Monday, May 07, 2007


Miss U

Today is the anniversary of my fathers' death. He died at the age of 61, after a fairly short battle with lung cancer, May 6 1992...
Rest in peace now daddy... you are at home with your Father.

this was written yesterday, but I didn't have the energy to finish the post...
This weekend was bitter sweet for me. Friday was my mom's birthday, and Sunday was the anniversary of my fathers' death. On these days, a part of me always goes back to when my dad died. He had been quite ill for about six months, his cancer had already spread from his lungs to his spine, by the time they found it. My mom though, was determined that he would get better, I guess clinging to hope. The truth was that she was deep in denial. Her mother was also very ill at the time, and my mother had taken a trip to visit her mother just days before my dad passed. I think that he knew his time was up, and how worried my mom was about her mother, so he convinced her to go for a visit. I hadn't seen my father since the Christmas before and I knew he was not long for this world. By May I was able to make the trip home again. I had been dealing with some childhood issues, and wanted to 'confront' my father before he died. The day I got to Ottawa, he had a stroke and had to be hospitalized. My mother was called and also came home, it was her birthday that day. The stress of taking care of my dad , and the guilt of her not being there when he had his stroke was too much for my mother and she had a breakdown of sorts. She took it out on me, and my sister did too, I ended up leaving Ottawa then, and my dad died two days later. At the funeral, my mother was hysterical, and had to be pulled away from the coffin, she didn't want to let my dad go. Neither my mom nor my sister were speaking to me at this point. It was very painful, I felt as if I had lost my whole family in one week. I went home with my nine month old baby, broke up with her father for good, and began the process of my own healing.

So here I am fifteen years later, my mom and I have healed our relationship. My sister and I are at least on speaking terms again. And I am grateful to be clean and sober, to have my health, and to be able to show love to the people in my life while they are still here.

Here is today's Daily Reflection's reading (sorry Steve, I had a few days!)...

Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand, yet be be unaffected. The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others.

Respect for others is the lesson that I take out of this passage. I must go to any length to free myself if I wish to find that peace of mind that I had sought for so long. However, none of this must be done at anothers' expense. Selfishness has no place in the AA way of life.

When I take the Fifth Step it's wiser to choose someone with whom I share common aims because if that person doesn't understand me, my spiritual progress may be delayed and I could be in danger of a relapse. So I ask for divine guidance before choosing the man or woman whom I take into confidance.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...
  • that I am clean and sober
  • Angel and I had a good weekend together
  • it is another beautiful sunny day
  • I am no longer afraid to do my Fourth and Fifth Steps
  • more flowers are blooming in my garden
  • there are people who wonder where I am, if they don't see me for a while
  • my safe and loving home
  • my cats and my budgie
  • my health
  • my HP is doing for me what I could not do for myself
  • even when I feel a little sad, it's OK 'cause I know that it will pass
  • all of my sober blogging buddies... that means ALL of YOU!

I hope everyone has a peaceful and sober day today.


Syd said...

I'm happy for you that you're able to look back over this and see the good and the bad. I think that we all love our parents and have such big expectations of them. I know that my expectations were huge and no one could live up to those. They did the best that they could. It's nice that you remember your dad on the anniversary of his death. Thanks for sharing.

Nael C. Robes said...

Hey, I missed you and your posts! I got busy and I couldn't blog for a bit. It sounds like you are still hanging in there. God Bless!

Sober Steve said...

Thanks for sharing that part of your life today. I feel like an ass now. I was thinking about calling you if you didn't post today to see if you found my hiding spot. I'm so sorry. I'm closing my eyes and opening my arms giving you the biggest cyber hug you have ever gotten. love ya gurl.

Hugsss and kisses

Granny said...

Belated Happy Birthday to your mom.

Take care of yourself.

Meg Moran said...

I "feel" you today. My dad had a lingering illness and passed away before I got sober. I know he sees me today, just as your dad sees and walks with you. Much love,

vicariousrising said...

Hiya, Gurl. Sending you love and hugs today. I think you have it right, to let the past rest. You are on a journey going in the right direction, you've learned from your history and you have new adventures to begin.

May you find serenity and peace this week.


Tab said...

oh Lush was a heartfelt post.
I just about popped a tear!
Dates and time really never leave us do they ? I guess that is what is so important for us humans to process what we need to in order to peace at peace from some of our less happy pasts and life events.

You have a beautiful heart Lush and the courage to accept that past seems to be making you a stronger woman and Mother today.
AND a kick ass sober blogger buddy.

I appreciate you sharing,
thank you..big hugs to you:)

Mary Christine said...

Such a lot of stuff. I still remember June 18 (1971)as the day my mom died. I deliberately didn't remember the day my dad died. I just know it was late August 1993.

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

All that matter is that you're clean and sober now. I wonder how I gonna react if one of my parent die? Could I be strong as you? I hate to think about. Both of them are my life and soul. While they're still alive and kicking, I gonna pick up the phone and give them a call...

Thank you for sharing. You're a good daughter and a good friend.

Pam said...

thanks for posting darlin'.
As you know, my family was not talking to me either when my Dad died. We are so fortunate to have been able to mend so many fences in recovery.

Christine said...

isn't it great the reconnections we get to make with family because of working these Steps?

Chocolateer said...

I think that its wonderful that despite the pain and the hurts of the past, you were able to go back and reestablish relationships with your mother and sister. That takes courage and the willingness to forgive and move forward. :)