Well I guess it's official, the first flowers to bloom in my garden are these yellow hyacinths! All of the rain that we'd been having that had wreaked havoc on my hair, has brought forth beauty in my garden again! One of the reasons that I love the spring so much. Last fall I planted more bulbs, I watered them and fed them, and like a miracle every spring all these gorgeous flowers appear where there were none before! I am grateful today for the seasons that we get to experience every year. The different weather, the different sights and smells. It's like every four months, the whole world changes, a new adventure. But also something to count on, like the winter that follows the fall, so shall the spring follow the winter.
I was lucky enough to be asked to tell my story on Sunday night. I wasn't nervous until I got to the meeting and noticed just how many people were there! But I said a few simple words of prayer before hand, and searched out the faces of the people I knew. A few people from my home group had come to support me, and that was comforting. I just told my truth, trying not to tell a drunk-a-logue. Instead I said that the drinking escapades would be similar for most of us, I asked that people tried to relate with the feelings that brought me to the place of my own self destruction. There was, of course, a lot of fear. There was the feeling that I didn't fit in or belong anywhere. There were feelings of hopelessness that I would never be happy, or find what it was that I was supposed to to in my life. I did talk about the sexual abuse and the physical abuse that I had witnessed as a little gurl, as these things had played a large part in eroding my self esteem, and teaching me that my feelings didn't matter. The biggest message that I got was reality, as I knew it, was not the reality that other people saw. And after years of being told that my memories were wrong, I learned that not only were other people untrustworthy, but I couldn't trust my own feelings or perceptions either.
I shared about my first exposure to the program, just over 20 years ago, and how I went mostly to support a friend. I said that I switched addictions, in a sense, to eating disorders, which almost took my life, but had enabled me to stay sober long enough to get a one year medallion. I know now, that I had not "completely given myself to this simple program", and for me, that meant going back out to do more research, maybe I wasn't really an alcoholic! The path that I took was like making great strides and then plummetting back down into pain and oblivion, then back again to sobriety. Not all of us "get" this program the first time around, some do, but for me I just didn't want to give up my sense of control, and that was the thing that sent me back out again and again.
I shared how even having my daughter taken from my care was not enough of an incentive to get sober, I talked about wanting to die because I didn't think I could survive the pain. And then I shared how, in treatment I had, what I call an epiphany. My focus, at the beginning, was to get my child back, I completely reserved the right to smoke pot, when my child got home. I thought I would probably drink again, when my child was returned to me. All I could think of was how all I ever wanted was to be a mommy, and to be declared unfit, to know I had put my child in danger, were very good reasons for me to continue drinking and using. I felt I was nothing without my child in my life. Then a counselor told me that I had to love me enough to get well, that no matter where my daughter lived, she still needed a healthy mom, that I needed to want to be better for me. And all of a sudden I "got" it. I had to make ME the reason for recovery. I had to value MY life, in order to give anything to others. That was the turning point in my recovery.
This was the third time within this past eleven months that I had been asked to share my story. I find it amazing that not only would any one want to hear my story, but people thanked me for sharing after! I was able to go through the promises one by one and show how they have all come true for me today. But for me, it is the miracle of the program working, that give me the courage to share. I have done a lot of work, but have not done any of it alone. All of you were there with me, your encouragement and understanding. The welcome back to the program has kept me coming back. I was welcomed with love, not judgement. I have seen this pogram work in so many lives, all over the world, it can and will work for any one who is willing.
