Friday, May 18, 2007


Well, it's Friday now and I'm feeling a little down today, not sure why... Angel called to ask if it was OK for her to come tomorrow instead of today, of course I said it was all right, after all, she IS a teenager, and she DOES have a life without mom! This weekend is a long weekend anyway, so we'll still have extra time together. I had made German potato salad and we'll have knackwurst with it, and we we're going to eat outside, since it is so gorgeous out. I guess we can still do that tomorrow, right? All I can say, is I'm getting kind of tired of these up and down moods I've been having. They have been mostly up, but then I'm blindsided by the down, and I'm not liking that very much at all. I know...this too shall pass, I say it all the time ! It just doesn't seem appropriate to say it to me, even though I know it's true!

Get a grip Lushgurl, you know what is going on here.... my inner demons are trying to sabotage me, yeah, that's it! I called my former boss from the fruit and vegetable market today, he had told me that he might want me to work this weekend. But when I spoke to him, he said he wouldn't need me, as it was not busy, and too cold. What the F***? It is beautiful out today, and a long weekend, which is typically very busy for outdoor shopping here. So now I'm thinking he doesn't want me to work at all, but am too afraid to just ask him, so my sh*tty committee is working over time in my head! The thing is, I was really looking forward to working this weekend, I'm getting restless, and there's nothing like a twelve hour shift outside to help kill the restless bugs! Oh well, maybe next weekend...

As I shared yesterday, I had won some money the other day. It was not like hundreds or anything, but I am so used to having no money at this time of month, that I felt rich for a minute! So I went shopping, it's one of the things that I'm really good at. I bought some groceries, of course, and three new lanterns for my garden and a 'flutterby' wind chime, which sounds really pretty. Then I decided to get the mommy some new sandals, seeing as it is summer and all. It took me a long time to pick out a couple of pairs, and the total was still only about twenty bucks, but, wait for it, now I am feeling guilty. That just ruins the fun of shopping ya know- that guilt thing, so even though I could use the shoes, I almost feel like returning them. Why? 'Cause deep down I don't really feel like I deserve any new and pretty things. I am so used to spending money on Angel or buying stuff we need, that it doesn't feel OK just buying something for me. AAARRRGGGHHH !!!

In light of my unusually cheery mood (LMAO!!!), I think now would be a good time for our Daily Reflection's reading...

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg.83

My first true freedom is the freedom to not have to take a drink today. If I truly want it, I will work the Twelve Steps and the happiness of this freedom will come to me through the Steps- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Other freedoms will follow, and inventorying them is a new happiness. I had a new freedom today, the freedom to be me. I have the freedom to be the best me I have ever been.

OK, my HP, I get the message, I have a choice today! So today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

  • I have the freedom to be me today, not entirely sure if I like this, LOL
  • to be clean and sober
  • more new blooms in my garden- light pink tulips and purple irises, yellow are coming soon)
  • I get to secratary my home group tonight- so I can feel useful to my fellows
  • I have food in my fridge and money in my pocket
  • Angel will come tomorrow, for the rest of the weekend
  • wherever I go, there I am !
  • my 'Boys" are playing tonight, hopefully their winning streak will continue
  • whenever I feel yucky, I hear or read something that changes my mood
  • this is a kind of long post, but I'm not sorry, 'cause I had to get some stuff out
  • I lied, I kinda do feel bad about the long post!
  • ALL of my blogging friends, yes, that means YOU

Have a FREE weekend on me folks! Hello


Nael C. Robes said...

Don't ever apologize for a long post. And, you don't have to be on cloud 'nine' all the time. I gave you some homework to keep you busy in Angel's absence. I tagged you on my blog.

Tab said...

Never feel bad about writing a long post Lush.We all have our day when we just need to get stuff out.
I wrote a long one today too so we are
"having the freedom to be me today"
I love that and I know what you is a little uncomfortable as we are getting to know this person before us in the mirror today.Fact is.As long we are learning to live more and more true to ourselves,I reckon loving ourselves comes next.I love your energy and honesty Lush.Hope you have a great weekend.
Love Tab xo

Anonymous said...

we are all allowed a day to feel down
you at least have my permission - 'kay?

Clarity said...

New blooms in your garden and what beautiful colors! Sorry to hear you are feeling a little down today. I bet there are good times just around the corner for you! XXOO

Zane-nawwaa said...

zHi, lushgirl. Long time no hear. Daave sent me to your blog today mainly to read your first paragraph. I know the depression just out of a 36 hour one. and that is short.It does pass, and we do not want anyone to tell us that becuase it sounds so condescending and that's not how they usually mean it. I call my committe station KFUC. I continually have to tune it out, but sometimes it is really loud and the only thing available. Hang in there Honey.
Enjoy your w/e with Angel and do not be hard on yourself.Maybe compromise and return just one pair. You deserve both, but if it will make you feel better just return one. Hope to see you on my blog. Y'all be pretty now ya heah.

The Maven said...

Hey, Lushy!

The Maven lives! I've been meaning to call you all week, but alas I have been out every single day and most evenings, running errands and keeping commitments. By the time I get home... well, you know. Just crazy! Welcome to moving in four weeks with three kids. Gah. I was hoping to see you at the meeting tonight, but no dice :( Hopefully next week!

We're going away this weekend (family party) but I'll try to call you next week :)

Syd said...

Feeling down is okay as long as it isn't a permanent state. Life is filled with the ups and downs. I find that there is usually some fear or insecurity within me that triggers the down times. Getting out of the doldrums is getting easier.

Anonymous said...

check yer email. i sent something to make you smile--i hope.

Scott said...

I lo ve to witness the power of HP inaction... You shared with us your ritual for improving your Spirit and right before our very eyes, you transformed from ho hum "dumpy crummies" to a beautiful list fo gratitude!

You're an example of working a program a day (or even a post) at a time! Knackwurst, yummy!

I think that sometimes, we have to indulge just a little... If we never treat ourselves to anything, life gets kinda gloomy sometimes!

Christine said...

love youjust as you are...

Granny said...

Our attitudes about ourselves and what we deserve can be so out of whack.

I'd been in the program more a less a year when the first person I'd met when I walked in the doors asked me if I was ever going to wear anything except brown.

Wakeup call. I didn't even realize I was doing it.