MY FIRST BIRTHDAAY

To everyone that has accompanied me on my trAAvels this far... have a piece of cake on me-you've earned it!

This is the reading from todays Daily Reflections for June 2nd...

Here are the Steps we took...
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 59

These are the words that lead into the Twelve Steps. In their direct simplicity they sweep aside all psychological and philosophical considerations about the rightness of the Steps. They describe what I did: I took the Steps and sobriety was the result. These words do not imply that I should walk the well-trodden path of those who went before, but rather that there is a way for me to become sober and that is a way I shall have to find. It is a new path, one that leads to infinite light at the top of the mountain. The Steps advise me about the footholds that are safe and about chasms to avoid. They provide me with the tools I need during the many parts of the solitary journey of my soul. When I speak of this journey, I share my experience, strength and hope with others.

Last night was not great for me. Angel and I had a huge fight which resulted in me sending her back to the group home, probably for the weekend. Apparently Angel had made tentative plans with a gurl friend for tonight. The plans included going to a street in downtown Ottawa, where all of the bars along the way would be opened up, with big screen tv's showing game three of the Senators/Ducks game- for those who are not aware, this is the first time in about thirty years, that our home hockey team has had a shot at winning the Stanley Cup. Anyway, the game is going tonight, the entire length of this road will be closed to traffic, meaning that the patrons of various bars wil be able to wander freely about. One of the gurls, I have known for years, and I love her as if she were my own, the other gurls I have never met. Ah, but I was 16 once, and if you are looking to party, this would be the place to be... So in my infinite wisdom as a mom who had her share of schemes to find a party in my younger days, I said that this was the last place that I thought Angel should be on a Saturday night...and she was off...

First I must set up a bit of background... when I was still drinking and Angel would have plans made that I did not agree with, she would basically say F-you, and leave anyway, at which point I would drink to console myself for being such a bad mother. I would try to set boundaries and limits, but the fights that would ensue would wear me down to the point that I would give in or as mentioned, Angel would take off anyway. I am working very hard at setting healthy limits today and it is very challenging for a number of reasons...
A) I always used to give in if she threw a big enough tantrum
B) Angel has already had her share of addictions problems
C) it is hard to impose consequences when the child takes off
D) I am dealing with years of guilt at not being a better mom

When Angel started to realize that her plans were going to be thwarted, she became verbally abusive, another good old stand-by that has worked in the past with me. But I didn't cave. I attempted to call my sponsor, at which point the phone was unplugged. I went outside to calm down, at which point the door was locked behind me. I tended to my garden at which point Angel came out to pursue her attack. She went back and forth from name calling and insulting to begging me to reconsider. When it appeared that I was not going to give in this time, her behaviours escalated...I am NOT going to your stupid meeting tonight...OK I'll stay here with you and have a boring weekend, like usual...I HATE this stupid serenity bull****... I hope you end up drinking again.....

Knowing that I was chairing the Friday night meeting, and having had a using dream, and smelling dope from my neighbors all week, I made a decision to call the house and have them come pick Angel up. I explained to her, and the staff at the house, that it had been a somewhat difficult week for me, and I was determined to make it to my one year celebration. So I had to take care of me. I figured that Saturday would also be spent arguing with Angel as she attempted to change my mind and allow her to go to "party central" with other 16 year old gurls on a Saturday night... The call being made, the tears started flowing, hers, not mine! She accused me of not loving her, she accused me of being a bitch, she once again threw all of the terrible things I had done to her in my face and it hurt, oh it really hurt, both of us.

I said that she was right, I was not able to be the kind of mother that she needed when I was still drinking, and I was very sorry for all of the ways that I had let her down. I told her that I had worked so hard this year to make changes, so I could be a better mom, to show her that I did truly love her, by setting limits and doing what I felt was best for both of us. I also said that I had to take care of me, and that included going to my meetings and trying to live in today, and not putting myself in situations that threatened my sobriety. blah, blah, blah.... I know that Angel could nor hear any of what I was saying because she was so angry and hurting, and I went into self-preservation mode. I waited on the front step for the staff to come and get her, and went to my meeting...

The speaker I had chosen was amazing. Her story was a lot like mine in so many ways. I sat and cried throughout.... After the meeting I had the opportunity to talk to my new sponsor, and a really good friend. They took opposites side of the proverbial coin on this fighting with Angel thing. One said I had to allow her some freedom, not be so protective of her, the other agreed that due to our history, I had done my best to protect Angel from herself. They both agreed however, that maybe neither Angel or I , were ready to live together again. My worst fears, verbalized by two very intelligent women. And now I am back, so-to-speak, to square one. I need to take care of me. I want to be a good mother to my daughter. I don't want to cause her any more pain than I already have. I want so much for us to live together, but I just don't know that we can. Ho hum...I continue on my journey One Day at a Time and I know more shall be revealed... Happy Birthday to me!

Just so you all know, I am grateful for so many things today, not the least of which is my sobriety, but due to the length of my novel, I will skip writing out my gratitude list... you're welcome!