"My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding" Amen
Page 76 AA Big Book
I knew as soon as I had read it, that this was the Seventh Step prayer. A sponsor I had in Barrie told me to read it everyday. She said that it was not enough to just be willing to have God remove all of my defects of character, now I had to get busy and ask Him to do just that! It's like she would quote the Big Book to me, with all of its' suggestions, in such a way that I "got it". And after all of these years of going back out, and returning to the program, the lessons of that sponsor come back to me at times like this. Kind of like riding a bike without falling off and breaking ones' nose!
As I mentioned a few days ago, I have been on an emotional seesaw lately, of course I had a few up days, and now the seesaw is going back down. I have increasingly begun to have a feeling that Angel doesn't really want to come home, call it mothers' intuition, I dunno. I have initiated the conversation with her on several occasions being careful about how I approach it. I don't want to add to the pressure she must already be feeling by trying to sway her decision. The thing is, I keep getting the same answer "I don't know mom, it's like 50/50 for me. I want to come home, but I also want to stay where I am..." Despite her words though, I have been feeling more that she wants to become a crown ward. On that side... She will soon be given the chance to live on her own in assisted living. They set her up in a room in a house with other gurls. There is minimal supervision. She is given money for food and clothing etc. They will also pay for college after she finishes high school. Hmmm, tough choice huh? 16, on your own, rent paid, money to spend, no adults (to speak of)... Gee, what would I do in that situation? On the mommy side... a mom who loves me forever, a mom who has rules and boundaries, a mom who is clean and sober today but has messed up many times in the past... Yup, it's a tough call.
Well yesterday, I needed to have more information. So I called my CAS worker to ask what would happen if Angel made the decision to stay in care and become a crown ward. He said that the judge would honour her wishes. Apparently, all along, Angel has expressed to him that she did indeed want to stay in care. So if he is being truthful with me, my intuition has been right on. And Angel being Angel is more concerned about my feelings than she should be, so she is afraid to tell me how she really feels. OUCH. Of course I want her to come home truth be told I also have a lot of fears about this. I am not used to being a full time mom now. We get along great for the weekends. I can be strong, take care of me, and be a good mom for two or three days at a time. We are getting much better at addressing problems as they come up, so conflict is minimal. But the thought of being a full time mom to a very hormonal teenager with an attitude and, I'm sure, a lot of unexpressed anger at the mommy...hmmm, tough choice again!
Yesterday I did get the opportunity to spend time with a good friend, so it was good to air some of my thoughts, and get feedback. I then called my sponsor to firm up plans for my birthday. She told me that she has been extremely busy lately and that is why she hadn't returned my last few calls. Then she told me how she was going away every weekend with a new boyfriend, I asked if she would be there to give me my medallion, and she said no! I went numb, I could not believe what my ears had told my brain. I asked her if she could make an exception on my 1st birthday, and go to her cottage on Saturday instead, and then she said she didn't feel that she was sponsor material anymore, that I needed to find someone who could be more available to me. OK, I can accept the rejection, but I need someone to sponsor me today! I have a lot of stuff going on, and it is only two weeks until my celebration. I honestly cannot believe she would pick now to tell me this.
So now I hafta go back to the beginning of my post, where I was talking about my fears. Anyone care to recite the following with me? I could use a little extra help right now!
"My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen." Page 76 AA Big Book
On that note here is what I am grateful for today...
- to be clean and sober
- to have faced heartbreak and rejection before, and get through it
- to have people in my life who love me and want the best for me
- my garden and all its' new blooms
- for AA and the fellowship
- for a really good sleep in a safe home
- the courage to accept the things I cannot change
- for today- a new start
- that I am able to find beauty in a sometimes yucky world
- all of my cyber friends and admirers LOL
- all of you who reach out to me and share your E S and H- thank you!
Anyone care to play today? Have a great day in the playground of life!
12 comments:
Darlin, I believe that life rewards us when we are gut level honest about our situations and feelings. I think you are addressing some very tuff issues and you are not only being honest with yourself, but taking action accordingly. This will work out for the best, because you are laying the foundation for it. You rock sweetie pie.
Hey Gurl Seems to me that both situations--Angel and sponsor are not about you but about them and how they want to live life. I am sorry tho that you have to suffer some fallout. But when doors close who knows what God has in store and what door opens---ususally its somethign really good I never would have considered.
Yeah, I keep asking God to remove my defects and He does, no matter how many times I hafta ask
Sounds like it was the perfect time for that sponsor to step down. You need someone that is not so self-centered. God will provide.
Fallout's a bitch. And then you pick up and go on with your life. I know it hurts, but you caan admire Angel's honesty. As for the sponsor, I agree with Scott W.
God has brought you this far and he ain't going to drop you. This is time to say, I ain't down and have no intention of going there.
Trudge on honey.
I guess as a Brit, I don't really understand everything you're writing about you & Angel and wards and CAS etc,. Regardless, I really hope everything works out.
I enjoyed your a-z thingy. Don't worry...all the best people are hopelessly single. Well; you and me anyway! I might buy a canary or something!
As a Malaysian, ditto Kenny but I tried to understand coz for every closed doors, one will be opened. Amen!
Well, I think your sponsor was right and you should definitely get a new sponsor. Do NOT let this shake you. There will be plenty of people to celebrate your birthday with you and I know you will be able to find someone special to give you your medallion. I know if I were in your position I would be heartbroken if my 16 year old chose another residence, but I also know that I chose not to live at home when I was 16. God will pick the right path for Angel. Hang in there!
you are doing real life now, working a real good program. When we look at that prayer carefully, the defects are removed so that we may be of maximum usefulness to others.....keep working it baby, NOTHING is set in stone. She may choose one way and later change her mind...you will be there for her regardless if you keep trudging. This is the part we call the "process". The ever unfolding story. More will be revealed. I feel like you may have temporarily lost your sponsor, but look at all of us who are surroundiung you and loving you...I think nothing is an accident. We are in each other's lives for a reason. We LOVE YOU and God knew we would be here for you during this transistion, just as you are here for us.
It seems that when people least want to hurt you by thinking they are being kind, they hurt you the worst. I don't think that the sponsor is suitable if she cares more about the boyfriend than the 12th step work. It seems that it is part of the HP's design for you. You'll get a new sponsor and Angel will find her way. Hang in there.
I am sure you will find just the right sponsor for you as you are now. We grow through sponsors, but sometimes we don't know it.
Somethings work out for themselves and always for the better, have faith.. your a good person remember that daily..
My dear friend, all you can do is the footwork so far as your daughter or anything else is concerned. Results are not up to us.
Sponsors let go of their babies and vice versa. I do think she could have been a little kinder but it's not my call, is it.
Another sponsor will come along. Meantime, you have many friends, in person and on-line, who are glad to help. Look at the AA Loners who go for years without personal contact and manage somehow to stay sober.
I'm glad you found the reminder helpful. It's bailed me out of many things, usually after I've beat my head bloody against the wall.
Hugs,
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