a devilteen!
• I can be happy for the good things that happen to other people today
• even though stuff still bothers me, now I have the tools to let things go, instead of letting them fester
• to have everything I need today and then some
• for all of the fresh veggies I have eaten this week
• for chocolate- I still say it's better than sex!!
• for each and every one of Y-O-U....love and HUGS to all

hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy...

Seeing as it is hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy today, I am just gonna post pictures here for now!
Starting at the top are my hydrangea, then white and yellow asians, then yellow asians with brownish red centers and last but not least, the first of my phlox in bloom!

For more wild and crazy fun, and some skin too, click here... http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

TO FEEL OR NOT TO FEEL....

The following is from pages 90 &91 in the 12 X 12...

Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholics. A burst of temper could spoil a day, and a well nursed grudge could make us miserably ineffective. Nor were we ever skillful in separating justified from unjustified anger. Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely. These "dry benders" often led straight to the bottle.

Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism, furious power-driven argument, sulking, and silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. We can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.

And when I read this earlier today, I knew I was going to have to start thinking and dealing about anger. Not only my own anger, and I'm not saying it is never a problem, but I'm talking about AAngels' anger. No one, it seems is better at pushing my buttons than she is, however with much patience and practice, I am learning to not react with my mouth before I have given my brains a chance to weigh in on the situation. One of the tools I had learned in a parenting course, was to literally bite my tongue and count to ten before talking. Another tool was to just walk away and not to respond to outbursts from my child, so as not to escalate the situation. For the most part these things work well, and in most cases, when I do not engage or react, AAngel will calm down, and we can continue to have a good day.

Most of our visit went well this time, but it did not end on a good note. Often when AAngel does not get her own way, she will throw a fit, and that was the case just before she left this time. I stood my ground and didn't give in to her angry behaviour, and as per usual, she became even more angry, and went for the jugular. Knowing me the way she does, AAngel knows that resorting to insults and name calling really hurt me, so that is exactly what she did. Her parting words were angry and hurtful, and we haven't spoken since because she has gone camping with the group home. I have always told her I loved her before either one of us has gone anywhere, I've always said that just in case we never saw each other again, that the last memories would be of love and not bad feelings. this time, it was all I could do to restrain myself from throwing her and her stuff out the door, when the staff came to pick her up.

The anger that AAngel has needs to be resolved, but I am at a loss how to help her. She absolutely refuses to go to counselling, and although I am registered for another parenting course (specifically parenting teens) it does not start until September. I am afraid of these outbursts, and the thought of them occurring more frequently when she moves back home. My usual way in dealing with someone elses anger is to withdraw or to hurt myself, and neither one of these behaviours are going to be helpful when AAngel is here full time again. So for today I am sleeping and eating chocolate, oh, and talking about my feelings so that they will not take over everything. Wish me luck, and a prayer or two wouldn't hurt either! So see ya for now, and before I forget...

HAPPY 4th of JULY to all of my American friends!